madmurf

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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New Map of Iraq

For the politically incorrect only..... In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul Mcartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again. > > > > > > He said "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather!"

Chance Chance.zip

THE HALF WIT A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the rancher

very fresh greens

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words >back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a >few people who did... > >1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and >asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I >turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say >a word. He knew better. > >2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was >unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several >minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at >the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him >and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." ! > >3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a >variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy >behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just >looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy >grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has >never let me forget. > >4. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My >three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on >him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between >errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, >I smelled something! funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old >daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go >potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I >kept thinking, "Oh son of rajab, that child has had an accident, and I don't have >any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have >an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an >accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more >time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down >his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST >FARTS!!" > >While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly >pulled up his pants and sat down. > >An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd >ever had! > >5. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very >embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before >she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true >story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to >have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's >that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the >set, but half the crew did too! > >6. While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out >peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up >waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a >message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees >and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. >Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and >hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight >to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses and half of the passengers were >laughing all the way. > > > > > >The woman with 3 year old daughter in tow enters the Commonwealth Bank and >joins the inevitable queue. The little girl runs off and grabs withdrawal >and deposit slips and runs back to her mother, then off again, in and out of >the queue. Despite her mother calling her with as much decorum as she can >muster the little girl still runs around. Finally, mother grabs the child >and tells her to be quiet and stay in the line. Squirming, the little girl >says loudly, "If you don't let me go, I'll tell Gran what you did with >Daddy's pee-pee last night". > >Everything stopped in the bank. Tellers froze, conversations ceased. The >mother took the little girl's hand and, without a word, led her from the >bank. As the sliding doors closed behind them, the bank erupted in raucous >laughter. >

Story from a Canadian courtroom > >If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp >as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney >during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's >credibility. . . > >Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" > >A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description >of the offender, running several blocks away. " > >Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" > >A: "The officer who responded to the scene." > >Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. >Do you trust your fellow officers?" > >A: "Yes, sir. With my life." > >Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room >where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" > >A: "Yes sir, we do." > >Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" > >A: "Yes sir, I do." > >Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" > >A: "Yes sir." > >Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your >life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with >these same officers?" > >A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and >sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." > >The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. > >The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best >Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Rectum Stretcher: > > > > While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 Km's over the >limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on >the other side lying in wait. > > > > He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic >patronising smirk we all know and love, asked. "What's your hurry?" > > To which she replied, "I'm late for work." > > "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" > > > > "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. > > The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher! And just what does a >rectum stretcher do?" > > > > "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way >up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I >work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but >surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." > > > > "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked. > > > > "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.." > > > > Traffic ticket .. $95.00 > > Court costs ... $45.00 > > Look on Cop's face ... PRICELESS >

A Giant Woodpecker

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings >are the only animals that stutter", she says. > > >A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she >volunteered. > >The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked >the girl to describe the incident. > >"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler >who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped >over the fence into our yard! > >"That must've been scary", said the teacher. > >"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, >Fffff'... and before he could say "f**k," the rottweiler ate him!" >