madmurf

Its election time in US !

Microsoft's new push for regional products

the difference POWER POINT FILES diff1.zip diff2.zip diff3.zip

>Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. >To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. >No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. >They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole >time, so they voted to take turns. > > >The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning >with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. >They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, >I just sat up and watched him all night." > >The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same >thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. >They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, >that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." > >The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football >player; a man's man. >The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good >morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, >"Man, what happened?" > >He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and >kissed him good night. >He sat up and watched me all night long." >

> I OWE MY MOTHER > >1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. >"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished >cleaning" > >2. My mother taught me RELIGION. >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." > >3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of >next week!" > >4. My mother taught me LOGIC. >" Because I said so, that's why." > >5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . >"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to >the store with me." > >6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. >"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." > >7. My mother taught me IRONY >"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." > >8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." > >9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. >"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" > >10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. >"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." > >11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. >"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." > >12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. >"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" > >13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." > >14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. >"Stop acting like your father!" > >15. My mother taught me about ENVY. >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't >have wonderful parents like you do." > >16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. >"Just wait until we get home." > >17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. >"You are going to get it when you get home!" > >18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. >"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." > > >19. My mother taught me ESP. >"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" > >20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. >"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." > >21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. >"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." > >22. My mother taught me GENETICS. >"You're just like your father." > >23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. >"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" > >24. My mother taught me WISDOM. >"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." > >25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. >"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" >***************************************************************************** ***

READ THE STORY FIRST. > > >In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet >tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the >cubs were born pre-maturely and due to their tiny size, they died >shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery >suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. > >The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress >to >fall into a depression. > >The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's >cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos >across >the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the >right age to introduce to the mourning mother. > >The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a >zoo environment. > >Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different >species. > >The only "orphans" that could be found quickly were a litter of wiener >cops. > >The zookeepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the >babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork??? > > >Take a look ... you won't believe your eyes!!!!!

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. >To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. >No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. >They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole >time, so they voted to take turns. > > >The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning >with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. >They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, >I just sat up and watched him all night." > >The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same >thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. >They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, >that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." > >The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football >player; a man's man. >The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good >morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, >"Man, what happened?" > >He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and >kissed him good night. >He sat up and watched me all night long."

and so it begins !!!!!! solid_gold_tassie_rock.pdf

GREAT T SHIRTS

Brokeback Mountain A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off." she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Joke of the Day >Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a >Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He thinks to himself, >This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights >and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are >five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide >eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him >"Officer, I don't understand, >I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" >"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know >that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other >drivers." >"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit >exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit >proudly. >The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 >was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman >grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. >"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car >OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this >whole time," the officer asks. >"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway >189."

Poorly Thought-out Web Addresses ) Who Represents? - a database for agencies to the rich and famous: > > > >http://www.whorepresents.com > > > >2) Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where programmers can exchange > >advice and views: > > > >http://www.expertsexchange.com > > > >3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: > > > >http://www.penisland.net > > > >4) Need a therapist? > > > >http://www.therapistfinder.com > > > >5 ) Gas & central heating anyone? > > > >http://www.gasheating.co.uk > > > >6 ) New to Italy - and you need electric light? Why not sign up >on-line > >with Power-Gen? > > > >http://www.powergenitalia.com/

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his >favorite > > bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. > > Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his >apartment > > and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled > > her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, >you > > finish?" > > She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." > > Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she > > thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally > > ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" > > Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him > > and softly says, "No." > > Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches > > for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely >manages > > it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the >bed > > sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to >turn > > his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You > > finish?" > > Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, 'm > > Norwegian.

> > Smart boss + smart employee = profit > Smart boss + dumb employee = production > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime > _____________________________ > > > > > SHOPPING MATH > > A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. > A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. > _____________________________ > > > > > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS > > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. > A successful woman is one who can find such a man. > _____________________________ > > > > > HAPPINESS > > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a >little. > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to >understand her at all. > ______________________________ > > > > > LONGEVITY > > Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot >more willing to die. > ______________________________ > > > > > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE > > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. > _____________________________ > > > > > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE > > A woman has the last word in any argument. > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. > _____________________________ > > HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED > Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and >cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the >same thing to them at funerals. >

CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE Just take note this may happen to you. !! Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died last January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to ANZ: Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" ANZ: "Excuse me?" Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?" ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Supervisor gets on the phone): Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax: ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" ANZ: "That might help." Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69." ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Test Test.pdf

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE >> >> A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She >>gestured >> >> alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She >> >> seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to >>hers. >> >> As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. >> >> >> >> "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with >>both >> >> hands. >> >> >> >> "Actually, no," he replied. >> >> >> >> "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, >>running >> >> her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. >> >> >> >> "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything >>I >> >> can do?" >> >> >> >> "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, >>running >> >> her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a >> >> couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck >>them >> >> gently. >> >> >> >> "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. >> >> >> >> "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, >>or >> >> paper towels in the ladies room."

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars? "Are you nuts? !!" She replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

FCUK T Shirt

A man on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual... nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?" The constable replies, "It's Neale Fong . He's just so depressed about his personal life - the public backlash about his exorbitant salary and then giving himself a pay rise, the fancy office in Subiaco, his wife's drink driving offence and now his own licence suspension and his wife can't even drive him to work! He stopped his car in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire! He says Alan and Jim are going to fire him and his staff hate him and his kids won't talk to him, so we're taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

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