SK Warne Match Report 2nd Ashes Test
Day 5 of the second test. We're 1 nil up and If I was playing for
England today I would be thinking... slow and steady lads, slow and
teady. But I'm not thank god and his son Jesus Christ, I'm
Australian, and I've woken up with a horn that a dog couldn't chew,
and I'm not sure if it's because I can't wait to get that cherry in
my hand and get stuck into the soap dodgers... or if it hasn't gone
down since phone sex with Rianna Ponting last night. Anyway, no one
in my room to stick it in, no time to get on the text messages, so
I best jump in the David Gower and work up a nice lather and give
the cleaner some work to do on the tiles.
Hot breakfast this morning, quite by accident. Put the lit end of
the ciggie into my gob while changing hands to down an Iced Coffee.
Pup Clarke thought it was a hell of a joke until I told him I used
his poofy white skivvy to mop up after a phone conversation with
his sister last night.
All the boys are full of beans this morning though at breaky.
Pigeon was telling everyone the odds he'd got for us to win this
morning, and how he's whacked all the money he won on McGilla not
being selected, straight on us. Prick could have shared his bookie
with me, I happen to think we'll get up today too. Particularly
with the team they've got on the park. Giles couldn't turn a steak
into sh*t. Jones couldn't keep a farking secret, or buy a run.
"Bell end" wouldn't know what I was chucking at him, in fact Kay
Pee and that bloke with the stupid name that doesn't usually get a
game are there only hope.
Arrive at the ground and while the rest of them are keen to get
into the nets for a warm up, I've got plans to test out the
Adelaide sewage system by sending one of the biggest turd Adelaide
has ever seen into it. I'm only 15 minutes into this fine little
session, not even up the centrefold spread yet, when I hear a
muffled voice talking about the history of test cricket and how if
you look back, the chances of Australia getting a win are so remote
it's not worth considering, and how England just need to go steady,
nothing silly needs to be done, a draw here will do just fine with
3 tests still to go, maybe we can wear down an ageing aussie
side... then, along with that monster turd I was talking about, the
penny has dropped... I'm in the wrong farking change room, and I'm
listening to Freddy Flintstone give his pre match "inspiring"
speech.... note to self, NEVER complain about punters speeches
again.
So with the knowledge that we now had the game in the bag, out we
trot to the centre. I've grabbed the new ball and told punter I'll
sort this lot out.. punters told me to pull my stupid head in and
wait till I'm told.... this is what happens when you give a short
man from Tasmania a bit of authority, he tries to make you pay for
all the inbreeding jokes ever created. Still, I'll bide my time,
we've got all day. 10 minutes into session 1 and punter can't even
look at me when he throws me the rock... of course I let him know
he's made the first good call for the game, and I've asked him to
trot down to fine leg please.. even he laughed at that one while
jogging to first slip. An hour or so later and I'm well on the way
to completely stripping any sense of pride the unwashed have built
in the past 4 days. Strauss was easy, nice catch by Mr. Cricket by
the way, this bloke is so good to me, and the team for that matter,
I almost feel guilty about pegging his new girlfriend. Bell "end"
run out by me, even when getting run out this poor bastard has my
name next to his in the wicket column.... Kay Pee, I enjoyed this
one, certainly wiped the stupid smile from his south african
dial.....Giles, from one spinner to one that isn't, this was a
forgettable one..... and then Hoggard, felt sorry for this poor
prick, I've never seen anyone this ugly before, I can see why he
grows that hair.
So that's that... we had 168 to knock off in the final session,
which was always going to happen. 2-0 to us, punter named man of
the match, but we all know I deserved it.
Beers will flow in our rooms, tears will flow in theirs. The Ashes
are back, and thank god they didn't have them for long enough for
anyone to realise!
Love to your missus
SK Warne.
