Kero

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver." ................................................................................ ......... Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay- Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!" Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?" "Yeah, so?" "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off." ................................................................................ ......... A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

Animal World

Who said Canadians don't have a sense of humour?

What a Kiwi has to put up with!!

Newborn baby!

Asorted

Which Worksation is yours.......

New Mr Men Characters

Its amazing how the human mind works...

I recommend the random button George Bush Face Morpha

Excerpts from Medical Records: The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians...... Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. She is numb from her toes down. The skin was moist and dry. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. ZITS In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch. WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac. MOST OFFENSIVE ****TAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a ****tail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'. GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state. MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother f**king Manager you c*ck sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f**king manager of this b*stard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "F**k off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f**king piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "F**king deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling sh*t, show us your p*ssing piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I f*cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "Why, that's superb, what's it called?" "I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I f*ck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t!ts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice... "Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?". "Know it," the pianist replies, "I f*cking wrote it!"

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down... Scroll up...

This is called the devil is watching

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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." - Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback........"

A family in Bend, Oregon found this fawn on their front steps a few weeks ago and took this photo. The white spots on the steps are apple blossom petals. As you may know, deer hide their fawns and go away for awhile. The fawns have no odor yet, and naturally stay absolutely still. Isn't this an amazing photograph? A great job of natural camouflage! The fawn ! stayed there all morning, and the mama came to get it after 4-5 hours. Kudos to the people for leaving the fawn alone, knowing Mom would be back. THE MOM "HID" HER BABY ON THE BROWN STEPS WITH WHITE SPOTS.

The Sex Fairy Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. That's why I didn't want to take any chances with this one! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well being. 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 9. Sex actually relieves headaches A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine It can help combat asthma and hay fever. This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke!

It's a knockout ... orang-outangs fight during a boxing show at Safari World animal park in Bangkok. Thailand has banned controversial kickboxing fights between endangered orang-outangs following an international outcry

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!!!!"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . ! The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Ripley's believe it or not