Have A Laugh!

[Disko_Tek]

lol good work on the jk!

i personally cant see spendingthat much money on the echo lol... but each to their own...

and if you want a boost guage then buy a turbo...

most chicks wouldnt even know what they are looking at except nice shiny car (apart from the ones who love cars and know what they are looking at)

it just makes me laugh...

[Pulp]

Thought I'd start with the jokes

The Amish Hand Warmer...

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold

blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm

them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands

are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm

them up." He did and it warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it

up." He did and it warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,

"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and

she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The

daughter replies, . . . .

"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!?"

[Batski]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Chicken says: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*t's itself."

[Pulp]

The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son

playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the

train stop and her son saying ........ "All of you bastards who want off ,

get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who

are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son,"We don't use that kind of

language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for

TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you

to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and

resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who

are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with

you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a

pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just

boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember

there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and

relaxing journey with us today.

"As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the

kitchen"

[Batski]

This ones a little crude, but anyway:

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her

room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private

area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she

touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable

movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling

him,"crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring

her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd

close the Curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into

his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband shrugged and said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Pulp]

HAHA!!

[Pulp]

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well" says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody

whose dick is on his face"

[Pulp]

Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£ 85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.

" £ 85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without

any anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the

price could drop to £ 40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the

extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.

But it will be traumatic."

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.."Can ye

make an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

[Batski]

This is wrong:

Tom did like he always does; He crawled into

bed, kissed his wife,& fell asleep. Soon, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What are you doing in my bedroom? .... & who are

you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter,

& you are in heaven."

"WHAT?! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too

young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back IMMEDIATELY!"

"It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as

either a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Tom thought about this for a while & figured that being

a dog is too tiring but a hen probably has a nice &

relaxing life. And besides....running around with a rooster

can't be all THAT bad.

"I wanna return as a hen," Tom requested.

In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,

very nicely feathered. However, he now felt as if his

rear end was gonna blow.

Then, along came the rooster:

"Hey!!! You must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,"he

said.

"How ya like being a hen?"

"Well.......it's OK, I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to

explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going

on. You, my friend, need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Ya just cluck twice, & then ya push with everything ya got."

Tom clucked twice & pushed more than he was good for, &

then.... 'PLOP' ........ an egg was on the ground.

"Wow!" Tom said, "that felt REALLY good!"

So, he clucked again & squeezed. There was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he

heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for cryin' out loud! Wake up!

You're shitting all over the bed!!!

[Pulp]

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highwaywhen he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[Pulp]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

[madmurf]

Brokeback Mountain

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in

the newspaper

for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around

the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew

a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You

should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off." she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire

light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to

the

floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Pulp]

HAHA!

Obsession:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,

it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too

shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little

boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Pulp]

A Blindman, Dan enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to

a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the

woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a pro boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a pro wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a PHD, a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

Blind Dan thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,"Nah, not

if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Pulp]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude

and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know

where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering

approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically

correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where

you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large

quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how

to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we

met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[GWP021]

love that one first time i heard it it was about engineers and management

[madmurf]

>Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

>To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

>No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

>They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole

>time, so they voted to take turns.

>

>

>The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning

>with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

>They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,

>I just sat up and watched him all night."

>

>The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same

>thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

>They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man,

>that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

>

>The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football

>player; a man's man.

>The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good

>morning." They couldn't believe it! They said,

>"Man, what happened?"

>

>He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and

>kissed him good night.

>He sat up and watched me all night long."

>

[Pulp]

An Aboriginal and a gay guy.

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that", he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure", the big Aboriginal replies, "something about a job....

[Batski]

Scary:

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Pulp]

Gross man!!