What Would A Jeremy Clarkson Review Of My Car Be Like?

[pontiff]

I've always wondered what sort of review Jeremy Clarkson would do of my car... so I thought I would give it a go and write one in his image. I've missed bits that I have planned to write as I did not want it to be tooooo long.

Gee I hope that SBS dont phark up the Australian edition of Top Gear. *cough* 'Drive TV' *cough*

feedback is appreciated (unless its bad.. in which case, consider yourself wrong.. and doomed to a life of ridicule)

JC: I was watching my son playing Need for Speed on his playstion thingi the other day when I heard it talking about the BMW E39 M5 as the ‘Ultimate executive express’ which got me thinking… is it?

Now back in 1998 in the ‘old’ top gear some bloke called tiff tested if before moving to some inferior ‘other’ show called reserve gear or something, so I thought I should do the only manly thing possible… test it for myself, and what better way to do that… than with a race!!

*cut to JC’s garage with M5 on cold, wet (read: ‘normal’) winters morning.

JC: Right... being the high powered executive that I am I have everything a man could ever want… money, fame and a gorgeous blonde wife and a mistress that I keep in the south of France, but what it also means, is that I have an M5, and in true executive style I’m late for a meeting at the BBC in west London.

*JC spread map over bonnet*

JC: The start of our race is here, Wallingford, west of London. I have about 45 minutes to make my way into the BBC which is some 43 miles away, that’s the A130, A404 and the M4 motorway, which means that with a normal car I’d be in a spot of bother, however I have an M5… the pinnacle of BMW’s engineering back in 1999, how hard can it be?

*JC accelerates out of garage rather ‘briskly’*

JC: I've been driving for all of 30 seconds and the first thing you notice about the M5 (or any M car for that matter) is that BMW like to plaster the interior with M badges, just in case you did not realise you’d just spent 50,000 quid on their latest über saloon car, and this woodgrain *taps dashboard* is just some rubbish plastic. I’m a high powered exective… I don’t just want REAL wood.. I want wood from the amazon, hand carved by Brazilian indians.

*Cut to various shots of JC passing camera car with wipers operating at full speed*

JC: Okay, so here we are on the A404 in ‘Top gear’… That’s SIXTH gear Tiff, doing ‘some’ miles an hour, and according to the on board computer, *cut to on board computer showing arrival time of 9:15am* , still running horribly late. What we need now, is some speed.

*JC drops down to 3rd gear and plants foot*

JC: The M5 was one of the first BMW’s to have ‘DSC’ and what that means is, if I try and do this *JC plants foot going around round-a-bout*, the car flashes this little warning lamp on the instrument panel telling you “look, you may be able to afford an M5, but don’t think for one minute that I’m going to let you put it into that there scenery”, and cuts power from the engine while applying the brakes to individual wheels in an effort to keep you from making a complete hash of it. Now that’s all very well and good, but I’m in a hurry and I need to make up *looks at OBC* 14 minutes.

*JC presses the DSC button on the centre console*

JC: Now that we can send all of the M5’s 400bhp to the rear wheels, we’re free to do ‘this’

*cut to various shots of JC power oversteering around corners*

JC: As much fun as to blast down the ‘B’ roads, you actually have to get to your destination informed, on time and most of all, in comfort and the M5 does not disappoint. Standard on this model are leather heated seats, sat nav, TV and sunroof, just what the pompous CEO type would want, a warm backside and the latest stock reports.

JC: While I have been arsing about I’ve fallen even further behind schedule. I have 25 miles to make up and I’m about to join the M4, the slowest ‘high speed’ road in the country. On a normal day that would be fine, sitting in the traffic listening to Terry Wogan, but with this car and this amount of time to make up, It calls for plan B… the B roads

*Cut to shot of JC turning off main road screaming up B road at full throttle*

JC: On the B roads like this one you’re soon reminded that this is no small (Much like Hammond really) M3. It’s big, it’s heavy, It's a "MANS" car and it’s keeping my buttocks a toasty 32 degrees, but lose concentration for even a split second… and you will actually die and the reason is simple. It’s just too easy to drive fast in this car. While 400 bhp is not a lot by today’s standards, it’s the way in which it delivers it that matters, so effortlessly, the only way you know you’re making progress is the growl from those 4 exhaust pipes. Sure the new M5 has 507bhp and 700 different gearbox settings, but you have to rev the ring out of it and the gearbox is hideous, this is a much easier car to drive. Okay, so Hammond will go on about how you can tailer it to your own driving style, but at the end of the day, you need to spend all your time thinking *cue high pitched voice* "oooohhh do I want it firm..... or super firm, or do I want gearbox setting 5, or 6? Oh the choices, what shall I do?????" *JC bites nails* In this you have one setting and thats all you need.

JC: Thanks to my sheer brilliance it has to be said, I’ve managed to pull out a sizeable 5 minute lead with my arrival time now scheduled for 8:55am but we have a slight problem. Normally you visit a petrol station to fill up on petrol, but oh-no, not with this car. No… while it may return about 15mpg around town, there is one thing it consumes at a far greater rate… OIL.

*JC pulls into local SHELL service station and opens boot*

JC: You see BMW had a problem… back in 1998 when they were developing this car, Mercedes released their latest incarnation of the E55 AMG with 350bhp. Not wanting to be outdone, BMW had to come up with a solution and that was

*JC gets out piece of BMW advertising material*

JC: “Low friction piston rings with alusil-silicon coated cylinder liners”, and what that means to normal people like you and I, is that it burns oil… LOTS of oil. Now BMW tell me that this is all for a very good reason: They don’t supercharge or turbocharge any M cars and they needed to pee further than their counterpart Mercedes. However what that leaves you with, is a 50,000 quid car that burns about as much oil as a 30 year old rover. But all is not lost however, because BMW have you covered. You see they give you this…

*JC opens boot and pulls out 1 litre bottle of Castrol TWS Motorsport oil*

JC: While it may ‘appear’ to be a normal bottle of oil, it isn’t… It’s a special blend made especially for this, and the M3… and it’s 20 quid a bottle, not cheap when you consider this car takes over 5 litres of the amber nectar of the gods.

*JC raises bonnet*

JC: Hahaha, make that 8 *JC points to M badge on intake manifold*

*JC puts in litre of oil, closes bonnet and pulls out of service station, with obligatory tyre squeal*

JC: Thanks to that little detour it’s going to be very close. Why didn’t BMW fit a big sign to this car saying “I’m important, get out of my way you peasant”

*Bus pulls out in front of JC*

JC: Argghhhhh… busses. You know if they replaced every bus in Britain with fast cars, everyone would be able to get where they’re going much quicker. So my solution to the countries congestion is quite simple.. Porsche 911 turbos for everyone.

*JC pulls into the BBC carpark and parks in the chairmans car park*

JC: Right… there we have it… Wallingford to London in under 45 minutes. I’m refreshed, calm, poised and ready to perform my executive duties which normally means giving myself a huge pay rise, and sacking 10% of the workforce. But what about the car… is it the ultimate executive express? Ummm… Yes. It’s fast, refined and now very reasonably priced. Sure Hammond would not be able to see over the windscreen and May would go on about it's 'carbon footprint' and excessive noise, but who really cares?

*JC walks into BBC muttering under his breathe*

JC: Do we really need May and Hammond?

Cut back to stuido

JC: So there you have it, and before you ask, I made an executive decision and we won't need the services of May or Hammonds teeth any longer, but more importantly, its time to find out how fast it goes around our track, and for that we need to hand it over to our tame racing driver. Some say he only drinks premium unleaded and that his parents were internal combustion engines, all we know, is that he's not called CEO STIG"

[Slim Mat]

Haha, that was pretty good. I enjoyed reading it, being a bit of a fan other show.

[Phantom32]

i agree

wasn't bored one bit reading that and could picture it all. you done well mate. Although, i think u have too much time on your hands

btw- was the m5 actually like? i've always loved that particular model and shape and am looking to buy one next year if i decide to get rid of the line. can u tell me more about it specs, stats prices etc.?

cheers mate

[Triptych]

would he really refer it to a "Playstation thing" considering they did an episode with him trying to beat his fatest lap around a track (can't remember which one) on Gran Turismo compared to Real Life. Good read though

Edited December 9, 2007 by Triptych

[joeyjoejoejuniorshabadoo]

I have NEVER had that much free time

[ALEX!]

that, my friend, was a 'top-gear' report! (see what i did there?)

The only critisism is that he hasn't bagged out Hammond enough for being short. haha, add that a bit in there i think.

AND, more importantly, notice you start heaps of paragraphs with 'now'. just something i noticed. although he does seem to say 'now' a bit.

good work

ALEX

[pontiff]

All very good points... in true clarkson style I'll update it, claim it was always like that

EDIT: somewhat updated.

[Lunatikk]

.........and on that bombshell, it's goodnight!!

Well written too BTW

[ferni]

hahahah nice one dude! Maybe you can be the presenter for SBS's new topgear program, quick someone start a petition before they hire some nitwit who is as boring to watch as cricket!

Also, you forgot to mention how white Hammonds teath are

Anyways off to watch the latest episode of TopGear.... yay for the interweb.

[swanny180]

You forgot:

'So we know how fast it can ferry an important chairman along a highway in both comfort and style, but it is now time to find out how fast it is around our track! So we must pass over to our tame racing driver...

Some say that he was the Queen's driving instructor...

And that when running around corners, he suffers power oversteer...

All we know is he's called the Stig!'

[pontiff]

You forgot:

'So we know how fast it can ferry an important chairman along a highway in both comfort and style, but it is now time to find out how fast it is around our track! So we must pass over to our tame racing driver...

Some say that he was the Queen's driving instructor...

And that when running around corners, he suffers power oversteer...

All we know is he's called the Stig!'

Hahaha pissa.. nice one

[a20089]

That was excellent.

[-_-StRyDeR-_-]

very nicly done!

[gotRICE?]

would he really refer it to a "Playstation thing" considering they did an episode with him trying to beat his fatest lap around a track (can't remember which one) on Gran Turismo compared to Real Life. Good read though

I believe that would be the Honda NSX, around Laguna Seca, Monterey, California

[pontiff]

i believe he would use a term like 'playstation thingi' as being alouf like he can do... but who knows

[Triptych]

haha thanks for info, I do have most the top gear eps on my computer so it is sorta hard to find out what episode it is from. Considering I have episodes from 1989 - 1991 then all the seasons that started in 2000 or whenever.

Edited December 11, 2007 by Triptych

[pontiff]

ill try and find it later.. its a hoot the NSX piece

[writeoff]

Great read and you truely capture Clarkson's essence except for this statement:

You know if they replaced every bus in Britain with fast cars, everyone would be able to get where they’re going much quicker. So my solution to the countries congestion is quite simple.. Porsche 911 turbos for everyone.

JC would never put all of Britain in what he calls (VW) Beatles with running shoes. More likely he'd say a Lambo Gallardo. Otherwise brilliant.

[pontiff]

Great read and you truely capture Clarkson's essence except for this statement:

JC would never put all of Britain in what he calls (VW) Beatles with running shoes. More likely he'd say a Lambo Gallardo. Otherwise brilliant.

good point... for ferrari f430's

[Triptych]

The nsx episode is Season 7 Episode 6 for those interested.