Jokes!!!

[R31 Chick]

Haha, Joe, Pauls wing is a good joke!!!!

[memphis]

Oi!, gt wing am good

[R31 Chick]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was

printed:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting.

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,

poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.

Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.

Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.

Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.

They aren't yours.

Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your

tennis elbow will never get better.

[Nizmo]

After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was

enough,as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his

wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.A less costly alternative,

said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a

beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the

world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed

counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in South Australia and New Zealand.

[Nizmo]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for

yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they

deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside

bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

[bully]

At the Sydney Olympics a couple walked into the souvneer stall and saw that they sold condoms in the 3 medal colours Gold, Silver and Bronze

After a bit of discussion the wife went and brought some Silver condoms and gave them to her husband

The husband asked why she only got silver ones as he thought he deserved gold ones

The wife said that she got Silver ones as she wanted him to cum second for a change

[caminperth]

Ann Summers Ltd: Thankyou for your recent order. You asked for a large red vibrator as pictured in our wall display. Please re-select as this is a fire extinguisher.

[caminperth]

A young man asks hs father,"Dad,how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father,surprised,answers,"Well,son,there are 3 kinds of breasts.In her 20's,a woman's breast are like melons,round and firm.In her 30's & 40's,they are like pears,still nice but hanging a bit.After 50,they are like ONIONS."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them & they make you cry."

[MrSnrub]

Q - Whats got two legs and bleeds?

A - Half a dog

[MrSnrub]

A vagina walks into a bar and says "Give me your stongest liquer"

[R31 Chick]

This is not a joke but it will surprise you, try it.

1) First of all, pick the number of times a week you would like to have dinner out. (Try for more than 1 but less than 10).

2) Multiply this number by 2 (number of days in a weekend).

3) Add 5 (number of days in a week.)

4) Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5) If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752.....

6) Now subtract the four digit year that you were born in.

7) You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e. How many times you would like to eat out each week.)

The next numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES it IS!)

This is the only year (2003) it will ever work, so spread it around while it lasts.

[caminperth]

Madam - a new version of that comes out every year..

(insert appropriate old person voice) I remember on the BBS's of '92 when I first saw that one...

*wanders off down memory lane*

[Pva_Glue]

I heared this from a party I went to...

'Hi! I am from NZ, where do you keep sheep around here?"

LOL

[R34]

A boy & his coin

A man walks into a Canberra shopping centre with his young son. The boy is

holding a coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,

shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business

suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the centre reading her newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on

the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets

up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, to them.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and

starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few

seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman

deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to

her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never

seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a

doctor?

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Taxation Office"

[caminperth]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,said quietly to his son

"Go get your mother."

[R31 Chick]

Haha, I don't wanna go in that elevator, I will get as old as you Cam!!!

[Pva_Glue]

Knock, knock...

[MrSnrub]

whos there?

[R31 Chick]

A team of archaeologists was digging in Israel when they found an old, worn out rock. On the rock there were these drawings, in this order: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a cross. The team was fascinated and was sure they had found remenents of an unknown civilization. For months they researched and tried to make sense of the drawings, and finally held a huge conference to tell what they had come up with. The team leader stood up and said, "Look here, the first picture is a woman. We have determined that this means women were the dominant sex in this civilization. The second symbol is a donkey. We think this means they had domesticated animals. The thrid drawing is a shovel, showing they were intelligent and used tools. Fourth there is a fish, which tells us they had learned to reap from the sea as well as the land. Finally there is a cross, which shows they were religious people. Any Questions?" A Jew stands up in the back and says, "You said you found this in Israel. With all due respect, sir, we read things from right to left in Hebrew. Those pictures say, 'Holy Mackeral, Dig the Ass on that Woman!' "

[dan_the_man]

Whats big and grey and if it fell on you it would kill u???

A Car Park