Jokes!!!

[R31 Chick]

Or an elephant.

[R31 Chick]

Oil Changing Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches

3000 since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with

a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20.00 for oil change

$1.00 for coffee

Total = $21.00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oil Changing Instructions for Men

1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00

for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil container is full.

Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle,

dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

6) Place drain pan under engine.

7) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

8) Give up and use crescent wrench.

9) Unscrew drain plug.

10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:

get hot oil on you in process.

11) Clean up mess.

12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

13) Look for oil filter wrench.

14) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

15) Beer.

16) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Finish oil change tomorrow.

17) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

19) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

20) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

22) Remember drain plug from step 11.

23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

24) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole

in the back yard, along with drain plug.

25) Drink beer.

26) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

27) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

28) Drink beer.

29) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and

bang knuckles on frame.

30) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

31) Begin cussing fit.

32) Throw wrench.

33) Beer.

34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage

as required to stop blood flow.

35) Beer.

36) Beer.

37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

38) Beer.

39) Lower car from jack stands.

40) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

41) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to

fresh oil spilled during step 23.

42) Beer.

43) Test drive car.

44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

47) Car gets impounded.

45) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts

$25.00 beer

$75.00 replacement set of jack stands

$1,000.00 Bail

$200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00

[Nexus_SiX]

yeah.....

so whats your point?

[R31 Chick]

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar,

I thought it might have been because I was a bit late

but he didn't say anything much about it. The

conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere

more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this

restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.

I tried to cheer him up

and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him,

and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I

love him and he just put his arm around me.

I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it

back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if

he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just

switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then

after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards

I just wanted to leave but I just

cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know

what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

The Longhorns lost. Felt Tired. Got laid though!

[R31 Chick]

Perfect Day

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15

Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30

Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45

Breakfast in bed, squeezed

orange juice and croissants

9:15

Soothing hot bath with

fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00

Light workout at club with

handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30

Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00

Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45

Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00

Shopping with friends.

3:00

Nap.

4:00

A dozen roses delivered by florist.

Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15

Light workout at club followed

by a gentle massage.

5:30

Pick outfit for dinner.

Primp before mirror.

7:30

Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00

Hot shower. Alone.

10:30

Make love.

11:00

Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15

Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00

Alarm.

6:15

Blowjob.

6:30

Massive dump while

reading the sports section.

7:00

Breakfast. Filet Mignon,

eggs, toast and tea.

7:30

Limo arrives.

7:45

Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15

Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30

Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45

Play front nine at Augusta,

finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45

Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on

the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15

Blowjob.

12:30

Play back nine at Augusta,

finish 4 under par.

2:15

Limo back to airport.

Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20

Blowjob

2:30

Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas.

Nap.

3:15

Late afternoon fishing

excursion with topless female crew.

4:15

Blowjob

4:30

Catch world record light

tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

5:00

Jet back home. En route,

get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00

Watch Sportscenter.

7:30

Dinner. Lobster appetizers,

1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

9:00

Relax after dinner with 1789

Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00

Have sex with two

18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00

Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46

One last blowjob

11:59

Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.

Watch the dog leave the room.

12:00

Laugh yourself to sleep.

[dan_the_man]

Perhaps a little less male bashing jokes

[R31 Chick]

Jokes, where, oh you mean those ones!!! Sorry, I thought they were true!!! Hehe!!! Thought they were fitting for a male dominated forum!

[dan_the_man]

[Nizmo]

THE MAN HITS BACK!!!!

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

----------------------------------------

Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman

who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to

support you.

----------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to

the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she

starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

----------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

----------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once

you let him in.

----------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

--------------------------------------

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

----------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

---------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I

said,"Dust!"

----------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and

rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

----------------------------------------

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,

"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said,"God, I wish

I had your willpower."

----------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

once.

----------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a

bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[SKYL9]

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?

A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?

A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?

A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?

A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata!

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?

A: Ripping it back off.

Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?

A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?

A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bricks?

A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.

Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?

A: Getting it out of the tires.

Q: How is a baby like a grape?

A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.

Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?

A: A baby with a javelin in it's head.

[MrSnrub]

Dude do you have issues??

[ImpulR33R]

If dove is the Bird of Peace, What is the bird of True Love?

The Swallow

[ImpulR33R]

Why do women fake orgasms?

because they think men care.

[ImpulR33R]

what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, she's been told twice before

[ImpulR33R]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it

[ImpulR33R]

what is the difference between a battery and a woman?

a battery has a positive side

[ImpulR33R]

whats the difference between your wife andyou job?

after 10 years the job still sucks

[ImpulR33R]

How can you tell if a man is happy?

who cares?

[ImpulR33R]

why are blonde jokes so short?

so men can remember them

[ImpulR33R]

how do you get holy water?

boil the hell out of it