Jokes!!!

[ImpulR33R]

how do you double the value of a daewoo?

fill it with petrol

[ImpulR33R]

what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

a nervous wreck

[ImpulR33R]

where do you find a dog with no legs?

right where you left him

[ImpulR33R]

why do men die before their wives?

because they want to

[ImpulR33R]

whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

the taste

[ImpulR33R]

what do you call a pretty girl in england?

tourist

[ImpulR33R]

what did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

nothing they have never met

[ImpulR33R]

what has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

a pool table

[ImpulR33R]

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

a stick

[AeroGrace]

why does the bride wear white?

cos it matches the dishwasher, microwave, washer, fridge etc etc.

[Nizmo]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, " 7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown".

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks are you Ok?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figure I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs. each and my name is Turner Brown".

The small guy says, "Thank God !! I thought you said Turn Around".

[Guest RedLineGTR]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition

to be a police officer.

[Guest RedLineGTR]

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me

a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us

does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no

other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Guest RedLineGTR]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the

salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[R31 Chick]

SKYL9, I take it you have a major hang up about babies!!!!

Niz, you are supposed to stand up for us females!

[dan_the_man]

What do u say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, u already told the beeyatch twice

[R31 Chick]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

[Guest Mr T]

disclaimer: if you're sensitive to racist/homosexual/violent jokes, skip this posts. if they dont bother you, enjoy.

*a gay couple are home on a friday night bored*

gay guy1: im bored, lets play hide and seek. i'll hide and if you find me, i'll give you a blowjob.

gay guy2: well, what if i dont find you?

gay guy1: dont be silly, i'll be behind the couch

how do you know when an ethiopian is about to throw up?

his family and friends are waiting around with knives and forks in hand

what do u say when u see your TV floating in the middle of the night?

hey Ni--a(gg) drop it

why dont you run over a black man on a bike?

cos it might be yours

why did god give black men big dicks?

cos he put pubic hair on their head

how come there are no good mexicans in the olympics?

cause all the ones that can run, swim, and climb are in america!

whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

whats the difference between a mexican and a pizza?

a pizza can feed a family of four

Why did the top bloke get fired from the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job

How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?

Nail it's other foot to the ground

How do you get 900 babies into a phone booth?

A blender

whats the difference between a ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

i don't have a ferrari in my garage

What's the worst part about having sex with a dead baby?

Hearing its spine break

How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe your bloody **** on it's teddy bear

how do you make a woman scream for ours after sex?

wipe ur dick on the curtain

whats 12 inches long and garaunteed to make a woman scream?

a dead baby

what's better than winning a Gold medal at the para-olympics?

having 2 legs

What's red and wet and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion

[dan_the_man]

Two fags are bangin away in bed one night when their house caught on fire. They both scrambled to get their important belongings and leave.

Only one survived.... which one was it?

The one on the bottom cause his sh1t was packed already

[R31 Chick]

Here is one for you Troy!

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf

fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very

early and golfs all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets

up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes

out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining. It's a

torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing

50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather

channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day

long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses

and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and

whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she

replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing