Jokes!!!

[R31 Chick]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one

and goes over to the register. A Wal-Mart associate

is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me

anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter

I can tell you everything you need to know

about it from the sound that it makes.''

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line.

It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.''

She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just

by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.''

He walks behind the counter to the register.

Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but

then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—

being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.''

She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?''

He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

[R31 Chick]

Top 20 ways to say

"Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY

TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

[R31 Chick]

Why God Made Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently

become lost in the garden because he would

not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require

someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy

himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would

therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a

doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night

to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men

would never be able to handle the pain and

discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never

remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his

troubles on when God caught him hiding in the

garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be

alone."

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why

God created Eve....

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He

stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can

do better than that!"

[R31 Chick]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted

a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

that said $50.00. "Why so little,"

she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should

tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of

prostitution, and sometimes it

says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had

to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the

bird's cage up in her living room

and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and

said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but

then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two tennage daughters returned from school

the bird saw them and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but

then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband,

Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[skyzerr33]

please keep any racial and overly vulgar jokes out of this thread we've had complaints

[Lozzle]

ok....

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!!!!!

[Lozzle]

What is blue and yellow??

GREEN!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

terrible, but i love em

[R31 Chick]

Sorry Troy. Hope it wasn't mine that offended anyone. If it was, then like I said, sorry. I will doube think over ay jokes now.

[dan_the_man]

An Irish man, an English man and a Lawyer walked into a pub. The bar tender looked up and said "What is this a joke?!"

Hope thats not racial....

[skyzerr33]

Originally posted by R31 Chick

Sorry Troy.  Hope it wasn't mine that offended anyone.  If it was, then like I said, sorry.  I will doube think over ay jokes now.

blame paulie he was the one with the week stomach

[GTS-t VSPEC]

Just trying to save Prank from any lawsuits, unlike the mods around here:p

[R31 Chick]

Paulie, its all your fault!!!!

Thats it, I am blaming you, hehe!

[Pva_Glue]

Pauly is stiring up shits again...

and why I didnt get notified regarding your complain?

[GTS-t VSPEC]

Sorry Joe, I sent it direct to Troy, cause you and Booster ain't around much:D

[R31 Chick]

When is Paulie not stirring up shits????

[GTS-t VSPEC]

So that makes you and Joe both shits:p

[R31 Chick]

Hay, you are not stirring up me or Joe!!!!

Here is another one anyway.

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer, to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously showed her neighbor the message, which read: ''Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.''

[R31 Chick]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

[R31 Chick]

little boy walked out into a field saying, 'I'm the greatest hitter in the world!'

He tossed up the ball, swung at it, and missed. The boy yelled, 'Strike one!'

Then he tossed the ball a second time and missed, 'Strike Two!'

The boy checked his bat, concentrated very hard, tossed up his ball and missed again.

Then the boy said, 'Boy, I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!

[Nizmo]

Just before Rob died, he said to his wife, " When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died,she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife.

"I wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

... Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman