Jokes!!!

[G0DF4Th3R]

i for one am disturbed by the dead baby jokes..

i love babies

[Guest Nobel Soul]

A letter from a red neck mother to her 2 sons

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[skyzerr33]

heres one the boys will like

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ

so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I

never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their

heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets

thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the

passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I

just want you to hold me." I said, "What??"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She

explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman."

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing is

going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went

shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on

three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I

told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants

matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the jewellery deptartment where she gets a set of diamond

earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought that

I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think

she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't

even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this when she said, "I'm ready

to go, let's go to the cash register," I could hardly contain myself when I

blurted out, " No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said,

"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just

when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must

not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during spring 2005.

[GTS-t VSPEC]

Troy, That was very brave to post your real life account of you an Kyles shopping:bahaha:

[Guest Nobel Soul]

Voodo Dick

This one business man recently married to a hot young blonde in her early 20's. He himself being in his 50's is just managing to keep up with her sexual requirements. However they are loving it and enjoying every bit of it.

Not two months passed their wedding and the husband has to go for a two week business trip over seas. Knowing his wife's desires, a worry starts inside him. So the next day after work he heads of to the local sex toy shop. Up and down he searches, and finds nothing that would keep his wife busy while he was away. He finally gives up and walks over to the counter. Behind the counter is and old man, seeing how sad this chap is he asks "what’s wrong son?" the man explains his situation, but the old man shakes his had and says "sorry, cant help".

This really shatters him, he thanks the old man, and heads for the door. Upon seeing this, the old man feels sorry for him and calls him back and says "look son i have one other thing, but i have never showed this to anyone, i am only doing this for you because you seem like decent person" the man thanks him and assures him of his good intentions.

The old man reaches down and from under his table pulls out an old dusty box. He opens the box and in it is wooden dick. Upon seeing this the man remarks "the shelves are full of this" the old man shakes his head and says watch this "Voodoo dick door knob" the voodoo rises jumps of the table walks to the door and starts going for the door knob, every time the sound getting louder and the door shaking harder. The man sees this and see the door is about to break any minute, he asks the old man "stop it or it will brake the door" so the old man says "Voodoo dick box" the voodoo walks across the store and back into the box.

The man’s worries vanish and joy runs through him. The old man tells him that only his wife can use it and every time his wife gets the urge and desire, she only has to say "voodoo dick my vagina" once she is done she should say "voodoo dick box".

The man couldn’t thank the old man enough; he takes the box with care and heads home.

The night before he fly’s out he explains to his wife the process and she appreciates what he has done for her.

4 days since the husband is gone, her desires and urges kick in, and she becomes restless, so she goes for the box and before she knows it, she says the magic word, the voodoo dick jumps out of the box and into action. To her amazement it feels alive and real, she reaches an orgasm in no time, and she even has multiple orgasms. After a few orgasms she has had enough and wants the voodoo dick to stop but she can’t remember the words she tries different words but to no avail. The voodoo dick continues thrusting inside her vagina.

She starting getting worried so she calls the local hospital and explains the story they checked their database and they had one other case 20 years ago, they knew how to take it out but not how to stop it so she had to go to the hospital.

So she jumps in her car and drives towards the hospital, down the high way and another orgasm is just about to erupt, the car swerves side to side, and what do you know, the high police is right behind her thinking she is a drunk driver. He stops her, comes over to her window and says “young lady what do you think your doing”, she starts explaining her story when she finishes, he thinks it is all a big load of crap so he leans over to her window and says "Voodo Dick my Ass".

[Sr20ist]

Good joke

Why do you tape up a ginnie pig.....?

So it dosnt explode when you **** it

[Sr20ist]

whats worst then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree....?

1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees

[Sr20ist]

what do you call a pengiun walking around in a desart....?

LOST

[Hicks]

A bloke was drivin across the nulabour when he came past a coo....err..indiginous person trying to hitch a ride while riding a bike. He pulls over and says "the cars full but you and your bike can fit in the trailer, theres just a few old black bowling balls and shit in there".

The man stops at the border line while the inspectors check his car for illegal goods.

"Holy F#ck!! Just drive!!!" says one of the inspectors.

So the car takes off in a cloud of smoke.

"why did you make him drive off so fast?" says another inspector.

"He had abbo eggs in the trailer! One had already hatched and stole a f#ckin bike!!"

[Hicks]

Don't know why he had bowling balls in the trailer though??