Jokes!

[RubyRS4]

Cheaters Jokes

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b *astard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[SLEEPR85]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees a guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and goes to leave, when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, okay, sure. I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "Okay."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah. Okay."

Bob pulls it out, and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps on it, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, and scars. It reeks something awful. The guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[Dohmar]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

[RubyRS4]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

Simple, but funny as

Three nuns are walking thru a public park at night, when a naked man with an erection leaps out in front of them from some bushes.

The first nuns has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke ...

... the third nun says she ain't going to touch his penis like the other two did.

[Dohmar]

not really a joke, but one of those funny quote type things,(cant think of their name)! thought i would share as its funny enough!

Light beer is like eating out your sister, tastes the same but its just not right!

American Beer is like having sex in a canoe, its f**king close to water....

[Jonnyboy89]

not really a joke, but one of those funny quote type things,(cant think of their name)! thought i would share as its funny enough!

Light beer is like eating out your sister, tastes the same but its just not right!

[R32 project]

2 guys are walking up a sand dune in the desert.They have been lost for days, famished and on the brink of starvation

Man 1: "I can smell Bacon!".

Man 2: "Thats impossible, its the middle of the desert. You must be so starved your smelling things that arent there".

Man 1 runs over the dune and see's a bacon hanging off a tree, sizzling and succulent in the sun. Man 2 just stands there in disbelief while Man 1 runs over to the bacon tree. Then, all of a sudden, machine guns fire and riddle him with bullets. He falls to the ground in pain. Man 2 runs over to try and help.

Man 1: "Dont come any closer! Its not a bacon tree, its a ham bush!"

[Jonnyboy89]

haha that is the lamest but funniest shit ^^^^^^^^^^^

[madbung]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself .

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

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So they buried Debbie

Edited October 31, 2008 by madbung

[Dohmar]

A Buddhist walks into a McDonalds and says

"Make me One with Everything"

-D

[steveP]

A man walks into a phycharists office not wearing a thing, but wrapped head to toe in glad wrap.

Phycharist looks at the man, examines him.. then replys "i can clearly see your nuts".

[SLEEPR85]

After the barman called the last round John ordered his last and gulped on down in one shot, get up but collapse to the floor. He tried to get up a few times but failed every time. At last he decided that he would crawl home as it was just around the corner. he eventually made it home and battled again to get up at the door. Once again he fell to the floor. He manage to get into bed after about three hours of struggeling. The next day his wife opened the curtains and said to him " You have been drinking again last night, didn’t you ?"

He replied "Yes but how did you know ??"

She said 'The barman just phoned and said you left your wheeled chair in the bar"

[SLEEPR85]

Before going out one evening, a married couple made sure to put the dog out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple headed out, the dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

[RubyRS4]

Before going out one evening, a married couple made sure to put the dog out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple headed out, the dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

That sounds more like it came from the Mere Male column

[(OO)Firty Free(OO)]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates."

[HOSTILE]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates."

BAhahahahahahahaaaa absolute gold!

[4door_Sleeper]

Cheaters Jokes

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary....

you missed the last few jokes on the website.

Wouldn't it have been easier just to post a link to the site?

http://www.villines.com/Internet/adultery.htm

or is this yet another "look at me, I'm still here" post? Surly this is what the wasteland is for.

the last joke on the page was:

Joke, the Seventh

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

Edited October 31, 2008 by 4door_Sleeper

[Krishy]

hahahha

i like that one Guy

i bet that goes around a bit at work aye!!!

[RubyRS4]

or is this yet another "look at me, I'm still here" post? Surly this is what the wasteland is for.

No.

Im sure jokes are worthy of their own thread. If not, thats what the mods are here for.

Don't read it if you don't like it.

[craig R33]

rofl

good laugh in here!

jokes are funny to