Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4235579
Share on other sites

2 nuns were out riding their bikes to the market, they decided to take a different route.

The 1st nun leant over and said to the 2nd nun quietly, i've never come this way before'

the 2nd nun replied saying, " me too, its the cobblestones"...

lol

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4239917
Share on other sites

A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is chatting away at her father, when all of a sudden, the penis smacks against the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father," Daddy, what was that?"

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies," It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes says," Sure had a big penis, didn't it?"

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4240048
Share on other sites

> Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from

> a farmer for $100.

>

> The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The

> next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the

> donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my

> money back.'

>

> The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it

> already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

>

> The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to

> raffle him off.' The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

> Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

>

> A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened

> with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500

> tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

>

> The farmer said,

> 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave

> him

> his two dollars back.'

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4242085
Share on other sites

After a hailstorm, a blonde finds her car full of dings. She takes it to the local body shop and asks how to remove them.

The mechanic, deciding to mess with her, says, "Oh, all you have to do is put your mouth on the tailpipe and blow as hard as you can. They'll pop right out."

The blonde goes home, parks her car in front of her house and starts blowing on the tailpipe as hard as she can.

Meanwhile, her blonde friend drives by and asks what she's up to. "I’m just trying to get the dings out of my car," she says. Her friend replies, "You're so stupid. If you want that to work you have to roll up the windows."

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4242266
Share on other sites

After a hailstorm, a blonde finds her car full of dings. She takes it to the local body shop and asks how to remove them.

The mechanic, deciding to mess with her, says, "Oh, all you have to do is put your mouth on the tailpipe and blow as hard as you can. They'll pop right out."

The blonde goes home, parks her car in front of her house and starts blowing on the tailpipe as hard as she can.

Meanwhile, her blonde friend drives by and asks what she's up to. "I'm just trying to get the dings out of my car," she says. Her friend replies, "You're so stupid. If you want that to work you have to roll up the windows."

might give that a go thanx for the tip

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4242312
Share on other sites

Did you read that one Kell ^^^ ;)

If you want to get any dents out ...........

:thumbsup:

you would need a really big mouth to fit around the exhaust on her car

oh wait :)

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

JOKES

thats wat this thread is all about haha

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4243673
Share on other sites

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in

> Tesco's.........

>

> I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in

> Tesco and was

> standing in the queue at the till.

>

> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

>

> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot

> Diet again,

> although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up

> in the hospital last

> time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in

> an intensive care

> ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs

> in both arms.

>

> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the

> way that it

> works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets

> and simply

> eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the

> food is

> nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

>

> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the

> queue was by now

> enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind

> her.

>

> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in

> that condition

> because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because

> I'd been

> sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

>

> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was

> laughing so

> hard as he staggered out the door.

>

> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??!

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/242623-jokes/page/2/#findComment-4243977
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Latest Posts

    • f**kin' yikes! That insulation is the shittest stuff I have ever seen. You need to do an insurance job on that f**ker, pronto. WRT to the washer cover, I would have said that there'd have to be some at a wrecker, then remembered that it's a BMW, and reasoned that every single wrecked one would have been tailgating and so the front end would be trashed.
    • Oh and I lost my headlight washer jet cover!
    • Ok, so I got myself some X1 wheels really cheap to try out, they're a bit different and I like them but they're really narrow (18x8) they are available in staggered 18x8/9 also but really hard to find.  I kinda dig them, but not as much as the F10 19's I usually run, so these go into the wheel pile.         As I mentioned in another thread, I got a new exhaust. It's an off-the-shelf stainless one that fits OH-KAY. I don't love the tips size and how far they come out the back, I think I might cut the tips off and replace with some smaller (~3") ones that don't extend as far. It sounds really good though, I'm not sure if its just in my head but the car feels a little quicker, more responsive.      I fitted an eBay special front lip. Surprisingly it fit perfectly and all holes lined up. Its a little rickety but I haven't put any double sided tape on yet, I want to clean the front bar up where it has scraped the road a lot and fil in the number plate holes (or, get body coloured wrap to cover them - is this a thing?  I'm not sure if I'll leave it gloss or pain it matte. I really like it though, I don't particularly like the front bar without it, I don't really like the M-Sport and to get anything else is just too expensive. That said, I might need a new one now anyway as I dropped the car onto the jack after forgetting to put ramps under the front wheels. It bent a lot and while it did go back to normal after I got the car off the jack, I do fear I have not done it any favours.    Lastly, my headlights died. Different problems in each. They have gotten much dimmer over the past year or so, I put new (uber expensive) OSRAM bulbs in them but to no avail. One of them pointed at the ground and the other just kinda did its own thing with light working sometimes. Yeah, check this 18 year old BMW headlight wire. I reckon I know why they were stuffed.            BTW, the yellow and black is the power to the Xenons. Yikes. I hunted around an researched my options here. I would have loved to just get a replacement harness but not a thing. My car has adaptive headlights, that is they rotate left and right with the steering wheel. Good condition used adaptive xenons were over $700 each, non adaptive were around $400 each, but I couldn't help but think that they're all around 18 years old now, surely they'd have the same problems. So I looked at newer LCI headlights but they were even more expensive and I couldn't confirm that they'd be plug and play with lots of people having lots of opinions so not worth the risk.  I ended up getting brand new Chinese headlights from MARS. They're very close to OEM with only the angel eyes being a bit different. I didnt want crazy turn signals or sharp DRL's or anything. Not my bag.  They're not adaptive, I thought thats a feature I wouldn't really miss. So I coded that out.  The lights are awesome, they look so nice and they take so many years off the car. The angel eyes look great and the headlight brightness is ridiculous. I was so used to the old ones, I didn't realise just how bad they were. The new ones use the OEM bulbs, Xenon ballast and leveller motor which I was happier with. The only issue with them is that the rear cover is held on by SEVEN screws. This will be a nightmare to get to and open when I need to change bulbs.   
    • Now that you mention it I can see those too. More subtle. The lighting and low resolution makes it hard to assess super well what's going on but what is visible is bad enough to pull the motor.
    • I feel like this is due an update
×
×
  • Create New...