Jokes!

[RubyRS4]

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush, whilst reading a childrens book upside down, hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Fixed for you

[J - Rad]

How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

[NISMØ]

Little offensive this one, what do you call a black person with a toy up their ass?

A Kinder Suprise.

[PREISS]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

I went to the seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I found a Tic Tac in the gutter once, it was in mint condition.

[Dohmar]

^^ haha rofl. perfect!

-D

[SLEEPR85]

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.?

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE the sphincter of the universe FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF the sphincter of the universe GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

[Damo_R34]

Brett Ratten was sitting at home one night watching the news, when he saw some TV footage of an Afghani teenager in Guantanamo Bay Detention centre. This kid was some kind of athlete, he could run like the wind, was strong as an ox, and a vertical leap to die for. Ratten was so impressed he got straight on the phone, wheeled, dealed, and pulled every string he could, and just before the start of the season he managed to get his man to Carlton. He could immediately see his faith would be rewarded. So impressive was the kid, that Ratten named him in on a half forward flank for the first game against Richmond.

Just before the players ran out onto the field, Ratten took his new charge, and the rest of the forwards aside, for last second instructions at which point he started gesticulating extravagantly, mimicking the movements to mark the ball "Catch... Ball..." Ratten started, then drawing a circle around himself "turn...around...face... sticks" he went on, motioning up and down for the goal posts, before exaggeratedly pretending to kick the ball at goal saying "kick... ball. goal....".

With this the young Afghani drew himself up and said to Ratten "Sir, please, I am an educated young man, I speak English fluently".. Ratten looked the kid in the eye and yelled at him, "Would you shut up, I'm trying to talk to Fev".

[Krishy]

hahah good one there damo

typical footballers

[scandyflick]

hardtuned.

wait, what?

Edited February 26, 2009 by scandyflick

[J - Rad]

Oooooh no you didn't!

[Damo_R34]

Oooooh no you didn't!

[scandyflick]

Edited February 27, 2009 by scandyflick

[Stagstock]

I told her no.. but nooooo had to have it anyway.

Edited February 27, 2009 by Stagstock

[MissR34]

thats just wrong. wrong. wrong.

[madbung]

A prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!

[madbung]

A Greek woman says to her Mum I'm divorcing George. All he wants is anal sex & my arshole is now the size of a 50c piece, when it used to be a 5c piece. Her Mother says, Maria U are married to a multi-millionaire businessman, U live in an 8-bedroom mansion, U drive a Ferrari, U get a $5,000 a week allowance & U take 6 European holidays a year; U want to throw all that away for 45c

[Stagstock]

[Krishy]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[RubyRS4]

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[Krishy]

that guy thats facing the gun

he is in a lot of those microsoft ads