Jokes!

[James34]

So there's a bus of ugly people thats crashes, and they all die and go to heaven.

While they're waiting at the pearly gates to get in, an angel at the gates says

"You have all lived unfortunate lives as ugly people and died horrifically, so you have been given one wish before you go into heaven".

They all get excited, and the first ugly preson steps up and says,

"I've been ugly my whole life and i'm sick of it, my wish is to be attractive!"

And so it is done, and he goes into heaven. After hearing this, the guy at the back of the line starts to giggle to himself.

The next five people say the same thing, "I hate being ugly! I want to be attractive, I want to be sexy!"

And so they all become attractve and go into heaven. The guy at the back starts to laugh a bit louder now.

Again, the next 10, 15 people say the same thing, "I want to be good looking, i want to be attractive!"

So they all go into heaven attractive. The guy at the back is laughing out loud now.

It gets to the second to last person in the line, and sure enough, that person asks for the same thing,

"I want to be sexy and irresistable".

So he goes in to heaven attractive.

By now, the last guy is in hysterics on the floor. The angel asks him, "And what is your wish?". The guy smiles and says,

"Make em all ugly again!"

[StealthX]

'My girlfriend asked me I've ever pissed in the shower.

I said: "Yeah a couple of times..."

She replied: "That's disgusting! You're sick!"

"It's not my fault! These things happen when you're taking a sh!t!'

[typevu]

Two fishes are in a tank.....

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, and you drive"

[skins]

His father meets him in the living room.

Father: Hi son how was school? Have any home work?

Son: It was okay. My teacher asked everyone to research the difference between potentially and realistically, I'm confused can you help me?

Father: Sure son. Go ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars.

Boy goes to sister's room and returns.

Father: Well what did she say?

Son: Yes

Father: Now go ask your mother the same question.

Boy goes to find mother and returns.

Father: What did your mother say?

Son: Yes

Father: You see son, potentially we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with 2 whores.

[Krishy]

hahaha nice i like that one ^^^

[Dohmar]

There were 3 petrolheads at a dinner table, an American, a Brit, and an Aussie

The American said "I got a Pontiac V8, and when it roars it sounds like a lion, so i call it Leo"

The Brit says "I got a Jaguar V12, and it purrs so smooth when it runs free, so i call my car Pussy"

The Aussie says "I drive a Holden and I call my car 'Clitoris', cause every flamin mongrels got one..."

-D

[TURBZ]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****ing liar......

[Pepsinator]

/\ /\ /\

HAHAHAHAHAH

[Volk34]

Hahaha rofl!

[Krishy]

kiwi and sheep jokes never gets old

[RubyRS4]

NZ Earthquake

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.

France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.

Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.

Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.

Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

[RubyRS4]

A kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."

The man says:

"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

[TURBZ]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and bitches. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and says, "Son I am afraid you are going to have to ask your father that."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the Football game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[RubyRS4]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has experience shoeing horses...

He thought for a minute and said “no, but I once told a donkey to f**k off”.

An irishman went to the doctors, suffering from a bad back.

"How did you do it" asked the doctor?

"I did it having sex doggie style" said Paddy

"Try having sex the normal way" said the doctor

"I did" said paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face"

A tit, a fanny, and an arsehole are having a debate on who's the greatest out of the three of them.

The tit says "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, and that's why I'm the greatest!"

The fanny says "I give birth to new borns and I'm able to accomodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest!"

What are you doing reading this??? It's your turn to say something now!

[RubyRS4]

The pope is showing his nephew how to wank, and his nephew says "this is great"

The pope replies " just you wait till you're 13 and you'll be able to use your own cock"

In Australia approximately 10,000 people are shagging right now

5,000 people are kissing

and 1000 are getting oral

... and one sad f**ker is reading this joke,

Hang on in there mate, your time will come.

[skins]

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear

[Pepsinator]

vSee, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to f**k all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get f**ked by dicks. But dicks also f**k assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't f**k the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!

[scandyflick]

someones been watching team america.

[skins]

Whats the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, the job still sucks

[RubyRS4]

I failed my Biology exam last Friday...

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently, 'Paedophiles' and 'Boat People' don't count.

Dammit...I thought I'd nailed that one!!!

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried ,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say "Dave dont worry about it,you aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients ,and you wont be the last and your single just let it go ".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave your a f**kin vet"!

Duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "you got any bread", the barman replies "no".

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the barman "you got any bread", the barman says "no and if you ask me again ill nail you to the bar"

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the barman "you got any nails", the barman replies "no"!! The duck says you got any bread then?