Jokes!

[Carbon 34]

American Airport security funnies

TSA = TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION, the clowns who check your bags !!

New TSA airport signs while you are waiting in the security checkpoint ...

* Can't see London , can't see France , unless we see your underpants.

*Grope discounts available.

*If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

*Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

*Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

*Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

*Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

*We've handled more balls than Barney Frank

*We are now free to move about your pants

*We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

*It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

*When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

*TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

*You were a virgin!

*We handle more packages than the USPS

*The TSA isn't silly, they just want to inspect your willy

*Stroke of the hand, law of the land

*No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem

*Let your fingers do the Walking

*Cough

*Reach out and touch someone

*Can you feel me now?

*When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette

[Guest pinned2]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the

Instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'

[Krishy]

Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That don't make no f**king sense! Now I didn't go to no fancy school or nothing, but I'll tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.

[skwiz]

Top gear have hired a new Stig.

Some say, he steals high performance cars, and thrashes them.

Some say, he has never showered, and knows all the loopholes in the welfare system.

All we know is, he's called The Nig.

[skwiz]

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

To get some arr and arr.

[Shazza24]

Little Johnnie and Tommy were playing at school , and Johnnie noticed a Rolex on Timmy's arm.

Johnnie said "Hey, how did you get that Rolex?" and Timmy replied "My parents were you know, doing 'IT' the other night and i happened to walk in. So my dad gave me his watch to leave then and there".

This got little Johnnie thinking, and so he waited outside his parents bedroom night after night hoping to surprise his parents. Finally after waiting, on the fourth night 'IT' happened and so little Johnnie burst into the room shouting "Hey, I wanna watch?" And his father looked over at him and said "Ok, but stand in the corner".

[skwiz]

Swear i've heard that one recently

but thats a good one.

[StealthX]

Swear i've heard that one recently

but thats a good one.

Great joke man... lul

[skins]

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.

The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,

"Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[Madaz]

:D

[Damo_R34]

LOL, SO OLD BUT SO GOOD.

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian,'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he said,'You're in charge of shovelling.'

To the Chinaman,'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while.I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the China fella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.'

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,

'SUPPLIES!!!'

[Krishy]

rotflol

[Damo_R34]

Did you know, statistics show that 9/10 people enjoy group rape?

[Aberax]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Kraft]

Not a joke but i took this on holiday, gave me a smile.

[Krishy]

bahaha now that bar lays it out on the line lol

[Dohmar]

Paddy takes his wife to a hotel...

She lays on the bed with legs open and says

"You know what i want dont you?'

"Yep" he replies "all the fkn bed by the looks of it!!!!"

boom tish

-d

[joeyy]

A man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a pink dildo up her

" what the F**k you doing " he shouts !! Well you wont let me have a boyfriend

so this is my substitute she explains.. The next night the daughter comes

home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer.

"what the f**k you doing " she shouts .. he replys " having a beer with your boyfriend " !!!

[Damo_R34]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf club when a guy carrying a golf bag calls out to them , " Do you mind if I join you ? , my partner didn't turn up ".

" Sure " , they said , " you're welcome " , so they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course one of the friends asked the newcomer , " what do you do for a living ? ".

" I'm a hitman " , was the reply.

" You're joking " , replied one of the friends.

" No I'm not " , came the reply , the newcomer then reached into his golf bag , pulled out a Martini sniper rifle with a large telescopic sight and said , " here are my tools ".

" That's a great looking scope " , said one of the friends , " can I take a look , I think I might be able to see my house from here ".

The friend picked up the rifle and looked through the scope in the direction of his house.

" Yeah , I can see my house alright , this scope is fantastic , I can see right in the window , ha , I can even see the wife , ha ha , I can see she's naked , hang on , wait a minute , that's my neighbour there with her , and he's naked too !! ".

He turned to the hitman and asked " how much do you charge for a hit ? ".

" I'll do you a flat rate , $1000 every time I pull the trigger " , replied the hitman.

" Can you do two for me now ? " , asked the friend.

" Sure " , said the hitman , " how do you want it ? ".

" First , shoot my wife , she's always been a bit mouthy , so shoot her in the mouth , then my neighbour , he's actually not a bad bloke so , just shoot him in the old-feller , that should teach him a lesson ".

The hitman takes the rifle and takes aim , standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

" Are you going to do it or not ? " , say's the friend impatiently.

" Just be patient " , replies the hitman calmly , " I think I can save you a grand here ".

[Pepsinator]

LOL AT BEER WITH BF HAHAHAHAHAHAH

and Hitman Joke

i got one

A Irish lad flew over to a millionaires house in the Northern Territory

the millionaire invited heaps of people for a gathering

He stood up and said

"Here is a pool with a crocodile in it"

"The person to dive in and wrestle the crocodile and drag him out , i will give him a million dollars"

Without anytime to spare the Irish lad plummets into the pool wrestling the crocodile

after a good 20 minutes wrestling the Irish lad submerges with the crocodile in his hands

"Wow!! that was fantastic " said the millionaire

"Heres your 1 million dollars"

"I dont want that!" said the Irish man

"Well heres half a million"

"i dont want that either"

"Well heres the keys to my ferrari"

"i dont want that either"

"Then what do you want"

"I want the prick that pushed me in"