Worst Cars Stigs Ever Driven.

[hamiltonau]

The Stig: the five worst cars I’ve driven

Ben Collins

April 29, 2011

The Alfa Romeo 8C was the worst supercar Ben Collins ever drove.

Regardless of how you feel about some people, most of the time you can find a redeeming feature if you dig deep enough. After all, Wayne Rooney can kick a football. In the galaxy of motoring, however, there are occasions when the only redemption for a machine lies inside a box of matches. I've danced a few tangos with some beautiful belles over the years but I recall driving some dogs, too.

One brand of car proved so vociferous in its badness that it made me swear out loud and punch the steering wheel whenever I drove it. I'll deal with that one last in my list of ''five worst cars ever''.

I will begin with the worst supercar I ever drove, which was also one of the most beautiful. The Alfa Romeo 8C had the kind of looks that suggested she was wearing a suspender belt underneath that red dress. Her husky V8 voice whispered to you that 450 horsepower (336kW) was ready to tickle your toes with a feather and 100km/h would come in just four seconds.

My date with the 8C took place on the Fluela Pass, a high mountain road that snakes across the Swiss Alps via an endless barrage of hairpin bends and cambered sweepers. You might call it a rite of passage for a car's handling capability, because the constant twisting worked the brakes and suspension hard and the slightest error meant being dispatched into a ravine.

Pressing the brake pedal of the 8C was confusing, because the brakes seemed to operate the steering. The suspension was so unhinged that the weight of the car felt like it stayed on whatever wheel it had been leaning on during the previous corner as you entered the next one. Hitting the brakes, therefore, effected a sudden and perilous weight transfer.

The stiff suspension reacted violently. The ensuing skid as you entered a corner was jaw-dropping, as the 8C lifted its skirt to reveal not the frilly lace it had promised but, rather, a set of wedding tackle.

Next is a car that looked like it was born during a nuclear winter; a cross between a deformed newt and a cement mixer.

The Fiat Multipla broke ground by cramming in two rows of three seats line astern but it made her a big, wide unit. It took 12 seconds to reach 100km/h, whereupon it didn't handle too badly but you looked daft behind the wheel.

Next on the list is a horrible bucket of bling that dares to call itself a 4x4: the Cadillac Escalade SUV. The ''Platinum'' model totes crass 22-inch chromed spoke alloys and tinted windows designed to curry favour with drug dealers. Around town it positively bleeds fuel and if you even suggest taking it off road it fakes injury.

When we did point it at the most modest of trenches, the axle shook like blancmange before the Caddy bottomed out and got stuck. On closer inspection, we found essential-looking wiring had parted company with the vehicle and hung out of the wheel arches, along with the electrical tape that previously held everything together. Truly awful.

The US produced another major disappointment in the new Dodge Charger. We waited 30 years for the Charger to fly back into our lives the way it did in 1968 during the chase scene of Bullitt.

The new Charger appeared in 2005 and underwhelmed with its heavy weight, modest power and woeful automatic gearbox. When it comes to classic remakes, the only manufacturer that seemed to get it right was Chevrolet with the Camaro SS.

The end is nigh. Apocalypse. Three little letters that encapsulate the absolute worst of vehicle design: T-V-R. They were all ghastly, unreliable and held together by craft glue but the standout cataclysm was the TVR Sagaris.

It had no door handles. To open the door you pressed a button under the wing mirror and prayed the electrics worked, because on many TVRs they don't. The seating was invented by Houdini and changing gear required you to dislocate a shoulder.

Meaningless quasi-aerodynamic features on the bodywork shook violently when you reached speed and that happened quickly. Zero to 100km/h took just 3.8 seconds.

It had no ABS or traction control, which would normally attract my praise, but the handling was so beguiling. Human beings have an innate feel for cars, perhaps developed over thousands of years of balancing on horseback.

The Sagaris told porkies to your instincts. In bends, the weight of the engine over the front wheels made it pitch insanely and I spun off countless times with no idea why. If this was the result with a so-called pro at the wheel, I pitied the man who polished it all week before going for a Sunday drive. Worse still, Jeremy Clarkson loved it. I rest my case.

Ben Collins is a racing driver who was Top Gear's The Stig in a previous life.

[warps]

Worse still, Jeremy Clarkson loved it. I rest my case.

Lol win

[joeyjoejoejuniorshabadoo]

hahaha sore much?

love it

[stig mick]

I don't remember Jeremy ever having a nice thing to say about a TVR

I remember him saying his wife liked one of them but not him

[hksgtrpwr]

The new Honda civic type r he absolutely bags it out big time.

[krzysiu]

Lol Jeremy called him a rat in one of the first season 16 eps. Also loved when they shot guns at stig cutouts while trying to shoot him in the nuts to get the highest score

[GTR-N1]

I'll never be in a position to drive an 8C Pat - and I probably wouldn't want to unless it was someone else's, just to see how bad a car can get.

I'd believe Collins though.

I've owned 2 Alfas in my life, and I must say they can be quirky!

1) Brand New 1979 Alfetta GTV which all the girls (and some guys) thought was s*x on wheels

* It could out-corner just about anything except an XU-1 or a Lotus in that price range

* The exhaust manifold had a way of breaking away from the block via bolts unscrewing themselves

* Air cond > oil leaks from the crank

* Front seats were an Italian state of art rather than robust

* The sound of the exhaust was the best of any 4 cyl car

* Hoses were never made for Aussie conditions and kept on perishing

* No rust because I had the car "ENDRUST" treated the 1st week

* Through hairpin bends, tailshaft universal joints (made of rubber) kept on breaking to the extent that the Alfa Service Dept asked me to take them for a drive, so that I could prove I wasn't some asian crackpot driver LOL

2) Used 1989 164Q (1 of 50 in Oz)

* Front strut towers started to crack

* Rear gas strut hinges started to wear through the rear quarter panel

* Rear quarter panel recesses contained bags of sand for I don't the f**k what for

* Front seat surrounds made of plastic would crack

* Centre console near the handbrake would crack

* It'd only corner decently with plenty of turn-in after I had a front tower brace fabricated > smile on my face all the way home (- yes the change was that dramatic)

* The Alfa sound on a six cyl. car was just as good as above with its triangular centre soundbox.

Would I buy one again?

Hmmm... I might be a slow learner - but I'm not a masochist - LOL

[badhairdave]

2) Used 1989 164Q (1 of 50 in Oz)

* Rear quarter panel recesses contained bags of sand for I don't the f**k what for

It's called the handling pack...

[GTR-N1]

It's called the handling pack...

haha.....

I didn't check if the grains were white crystalline powder either...

[Birds]

lol @ sandbags.

Just be glad you got them from factory, some people pay good money to have them retrofitted at certain used car dealers.

[hamiltonau]

how did you find the sandbags anyway? maybe Clarkson had it once and tried to bulletproof the car with them ala the mid-east special.

it doesnt work but still worth a shot (no pun intended)

I knew Alfas were unreliable but jesus it sounds like you got the short end of a very short stick twice in a row..

[GTR-N1]

Well Pat and others, I was smitten with this design > http://www.alfetta-gtv.ch/

It was an early 70s design by Bertone and it cornered better than its nearest rival, the Lancia Beta Coupe and I thought it attracted a better class of girls than an XU-1 - LOL

I knew these things were prone to rust > Terry gives the Italian lady the ENDRUST treatment.

There were no car forums or even computers back then. You had to join a car club (to find out about pitfalls), but I was too shy.

Like Clarkson, I was willing to overlook oil leaks and breakages to hear the sound of this thing. It sounded better than a Miura. imho - lol

By the time I was ready for a fast 4 door sports sedan and this rare 164 Quadrifoglio (4 leaf clover) came up, my heart overtook my head once again.

I just loved all the firm thick leather, I liked the way it could drag off a VN V8 or a 3000GT (until 3rd gear); but I didn't realise that it couldn't corner and got quite a shock at how torque steer could send me into weird angles hehe...

Now for the sand bags...

The rear boot hinge was wearing through the right quarter panel > I tried to bend the hinges back to some semblance of vertical > reached down into a cavity > thought...

"WTF is this???"

Thank you guys for sharing my Alfa story.

I never did have the heart to tell admiring ladies what can go wrong with an Alfa Romeo

And BTW...

Alfa Romeo still has the best badge!

lol

[tweety bird]

a guy down the street from me has a red gtv6.

dam it's a good looking car.

[ianjb]

I use to own a 84 ( I think) GTV4.

looked hot, Sounded hot (despite only running on 3 cylinders) Brakes where HORRIBLE, 1st ,2nd, 3rd & 4th gears crunched if above 3k RPM (every time) it was rusted through to shit but oh was it fun to drive!!!!!

not "the" car. but same model

Edited May 13, 2011 by ianjb

[GTR-N1]

Sorry Pat, but this is srsly turning into an Alfetta Thread LOL

Our Alfettas were designed under the Bertone banner...

Which means what??

And who cares??

Well, as my son informs me, the designer was Giorgetto Giugiaro.

And he designed all of these...

http://en.wikipedia....uence_on_design

A true master!

Design Credits include...

* Lotus Esprit '72

* BMW M1 Homage Concept '08

* BMW M1 '77

* De Lorean DMC-12

* Ducati 860GT '75

* Seiko Speedmaster '86

* Lamborghini Cala '95

* Maserati Merak '72

* Maserati Spyder '02

* Maserati 4200 Coupe '02

* De Tomaso Mangusta '66

* Ferrari 250 GT Bertone

* Ferrari GG50 '05

* Ford Mustang Concept '66

* Subaru SVX '91

* Alfa Romeo Brera '02

and of course our beloved Alfetta GT/GTV '74 onwards...

[hamiltonau]

hey as long as one of my threads isnt deleted im happy

oh and love the above list, that guy is Legen....wait for it....Dary !!

personal favourite is the Subaru SVX.

honest..

[GTR-N1]

^ ^ ^ that one always turned heads Pat, until this...

http://www.autoblog.com/2008/04/27/modern-retro-bmw-m1-homage-officially-revealed/

Hmmmm.... YUM!

[R-PWR]

Saw the civic type r one what a classic he doesn't stop

[hamiltonau]

hit the link, very nice.

did he actually design the hommage though or is it just a tribute to him?