A joke for the day

[Tosh]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[Kero]

Cute Stuff

[Kero]

How to make the Olympics more interesting

[Kero]

Continued...

[Kero]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:

* the Death Slide,

* the Wall of Fear,

* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her :

* a Happy Meal

* with extra fries

* and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies:

* the latest Star Wars epic,

* a hot dog,

* popcorn,

* all the Coke she could drink,

* and her favourite lolly, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f^ckin tulip"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[Duncan]

gold!

[Kero]

Victor and Donna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Victor suddenly jumped in the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Donna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Victor to safety.

When the psychiatric director became aware of Donna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Donna the news he said, "Donna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged.

Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Victor, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his belt right after you saved him.

I am sorry, but he's dead."

Donna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon do I go home?"

[Kero]

Is that the date?

[Kero]

t-shirt funny's!

[Kero]

Have not seen this one for a while...

[Kero]

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

28. Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

AND THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST THESE DAYS - - -

35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What happened ?”

[Kero]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

[Kero]

Bumper Stickers

[Kero]

continued...

[Kero]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb...

[Kero]

Man's life before and after marriage...

[Kero]

Sisterhood

[Kero]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Kero]

oldie...

The year's best (actual) headlines of 2003

+(america) crack found on governor's daughter ( won't go there!)

+something went wrong in jet crash, expert says (no, really?)

+police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers (now that's taking things a bit far!)

+is there a ring of debris around uranus? (not if you wipe thoroughly!)

+panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over (wow what a guy!)

+miners refuse to work after death (no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!)

+juvenile court to try shooting defendant (see if that works any better than a fair trial!)

+war dims hope for peace (i can see where it might have that effect!)

+if strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile (you think?!)

+cold wave linked to temperatures (who would have thought!)

+enfield (london) couple slain; police suspect homicide (they may be on to something!)

+red tape holds up new bridges (you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!)

+man struck by lightning faces battery charge (he probably is the battery charge!)

+new study of obesity looks for larger test group (weren't they fat enough?!)

+astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft (that's what he gets for eating those beans!)

+kids make nutritious snacks (taste like chicken!)

+chef throws his heart into helping feed needy (that was really giving of himself!)

+local high school dropouts cut in half (chainsaw massacre all over again!)

+hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors (boy, are they tall!)

and the winner is....

+typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead (i certainly hope so!)

[Kero]

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over.

Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.

"It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls".

"It's in his pocket". Etc., etc.

Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.

Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes.

As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.

For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said:

"OK, I give up, where the f__ did you put the ship?"