A joke for the day

[GTRSRULE!!!]

PET NAMES

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.

Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.

"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

FIRE ENGINE

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,

"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

A ROLL OF QUARTERS

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

A 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

THE FREE BEER CHALLENGE

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

IN A DRUNKEN HAZE

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

THREE BEERS

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked.

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

[Kero]

Stripper - Open when alone

[Guest RedLineGTR]

ahaha

[Goon]

haha.. kero, you always lighten up my day!

[GTRSRULE!!!]

WISHING THE DAYS AWAY

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

CATCHING OUT THE BARMAN

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars,"

The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

THE WIDOW

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

THE LITTLE PIGGIES HAVE A DRINK

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.

One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

THE WORKS OUTING

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked.

"I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply.

"Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?"

"Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

JUST SHOWING OFF

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Designated Driver

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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Drunk and Falling Down

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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

The Purple Gorilla

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A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.

After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders

starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken

man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at

first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.

"But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla."

he tells the now drunk customer.

He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back

door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of

which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.

As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the

drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."

Through the door they walk down an immense hallway,

so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they

walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the

purple gorilla.

At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough

wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.

Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender

once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you

are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch

my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious

to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he

would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful

pet.

With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide

bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized

room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they

approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a

12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer

specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this

world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood

marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he

needs to get back to help at the bar.

The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and

continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him

with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.

Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to

touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was

so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make

him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour

he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.

"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the

drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar

came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide

bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on

the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down

the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered

breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached

the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and

the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall

after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.

Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half

way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its

hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the

bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face

getting way too close to him.

As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back

door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across

the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.

Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few

seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up

to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple

muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.

"Tag, you're It." it said.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Kero i seen them b4 but they're still pretty funny

[Kero]

Reasons not to get drunk

[Kero]

President's in drag!

[Kero]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Wake the wife? (not me)

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the

Other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go

home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I

get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I

take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I

get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes

up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the

wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up

the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands

on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'

....and she's always sound asleep.

Free Booze?

Andy & Angus were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold beer or

three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Andy

came up with a brilliant strategy. I'll take the 50 cents and show you

how we can drink all day for free!" Quickly, he went into a butcher's

shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Angus' fly. They

then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender.

They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the

money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking

the sausage hanging out of Angus' fly. Get out of my pub, you filthy

bastards!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They

did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more. "I just can't do

this anymore", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling

down on the floor so much." "It's all right for you", Angus replied. "I

lost the sausage after the third pub."

Vaseline and super glue

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,

Where's Mom and dad?"

And she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to

play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and

Dad?"

And she replied; "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went

out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his

Grandma "where's Mom and dad?"

And his grandmother replied; "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother said;

"Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh what

is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and

asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Horsy Ride

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the

night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and

thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can

even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I

ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,

and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops

on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and

gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and

the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Southwest Airlines has the Answer

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to

Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and

asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why

don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the

stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big

cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because

Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to

you."

The wedding gift

...You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent

wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local

newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the

reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the

crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long

distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to

thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for

providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation

he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding

party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone,

and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex

with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks

earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just

standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of

minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he

turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the

dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after

finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,

as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay

over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,

trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends

and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of

this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends - $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion - $3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui - $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride

humping the best man. .......Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's

MASTERCARD.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Halloween party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a

terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,

being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his

good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away

he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without

pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as

much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she

would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when

she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on

the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a

little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and

being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry

and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she

agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just

before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put

the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation

he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a

time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a

good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got

there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the

den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you.... the guy I

loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Head Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the

head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two

years and cost over ?1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason

the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the

man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own

study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the

British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of

in excess of ?2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head

of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with

more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to

conduct their own study. The Irish didnt really trust British or French

studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost

of right around ?75.00 ( 3 bottles of whiskey), the Irish study was

complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is

larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and

hitting you in the forehead!

A Bad Day for A Farmer

A farmer is in is local getting drunk. After a few pints the barman

asks

"Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

"Well if you must know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and

just as the I got the bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it

over"

"Whats the big deal?" said the barman

"Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some

rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as the bucket was

about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"

"So what did you do then?" asked the barman.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat

back down and continued to milk her. Then just as I had got the bucket

about full the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail."

"So then what did you do?" asked the barman.

"Well I didn't have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her

tail to the rafter. And then my trousers fell down just as my wife

walked in....."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Identify the Cum Stain

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

Your Mother

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and

starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of

lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your

mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his

drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the

middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my ****!'. And then goes back to

his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again

and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in

the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger

off home'.

Pinnochio's girlfriend

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time

we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says,

"Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you

doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

Farmers Wife

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how

to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.

Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident.

He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you

see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

Hillbilly Love

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden

one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened

very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled

and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or

what?"

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when

Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the

opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there

waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the

opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep

inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then

he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of

the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this

cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some

really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in

anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!

WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the

cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of Newspaper read...~~

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Naked in redneckville

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and

his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted

by the Sheriff.

"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down

Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."

"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.

"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We

had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda

frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did.

Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary

Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.'

So we did." He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more

and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and

she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and

boots.

Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and

said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town'.

The Pope Needs Love

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom

could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old

physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an

hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what

was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of

the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to

do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the

cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope

with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four

conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.

Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what

are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see

whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is

having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out

with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long

pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

"Big tits" replied the Pope.

Redneck sex

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my

wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, She floats 6

inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze

love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za

soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed

in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished pokin

the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my

wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling.

Doing The Washing

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it came to doing the deed.

The idea of openly confessing their sexual desires was too difficult

for them. Finally, they both sat down to resolve their problem. They

agreed that anytime either partner wanted to have sex, all they had to

do was ask the other partner, ''Do you want to do the washing?'' So the

weeks went on and things started to get better. The husband would nudge

his wife in bed and say, ''Love, do you want to do the washing?'' Then

they would have sex. The wife did the same when she felt frisky. One

night, the husband went to bed early because he was tired. A few hours

later the wife followed. After getting in bed she felt the urge to get

it on. So she nudged her husband and whispered, ''Honey, do you want to

do the washing?'' ''No thanks, love,'' he said. ''It was only a small

load tonight, so I did it by hand.''

Biting the Bullet

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a

bank robbery was happening. Just as she was going passed the bank, she

was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and

they managed to save the lives of her children (two girl sand a boy)

and hers. Fourteen years later, one of her daughters came running out

of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, "Mom, I've just

had a period and a bullet came out."

So her mother sat her down and explained what happened.

A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the

bathroom again screaming that she too had a period and a bullet came

out. So again, she explained the story.

Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the

bathroom.

The mother says, "Let me guess. You've had a crap and found a bullet in

the toilet."

"No," shouts the boy, "I've just wacked off and shot the dog."

Old Man - Blow Job

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the

punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his

first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not

keen on this asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new

guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a

gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the change and takes the room. The

devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says

"okay, stop now, you've been relieved".

Woman & the hillbillies

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports

car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily,

she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and

knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my

car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night

until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you

messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door

and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in

the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for

the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about

the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their

room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways

of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have

to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of

them go at it all night long.

*****

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking

back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty

years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Feeling sheepish?

The only survivor of a shipwreck, Pierre washed ashore on a desert

island. He managed to find food and water, and didn't mind the

solitude, but he grew horny as hell. So when a sheep walked down the

beach one day, he dragged the beast back to his hut and jumped it.

But just as he was starting to get it on, a dog ran out of the jungle

and began to attack him, and in trying to defend himself from the dog,

Pierre had to let the sheep go.

In the weeks that followed, the sheep appeared regularly, but every

time Pierre tried to get romantic with her, the dog materialized and

attacked him viciously.

Weeks and months went by and Pierre grew hornier and hornier, until his

salvation appeared: a lovely young woman washed up on the shore. She

was half drowned, but Pierre was able to resuscitate her, and when she

came to, she was grateful beyond words.

"You saved my life," she sobbed. "I would have drowned. How may I repay

you? I'll do anything, just name it...Anything!"

"Okay," commanded Pierre. "Hold that dog."

The Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took

one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes", she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or

dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right", said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes", the woman said, "You're checking for any lumps or breast

cancer."

"Correct", replied the shady doctor. Finally, he jumped on his patient

and started having sex with her.

He asked, "Do you know what Im doing now?"

"Yes", she said, "You're getting herpes; because that's why I came here

in the first place."

mmmmm, Paté !!!!

Read it and weep, this is true!

The following was seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V.

Channel; The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's

name forward for a surprise game-show - she idolised teenage pop star

"Ricky Martin" - and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed

throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin

hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom, all set to give the

daughter a wonderful surprise.

However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty,

the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the

fridge and removed a tin of pate. At this stage the live TV audience is

wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back upstairs to her

bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate

all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still

hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl

stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then

calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles

down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage

the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarassed set

of parents in front of a live studio audience! Consequently, sales of

tinned pate have rocketed.

Cider

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and

cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a

thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the

child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.

The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,

"What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in

her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

The Different types of Penis

The Excedrin Penis - it's ttthhhiiisss big

The Snickers Penis - It satisfies your craving

The Magnovox Penis - Smart.Very smart.

The Life-Call Penis - It's fallen and it can't get up.

The American Express Penis - Don't leave home without it.

The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis - How many licks DOES it take...?

The M&M Penis - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

The Lucky Charms Penis - They are magically delicious.

The Energizer Penis - It keeps going and going.

The Right Guard Penis - Anything less is uncivilised.

The Campbell's Soup Penis - Mmmm mmmm good

The McDonald's Penis - Over 8 billion served.

The Tombstone Penis - What would you like on yours?

The Ragu Penis - Comes out chunkier than the rest.

The Cobain Penis - It blows itself away.

The All-State Penis - You're in good hands.

The 7-Up Penis - The un-penis.

The Bud Lite Penis - Great taste, less filling.

The Barq's Penis - The one with bite.

The Beef Penis - It's what's for dinner.

The Transformer Penis - It's more than meets the eye.

The Twizzler Penis - It makes mouths happy.

The Sega Penis - PENIS!

The Starburst Penis - The juice is loose.

The Timex Penis - Takes a lickin and keeps on...

The Burger King Penis - It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

The Flintstones' Vitamins Penis - 10 million strong and growing.

The Wendy's Penis - Where's the beef?

The Lay's Penis - Betcha can't eat just one.

The Little Ceasar's Penis - Penis!Penis!

The Mortal Combat Penis - Nothing can prepare you.

The Bounty Penis - The quicker picker-upper.

The Street Fighter II Penis - Matt, stop, you are too good at this.

The Domino's Pizza Penis - Delivers in 30 minutes or less.

The Rice Krispies Penis - What does your penis say to you?

The Extra Penis - Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.

The Charmin Penis - Don't squeeze the penis!

The Beatles Penis - Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.

The Oasis Penis - Thinks it is the Beatles penis.

The Windows '95 Penis - If you ask it to do too much, it will crash.

The Virginia Slims Penis - You've come a long way, baby.

The Secret Penis - Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.

The Micro Machines Penis - A whole world, in the palm of your hand.

The Sanka Penis - Good to the last drop.

The Payday Penis - It's almost totally nuts!

The Yellow Pages Penis - Let your fingers do the walking.

The Reese's Penis - How do you eat your penis?

The Beavis Penis - Look!It's changing colours!

The Sustecal Penis - More protein, less fat.

The Just For Men Penis - A sure thing for a natural look.

The Milk Penis - It does a body good.

The Taco Bell Penis - It runs for the border.

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis - It's the adult thing to do.

The AOL Penis - It's so easy to use, no wonder it is #1.

The Pontiac Penis - Built for kicks, built for keeps!

The Psychic Penis - It knows you are coming before you do.

The Pinocchio Penis - The longer you lie, the more it grows.

The AMTRAK Penis - All Aboard

The Wendy's Penis - Hot and juicy

The Visa Penis - It's everywhere you wanna be

The Baskins-Robbins Penis - 31 flavours.

The Molson Penis - An honest penis makes its own friends.

The Vampire Lestat Penis - Drink from me and live forever.

The Highlander Penis - There can be only one.

What Semen Tastes Of...

This apparently happened at Harvard University in October of last year.

In a biology class, the Prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the Prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof.'s reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

The Phone Call

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"

..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..

He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says "HELLO, MOM"????

A Very Funny Radio Competition

This story occurred on Auckland radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock thismorning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

he Danger of the Minge

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"

Sex for Lent

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

husband: "Guess who?"

wife: "I know who it is!"

husband:"Guess what I want?"

wife: "I know what you want!"

husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

The Seven Dwarfs and The Pope

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him,ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies,"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey ****ed a penguin, Dopey ****ed a penguin!"

Husband Wife comunications

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there,

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,

And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to **** the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. On TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were ****ing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Very Rude Jokes

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." <<...

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What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

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Why do hippos do their romancing underwater? You know how hard it is to keep a five-hundred pound ***** wet? <<...

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A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

Gynecologists and Mechanics

A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."

Hookers Honeymoon

After working for so many years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverts over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only be happy by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and so they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "I haven't but if it's anything like I've had with a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!

A Recipe for Love

RECIPE FOR LOVE:

2x Laughing eyes

2x Well shaped legs

2x Loving arms

2x Firm milk containers

2x Nuts

1x Fur lined mixing bowl

1x firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes

2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms

3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.

(For best results, continue to knead milk containers). 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A hysterical problem page letter.

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

Naive Nun

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, to do whatever he told her to do, and to pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the son of rajab keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued: "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Potential reality

A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality". The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for £1 million." The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would." The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister. He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!" The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me." The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on £2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"

Come this way.

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."

Peanut in the Ear.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

Short Changed Taxi Driver

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to Miss?" he stammered.

"Kings Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"

"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Spring DUCK?

A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's 20 dollars. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her.

So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.

After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," the German replies. "Foursprung Duck Technique".

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Intimate Embarrassments

It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate...But sometimes sex is just an embarrassing ****-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell all about their Sexual Blunders:

'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'

-Maureen, manager, 25

'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere - would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.

-Anna, journalist, 28

'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open- minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.

-Jane, estate agent, 25

'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had ****tails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'

-Elana, publisher, 32

'I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'

-Nomsa, record company executive, 25

'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother- in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.

-Trina, pharmacist, 27

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he was giving his preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third row leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son, Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he make so much of it?"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Kids's Quotes

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 1

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7