A joke for the day

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Kid's Proverbs

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Smell funny in the morning.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.

Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the .........................Bug is close

It's always darkest before...... Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of........Termites

You can lead a horse to water but........how?

Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty

No news is................................impossible

A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new......math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning

Love all, trust.............................me

The pen is mightier than the........cops

An idle mind is..................The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.......pollution

Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents

A penny saved is....................... not much

Two's company, three's..............the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose

None are so blind as.................Helen Keller

Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries

You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way

[GTRSRULE!!!]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

[GTRSRULE!!!]

The Top 5 Things to Expect

During a Second Bush Term

Vice President Cheney hardly makes the effort to not move his lips anymore.

"Hey, I just remembered a mistake I made!"

Still buzzing from his aircraft carrier appearance, the president decides to dress up like a fireman and ride in a real firetruck.

Bruce Springsteen receives his draft notice.

and the Number 1 Thing to Expect During a Second Bush Term...

Continual sighs of despair centered in major cities accelerate global warming.

[performance-wise]

I read through this thread and I dont think this one has been posted, but it is from another thread(respect to the original poster). I thought it was pretty good!!!

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day.

The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut . "Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

I read through this thread and I dont think this one has been posted, but it is from another thread(respect to the original poster). I thought it was pretty good!!!

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.  

Night falls.  

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.  

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.  

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.  

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.  

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".  

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day.  

The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut . "Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.  

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:  

"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

nice 1 m8!!!

[GTRSRULE!!!]

TWO BLONDES AND A BRUNETTEThere are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

THE BLONDE AND THE SPORTS CARA Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."

"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his member out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

THE BLONDE, THE BRUNETTE, THE REDHEADA blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender: "What is a B and C?"

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

ANY LAST REQUESTSThree women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

SPECIAL BLONDE DIETA blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

PROOF AT LAST

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.

This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

THE NATIONAL TRANSPORT SAFETY BOARD

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit".

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDIIf you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

GENERALLY RUDE THINGS TO SAYAny similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

YO MOMMA'S SO FAT

Yo momma's so fat,

she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat,

when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat,

the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat,

when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat,

when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat,

when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat,

at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat,

when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat,

she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat,

she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat,

Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat,

she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat,

that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

Yo momma's so fat,

I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama' so fat,

she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat,

they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat,

she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat,

the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat,

her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat,

all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"

Yo momma's so fat,

when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat,

instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Yo momma's so fat,

when I said I wanted "cops in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat,

when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat,

she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat,

she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat,

a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat,

her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat,

her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

YO MOMMA'S SO STUPIDYo momma's so stupid,

she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.

[/size]Yo momma's so stupid,

she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo momma's so stupid,

she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma's so stupid,

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she bought a solar powered flashlight.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she sold the car for gas money.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she thought asphalt was a skin disease.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.

Yo momma's so stupid,

when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo momma's so stupid,

when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she got fired from a blow-job.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she asked you what the number for 911 was.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dogg's holiday album.

Yo momma's so stupid,

she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

YO MOMMA'S SO UGLYYo momma's so ugly,

when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma's so ugly,

she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma's so ugly,

just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo momma's so ugly,

they push her face into dough to make cookies.

Yo momma's so ugly,

they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo momma's so ugly,

they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars.

Yo momma's so ugly,

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo momma's so ugly,

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo momma's so ugly,

her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo momma's so ugly,

her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo momma's so ugly,

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo momma's so ugly,

they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo momma's so ugly,

she made an onion cry.

Yo momma's so ugly,

when she went to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo momma's so ugly,

when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out!

Yo momma's so ugly,

even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly,

on Halloween the kids trick or treat her by phone!

Yo momma's so ugly,

she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo momma's so ugly,

people go as her to Halloween parties.

Yo momma's so ugly,

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo momma's so ugly,

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A Few Words From Tech Support

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.

7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack.

44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.

50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.

53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.

55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.

58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.

62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.

63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Top Ten Signs Disney Is Out of Control

10. Disney employees must have finger amputated so Mickey doesn't feel like outcast

9. They refuse to let Huey, Dewey and Louie see their Cuban father

8. If you listen carefully to Donald Duck, you can make out long strings of profanity-laced ethnic slurs

7. Pokemon characters keep turning up face down in the Hudson

6. The last time I said something bad about Disney, my heart exploded

5. Euro-Disney troops have overrun Poland and the low countries

4. Daytime pass for a child under 12 is now $78,500

3. In a nightclub altercation, Mickey's thugs shot Stuart Little

2. Tinkerbell? Implants 1. Bill Clinton has been acting awfully animatronic lately

Top Ten Shows on The Playboy Channal

10.Malcolm In The Middle. . . And On Top. . . And On the Bottom . . . And From Behind. . .

9. Dr. Quinn: Sex Surrogate

8. Sit & Spin City

7. Who Wants To Wear The Gag Ball?

6. Date Rape Line NBC

5. Sabrina the Teenage Dominatrix

4. Whose G-String Is It Anyway?

3. Touched By An Anus

2. Street Walker: Texas Ranger 1. Will IN Grace

Top 16 Things NOT To Say To A Cop

16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

15. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

14. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's lightstand.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?

10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

9. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

8. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

7. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

6. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

3. Bad cop! No donut!

2. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Top Ten Things that sound dirty in law, but aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off?

Top Ten Things that sound dirty in law, but aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off?

Top 11 Things You Will Never Hear At The Playboy Mansion

11. My turn-offs include pipe smoking, silk pajamas and men who treat women as sex objects.

10. Please don't put your drink on top of that. . . IT'S A $3,000 BIBLE!

9. Why, Rex Reed. . . I haven't seen you in ages!

8. Checkmate!

7. I'm here to meet the writers of those great articles.

6. Hurry up ladies. . . we're going to be late for mass!

5. Sorry miss, but all of our Playmates have to be Mensa members.

4. Gather around everyone. We're all going to sing "Kumbaya".

3. Honey I'm sorry, but you're breasts are just way too big.

2. What's airbrushing?

1. Two women at the same time? Count me out.

Top 25 Condom Ad Slogans

25. Cover your stump before you hump.

24. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

23. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

22. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

21. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

20. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

19. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

18. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

17. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

16. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

15. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

14. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

12. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

11. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

10. Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.

9. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

8. The right selection, is to protect your erection.

7. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

6. A crank with armor, will never harm her.

5. If you really love her, wear a cover.

4. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

3. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

2. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

1. No glove, No love.

Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names

10. Ginger Vitis

9. Stripper Gore

8 Mrs. Charlie Sheen

7. Stanley Cups

6. Lois the Letterman Look-a-like

5. H. Rose Perot

4. Sue Dafed

3. Yogi Bare-Ass

2. Nude Gingrich

1 Tammy Lasorda

Top Ten Complaints Beautiful Women Have About Men

10. "When they run out of snacks and start eating your birth control pills."

(Lauren Hutton)

9. "Half a can of Bud Light and they're calling you 'Mommy'."

(Samantha Mathis)

8 "When I come home early and catch him wearing my Wonderbra."

(Elizabeth Berkley)

7. "All that testosterone makes 'em jump around like hyperactive chimps."

(Isabella Rossellini)

6. "Thanks to that Demi Moore-Robert Redford movie, every dweeb with a million dollars keeps following me around with his checkbook."

Linda Evangelista)

5. "They want to talk and talk, and all we really want to do is have sex."

(Yasmine Bleeth)

4. "Sometimes big feet just means big feet."

(Frederique)

3. "They keep using lame pick-up lines like, 'C'mon let's do it right here on the Oval Office desk!"

(Tyra Banks)

2. "We have boobs; they are boobs."

(Rosie Perez)

1 "I can't stand it when all you guys grab my ass!"

(Howard Stern)

[Kero]

Today's survival tip -

Next time you are too drunk to drive,

Walk to the nearest Pizza Hut,

Place an order, and when they go to deliver it, Catch a ride home!

[Kero]

...Five days after election day, the 2004 presidential election was still too close to call...

Neither Bush nor Kerry had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the manly way to settle things.

The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. The contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Alaska. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Bush returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day, or something, and hopefully he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and Bush comes in again with none. That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with Bush and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-bitch.

I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night, after Kerry comes back with 50 fish, Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it -- is Kerry cheatin?'"

"He sure the hell is," Bush says. "The son-of-a-bitch is cuttin' holes in the ice!"

[Kero]

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[Kero]

Fire Hazard

[Kero]

Give me Strength

[GTRSRULE!!!]

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

THE CHARM OFFENSIVE

This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

Why did God invent lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed.

Advice From A Caring Husband

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

HOT SISTER

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Years Of Training

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ￡1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

FIVE STAGES OF A HANGOVER

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a

steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke

--- yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of

alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

How To Win Prizes!

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.

COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.

The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.

COST $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.

So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

MEN/WOMEN SHOWER HABITS

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A KISS AND A SLAP

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

A Midnight Snack Surprise

A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Finding The Perfect Lover

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Larfs...

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

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One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit . Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "elephant elephant. why do you do drugs? come run with us instead and get fit ." so the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "no!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "****ing rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills."

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2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

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This one is appparently a true story...

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said **** you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!

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A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the son of rajab. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,said the bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I'm the hippie!! The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!

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