A joke for the day

[Hiroshima Screamer]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her nonna (Grandmother)said:

"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is Going to

try and

kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is

going

to try and feel you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do

that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have

his way

with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It

will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted

"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just

turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

.....................Nonna fainted!!

[Hiroshima Screamer]

What we learn from pornos

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream

with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy ****s.

People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in

the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his

half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.

If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't

disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the

boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your

**** in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a

woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients ****s.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll

only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's ****, it's important for him to remind

her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all

parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and

find a **** there.

Men don't have to beg.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Funny Quotes

1. "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

2. "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield

3. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

Steve Martin.

4. "My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

Emo Philips.

5. "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."

Mae West.

6. "What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap."

James Agate

7. "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."

Elton John.

8. "My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."

Les Dawson

9. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

Woody Allen

10. "A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."

Phyllis Diller

Funny Quotes

11. "The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."

Will Cuppy

12. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."

Woody Allen

13. "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."

Joan Rivers

14. "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

Marylyn Munroe.

15. "Oh son of rajab give me chastity, but do not give it yet."

St Augustine

16. "The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."

Honore de Balzac

17. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Woody Allen

18. "Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."

Bob Hope

19. "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."

Bernard Manning.

20. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

Joan Rivers

Funny Quotes

21. "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

Groucho Marx

22. "She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."

James Thurber

23. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

Emo Philips.

24. "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."

Winston Churchill

25. "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."

Somerset Maugham

26. "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."

Mignon McLaughlin

27. "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

Woody Allen.

28. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

Matt Groening.

29. "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."

Woody Allen

30. "Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."

Joan Rivers.

Funny Quotes

31. "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

PJ O'Rourke

32. "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."

Ken Hammond.

33. "Sex is God's joke on human beings."

Bette Davis

34. "Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."

Taki.

35. "There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

George Burns

36. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Emo Philips.

37. "I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."

Dudley Moore

38. "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."

Woody Allen.

39. "Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."

David Cronenberg

40. "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

Steve Martin.

Funny Quotes

41. "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

Brendan Francis.

42. "My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."

Ruby Wax

43. "I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."

Joan Rivers

44. "Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."

Andy Gibb

45. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."

Edgar Wallace.

46. "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

Emo Philips.

47. "I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."

George Burns

48. "I know nothing about sex because I was always married."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

49. "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."

Milton Berle

50. "I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."

Frank Carson

[GTRSRULE!!!]

[EZYTGR]

Quick and Simple with profuse appologies:

Why does the woman get PMS ???

She F***en deserves it!!!

[Kero]

Explain this to your insurance co.

[Kero]

continued

[Kero]

Oldie....

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

Dog

[blackrb20silvia]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[Kero]

Headline News, BUSH IS DEAD. Breaking News courtesy of CNN

[Sl!m]

Casey And Anthony Celebrating The Idol Finale!

[Koukla]

Casey And Anthony Celebrating The Idol Finale!

OMG

[TEAMSHADOW]

ROFL, nice one:thumbsup:

[shaolin]

Casey And Anthony Celebrating The Idol Finale!

and you wish you were on bottom don't you....

[TEAMSHADOW]

roflmao!!!

good god, this is sick!

[Kero]

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a

bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,

Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only."

[Kero]

Why men don't design Christmas wrapping paper

[Kero]

City Rail Game

[Kero]

This is what you call big!

[Birnie]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along and hear a strange noise in the distance.

Tonto jumps of his horse and put his ear to the ground.......

Gets up and exclaims proudly "Buffalo come"

"How did you know that?" says the Lone Ranger

"Face sticky"