A joke for the day

[GTRSRULE!!!]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, £200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 50 pence a pound.

Scripture

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." The cop turned to the burglar and asked, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."

Two leprechauns have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprechaun!"

The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?"

"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?"

"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"

"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you ****ed a penguin!"

Two Indians and a Irish Man were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irish Man was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irish Man wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Bi Jesus ! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read:

"NAKED IRISH MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

Boy

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."

So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.

His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their little pu55y cat, kicking the cat in the process.

The boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms, and I didn’t even know she had a willy!!

Twins

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Dorm

A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

French

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Condom

One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.

She noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."

Mortuary

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will Stuff Your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madam across the street had her girls respond with a banner: "Our Stuff will Stiff Your Staff."

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Porsche into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Porsche think of everything!"

Tourist

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The Immigration officer looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week" into the small space labeled "SEX".

The officer explained: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Does it matter?" the tourist answered.

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

Shirt

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.

Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel.

So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

Fed Ex

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. "Tell me," the owner asked, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

Knock Knock Who's there ! Acid ! Acid who ? Acid down and be quiet !

Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby Owl ! Baby Owl who ? Baby Owl see you later, maybe I won't !

Fart

Once there was were three guys that were standing at the top of a bilding. One had a knife, another had a brick, and the last one had a bomb. The first one dropped the knive off the building and then he went down and saw a little kid that was crying. He asked him why he was crying and the little boy said, "Somebody dropped a knife off the building and hurt my dog."

The next guy dropped the brick off the building then went down and saw a little girl crying. He asked the little girl why she was crying and she said, "Somebody dropped a brick and hurt my mom!"

The last guy dropped the bomb and then went down and saw an old lady laghing. He asked her why she was laghing and she said, "I farted and the house blew up!"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Bloodtest

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

Lobby

A man ran into a lady by the lobby and said, "If your heart is as soft as your boobs you will forgive me" and she replied saying, "if your d1ck is a hard as your elbow I am in Room 112".

Q. Why is a blondes favorite car a BMW?

A. Because she can spell it!

Three business men, English, French and Italian sitting in a quaint café in Europe discussing their sexual prowess.

The French man said: Non monsieur’s it is we French that make the best lovers. When I make love to my wife I kiss her body all over and she floats gently like a butterfly 6 inches above the satin sheets.

Not to be outdone the Italian said:

Nessuno signore it is we Italians who make the best lovers. When I make love to my wife I delicately sprinkle fresh rose petals over her naked body and she floats gently like a humming bird 12inches above the silk sheets.

The English man had listened patiently.

Look lads, nice try but it is us British that make the best lovers. When I make love to my wife after we have finished and lay there exhausted I wipe my **** on the sheets and she hits the f***ing ceiling!!!

Redneck

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Princess Diana , Freddie Mercury and Versace are all waiting at the pearly gates for Saint Peter.

Saint Peter arrives and informs them that heaven is quite full and as they never led completely innocent lives down on earth he would only be able to make space for one of them, and they should give reason as to why it should be them.

Freddie Mercury stepped forward to put his case:

Freddie: ”Down on earth Peter I wrote some lovely songs, I could write more whilst I’m here, serenade the angels and make heaven a more harmonious place.”

Peter: “Thank you Freddie, you put your case well.”

Versace stepped forward:

Versace: “ Peter, down on earth I designed some fantastic fashions, worn by royalty, pop stars, movie stars etc….. Whilst I am in heaven I could design a fantastic new wardrobe for the Angels and even knock up a new suit for you Peter.”

Peter: “Mr. Versace, as with Mr. Mercury you have argued your case well.”

Finally Princess Diana stepped forward:

Diana: “Does one have a glass of mineral water?” she asked Peter.

Peter: “ Yes here you go” and he handed Diana a glass of the purest water.

Diana took the glass, pulled up her dress and inserted the glass into her fanny, sucked up all the water and sprayed it all over Peters face.

Peter: “You are in Diana, get your bags.”

Freddie / Versace: “But that is not fair, we put a much stronger case.”

Peter: “**** off you 2, you know the rules. A Royal Flush beats a pair of Queens any day”!!!!!

Restaurant

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.

Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Saddle

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

Angry

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Skirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Ice Fishing

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

Magic Mirror

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

"I think--"

"POOF!

Astro Girl

Nasa is looking for a new way to boost it's ratings. So they decide to send an ordinary woman into space. They place an add and are soon faced with three interviews. The first is a lovely looking woman with neat brown hair. They have only one question to ask which is: "If you could go to any planet, where would you go?"

After a moment of thought the woman replies;"I would go to Mars."

"And why would you like to go there?"

"I find it very interesting and would like to see if there really is life there."

The Nasa men are most impressed with this and promise to call her back and let her know their results.

The next woman is a redhead with a very nice suit on. They ask her the same question to which she replies; "I would like to go to Saturn, so that I could see for myself what the rings look like."

The Nasa guys are happy with this answer and promise to call her back.

The next is a blonde woman wearing a very short skirt and VERY revealing top. They ask her the same question and she gives it a lot of thought and replies; "I would like to go to the sun."

"But don't you know you would burn to death if you went to the sun?"

"Oh don't be silly, I'd go at night."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Confucius Says1. Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.

2. Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

3. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

4. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

5. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

6. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

7. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

8. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

9. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

10. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

11. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

12. Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

13. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp ****.

14. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet *****.

15. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

16. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

17. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

18. Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

19. Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

20. He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

21. Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

22. Man with hole in pocket feel ****y all day long.

23. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

24. Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

25. Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

26. Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

27. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

28. He who run behind bus get exhausted.

29. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

30. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

31. He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

32. Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.

Phone Trouble

Question:

Why cant a blonde dial 911?

Answer:

She can't find the eleven!

Blonde Horse Ride

This blonde had a near death experience the other day.

She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.

She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.

She started screaming, and was in great pain.

Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.

17 days

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

Thermos

A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.

She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'

The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'

The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

So the blonde buys one. The next day she brings the thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, 'What is the shiny object?'

'It's a thermos.'

'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?'

The blonde replies, 'Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.'

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Eye Examination

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

The Body Builder

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "In Seth Efrikaour glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass in the air,pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "Wullmate, in NiwZullandwe have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He says "In Australia we have so many fu**ing South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice"

Reception

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

[Kero]

An Aboriginal found himself in a brothel in Kings Cross and decided to approach a prostitute. He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"

"$100," She replied.

"Do you do Aboriginal style?"

Not knowing exactly what this was she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Aboriginal style".

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down the final offer, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me! What do you say?"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdo's from all over the world. How bad could Aboriginal style be?"

After several intense hours of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said. "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the Aboriginal style' come in?"

The Aboriginal opened a can of beer and replied. "I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get my Social Security.

[Kero]

Crazy Car Pics...

[Kero]

Crazy Car Pics...

[Kero]

Crazy Car Pics...

[Kero]

Crazy Car Pics...

[GTRSRULE!!!]

random funnies caution may offend some

[GTRSRULE!!!]

random funnies caution may offend some

[GTRSRULE!!!]

random funnies caution may offend some

[Kero]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Very good, said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!

"Very Good," said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?

"Yes it's because your blond!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[Kero]

New paint job

[GTRSRULE!!!]

i swear i posted that joke already didnt i?

[Kero]

i swear i posted that joke already didnt i?

Probably... its funnier the second time

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Probably... its funnier the second time

sure is

[GTRSRULE!!!]

WARNING MAY OFFEND SOME

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS

BLONDE PRINTING WORD DOCUMENT

[Kero]

Another Tsunami Photo