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Kids' Advice to Kids

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14

Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Gourmet Bargains (True)

I was browsing for Japanese kanji symbols, and the site I went to was sponsored by those ads that try to take advantage of what they think you might also be interested in; one ad by eBay said:

"Japanese Sushi Sale, New and used Japanese Sushi. Check out the deals now! eBay.com" I'll pass.

A joke told to me by one of the staff at church on Sunday:

The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.

For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was horrified! Then came the children's lesson.

For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against the table as the children gathered around him. The congregation were totally beside themselves!

He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"

There was total silence.

He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"

Total silence. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, Sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

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Why don't witches wear panties?

Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip on the broom.

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Hole in One

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !" They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ." The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your p*nis and enlarge it."

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A little boy wrote to Santa ...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

The First Lady's patriotic duties

What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?

They both go down in the name of the president.

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Mmm...Smells Good

What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They can smell it but they cant eat it!!

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