A joke for the day

[Kero]

New keyboard for blokes! this is gold!!!

[Kero]

Poly unsaturated

[Sheriff Wan]

Here's one for the crowds...

A Policeman walks into a bar....

OUCH!!!!

HIOOOOOOOO

[Kero]

Wendy.... (open the images in order to read the story)..

[Kero]

New FDA Approved medication

[Downforce]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.

She browses around, then spots the

perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather

upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around

nervously to see if anyone has noticed

her little accident and hopes a sales

person doesn't pop up right now. As she

turns back, there standing next to her is

a salesman.

"How are you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what

is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just

touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when

you hear the price."

[Beer Baron]

here's a good one:

http://www.skylinesaustralia.com/forums/sh...627#post1204627

[Kero]

Steak and BJ Day - March 20th 2005

You know the drill.

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

Here are some handy links

http://www.blowbib.com/

http://www.cafeshops.com/steakandbjday

http://www.tombirdsey.com/TomBirdsey/SteakandBJDay.htm

http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/BlowJob101.html

[Kero]

Valentines Angel for you!

[Sl!m]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks " Excuthe me.

Do you have any widdle wabbits ? "

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's

on her level, and he asks " Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft

and

futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over

there ?

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and whispers .....................

" I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk !

[Kero]

Bar Stools

[Kero]

It was only a matter of when! Very bad Camilla Jokes!!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,

"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

THE PRINCE AND THE GENIE

The Prince was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidently ran over her most favourite corgi dog. The poor unfortunate dog was crushed to a pulp!

The Prince got out of his car sat down on the grass and started crying.

The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be mad at him as well.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a genie appeared.

"You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie.

"For freeing me I grant you one wish".

"Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that I need, but let me show you this dog".

They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life", asked the Prince.

The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head.

"This body is far to gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't there anything else you would like"?

The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his pockets and took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman

called Diana", said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph. "But now I love this woman called Camilla".

He showed the genie the second photograph. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"?

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said:

"Let's have a look at that dog again".

[Kero]

Just do it

[madmurf]

:Bang: :Bang: :Bang: :Bang: :Bang: :Bang:

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A Sweet Ass Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Sittin' at home last Sunday mornin' me mate Boomerrang Said he was havin' a few people around for a barbie, Said he might Kookaburra or two.

I said, "Sounds great, will Wallaby there?"

He said "Yeah and Vegemite come too".

So I said to the wife "Do you wanna Goanna?". She said "I'll go if Dingos".

So I said "Wattle we do about Nulla?"

He said "Nullabors me to tears, leave him at home."

Boomerang (Aboriginal weapon) (Barbie - Australian slang for barbeque) (Kookaburra - Australian bird) (Wallaby - Australian animal) (Vegemite - Australian food product) (Goanna - Australian lizard) (Dingo - Australian wild dog) (Nullabour - Highway through the outback of Australia)

We got to the party about two and walked straight out the kitchen to put some booze in the fridge. And you wouldn't believe it, there's Boomer's wife Warra sittin there tryin to Platypus!

Now, I don't like to speak Illawarra, but I was shocked, I mean how much can a Koala bear.

So I grabbed a beer, flashed me Wangarratta and went out and joined the party.

(Booze - slang for alcohol) (Platypus - Australian sea animal) (Illawarra - A region in southern Australia) (Wangaratta - Australian town)

Pretty soon Ayers Rocks in and things really started jumpin'. This Indian girl, Marsu, turns up, dying to go to the toilet but she couldn't find it. I said to me mate Al, "Hey, where can Marsupial?" He said "She can go outback with the fellas, she's probably seen a c o c katoo".

(Ayres Rock - that big rock in the middle of Australia) (Marsupial - Australian animal) (c o c katoo - Australian bird)

Well just then Warra comes out of the kitchen with a few drinks for everybody. Fairdinkum, you've never seen a Coolabah maid. I grabbed a beer and said, "Thanks Warra - tah".

(Coolabah - Australian tree) (Warratah - Australian flower)

A couple of Queensland at the party, one smellin' pretty strongly of aftershave. One of 'em sat down next to me and I turned to him and I said, "Ya know mate, Eureka Stockade!"

(Queensland - Australian State) (Eureka Stockade - reference to a gold strike in the 1800's) (Eureka - translating to 'You reek a" - meaning you really stink).

It was a really hot day; Oscar felt like a swim. He said to Ina, "Do you want a have a dip in the Riverina?" She said "I haven't got my Kosiosko".

Well Bo says, "Come in starkers, Wattle they care!" Ina says "What, without so much as a Thredbo?" Ah, Perisher thought! Has Eucumbine in yet?

(Riverina - an area in southern Australia known for fruit orchards) (Kosi - meaning cosi - slang for swimming costume) (Kosiosko - a mountain in the Australian snow fields) (Wattle - Native Australian bush) (Thredbo - Ski Resort in southern Australia) (Perisher - another ski resort near Thredbo) (Eucumbine - a river system in Australia)

Well a few of the blokes decided to play some cricket. Boomer says "Why doesn't Wombat?" "Yeah, and let Tenterfield".

He said I should have a bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I suggested a game of cards. I said to Lyptus "Wanna game of Eucalyptus?" He said "There's no point mate, Darwins everytime."

(Wombat - Australian animal) (Tenterfield - Australian town) (Euca - card game) (Eucalyptus - Australian tree koala's live in) (Darwin - Capital of the Northern Territory - territory of Australia)

Well Bill said he'd like a smoke. Nobody knew where the dope was stashed. I said "I think Merinos." But I was just spinning a bit of a yarn. Barry pulls a joint out of his pocket. Bill says "Great, Barrier Reefer, what is it mate?" "Noosa Heads of course. Me mate Adelaide 'em on me." And it was a great joint too, Blue Mountains away and his Three Sisters.

(Merino - Australian sheep) (Great Barrier Reef - The famous coral reef running down the coast of Queensland) (Adelaide - capital of South Australia) (Noosa Heads - a seaside resort in Queensland) (Blue Mountains - Mountain range outside Sydney) (Three Sisters - Landmark in the Blue Mountains, 3 pinnacle rocks)

Well I thought I'd roll one meself, I said "Chuck us the Tally Hobart". He said "They're out on the Laun, Ceston, can you get em for us?" Burnie says "Its okay mate, she's apples, I'll get em for ya"

(Tally Ho - Cigarette papers) (Hobart - Capital of Tasmania - Australian State) (Launceston - city in Tasmania) (Burnie - city in Tasmania) (Apples - one of the main export products of Tasmania)

Just then Alice Springs into action, starts to pack Billabong. And you wouldn't believe it, the bongs broken. I said "son of rajab Howe!"

"Hay-man" somebody says "Will a Didgeridoo?" I said "Hummmmm mummmm mummmmm mummmmm maybe it'll have ta."

(Alice Springs - City in Northern Territory - near Ayres Rock) (Billabong - water hole in the outback) (son of rajab Howe - Australian owned island off the east coast of Australia) (Hayman - Australian island on the Great Barrier Reef) (Didgerdoo - Aboriginal musical instrument) (Hummmm mummmmmm mummmmmm - sound the didgerdoo makes - long droning sound)

I look in the corner and there's Bass sittin there, not getting into it, not getting out of it, I said "What, is Bass Strait or somthin?" Boomer says "As a matter a fact mate, he's a cop" I said "Ya jokin mate, a cop, I'm getting outta here, lets Goanna." She said "No way, I'm hangin round till Gum leaves. Besides, I dont wanna leave Jacardanda party on his own. Have you seen him? I think he's trying to crack on Toowoomba, he's already tried to Mount Isa And he'll definitely try to lead you Australiana!"

[Kero]

Reasons not to drink, even with friends...

[Kero]

Test driving an HSV

This is what's left of a VY HSV Clubsport at the Watson Holden in Bundoora after a 19 year old test drove it last week. He was driving it back and was going WAY too fast around the corner, he went up the gutter, travelled the 10 metres to the gates, mounted some cars and landed as you see.

[Kero]

Randoms

[Kero]

What your friends???? do to you when you have had too much to drink!

[Kero]

What your friends???? do to you when you have had too much to drink! Part 2