Jump to content
SAU Community

A joke for the day


Tosh
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Job Applicant

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

DeerSir1_2_.doc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aussie Barbecue Season

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to

summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your

memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the

only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is

an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are

put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes

dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along

with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the

man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He

thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with

the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,

sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon

seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing

some women....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cyber Sex Gone Wrong

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: { [logged off]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Guys,

I wouldn't normally send on this sort of scare-mongering but this comes from a very reliable source and warning is genuine.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a train from Punchbowl.

A man of Middle Eastern appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the station and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful, he looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you : Stay away from Punchbowl "

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" he asked him. "No ...", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share




  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • Gosh these bmw's are worse money pits than JDM's! I won't complain about my car anymore 😂
    • I'll just leave this quick tip here after reading your joys of getting the car in the air. It should take no more then 10 minutes to get the car safely up on stands.  So for the front, jack on the tow recovery points (marked in red). Put the jack stands under the lower control arm mounting point (marked in yellow). This photo is of a R34 GTR, however the process is the same. For the rear, jack under the diff (marked in red). Put the jack stands under the rear subframe or where the lower control arm mounting point (marked in yellow). Which point you use will depend on your stand, pick a nice stable point.  You've probably already read this but it's worth repeating. When jacking up the car or using stands, stay away from the chassis rails/pinch welds. Even the factory jack point, stay away from that too unless using a factory jack. I used those jack points for years without issue until I turned into an old man and bought a QuickJack lol. 
    • And this is where the leak is happening: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/7h1vlmg2j5aa7rksvsjc9/IMG_9982.jpeg?rlkey=d3bnpau5f615zmxqmca0llvr7&st=kquvdxvs&dl=0   Apologies but it seems adding an image from a link does not work when the images are in Dropbox. 
    • Here are some pics from the auction: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/gkbfaa7urogzhyzxtdgq4/4cd77e2d-e19f-45fb-80a0-f9a88fd7f51f.jpeg?rlkey=39p7xyvgr33kj0avcjry2v4ap&st=ncxmagj4&dl=0   https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/gkbfaa7urogzhyzxtdgq4/4cd77e2d-e19f-45fb-80a0-f9a88fd7f51f.jpeg?rlkey=39p7xyvgr33kj0avcjry2v4ap&st=ncxmagj4&dl=0
    • Hi all, From the western suburbs here. Just got my 2000 R34 GTT registered today! Got it imported from Japan through a mate who is doing them and managed to find a decent one. This one has only done 110,000 Km and had no body rust etc. so was very happy. I used to own a 25Gt back in 2015 (ate Ramen noodles for years to save up for it), but unfortunately, it got stolen TEN DAYS after I bought it!! Came back from Uni and the car was missing - cops found it in Springvale a month later with a lot of needles  😒 It was too late by then and I had moved on to a different car (300ZX), and after that one got broken into around 2018, I was in a very bad place and decided I would never buy a car again because it was just pointless!!! ~yeah, I have some very bad mojo~ 🥺 But now, with a stable job and a secure garage, I thought I'd get the R34 4D again but not as a daily! I love the R34s but a GTR is still a bit off my pay grade so settled for the GTT instead.    The first step for me is to get this car serviced and have all fluids, belts and spark plugs changed. I might do the brakes at one point too but atm they are fine, the fluids are what I want changed since this car probably sat in a garage for a long time. I'll then get some coilovers since the suspension needs to be changed anyway (the dust cover kit is disintegrating). I'll also upgrade my car alarm to a Viper system and then look at rims and tyres (I'm a sucker for TE37s - might have enough saved in another 3 years for that).   Today: I was planning to do the oil, coolant, air filter and fuel filter change this week. Started on the oil change today and MY GOD what a pain!! I used to think the 300ZX engine bay was cramped - oh I was so wrong! 😂 I've done the usual services on my cars before so it was not like I was going in blind. I looked up all the forum details about what oils to use, what coolant to use, what points to use to jack the car or place stands etc but I did not expect it to be this hard. Long story short - all I managed to do was the oil and filter change. I think I might end up taking it to a mechanic for a coolant change because my SCA stands and trolley jack just can't get far enough underneath to the cross-member and I don't want to be crushed under my favourite car....yet. Side note: In Dandenong, there used to be a shop that lets you hire their hoists - does anyone know if they have those around? I can't seem to find the Dandenong place anymore. I contacted them off FB almost 6 years ago and I'm not in it now. If anyone know of one, that would save me some time going to a mechanic for the basic services. Oil: Dark and gooey but no metal pieces. Oil Filter: Was a b***h to take off but no red flags Air filter: Yucky! Was black (Smells like fuel which makes me think it may have been running rich? - am I way off?)   Concerns: I have but one concern atm and that is that there was a very small amount of oil leaking where the engine and the transmission connect (Automatic). It may be the rear seal? It's not a massive leak and it does not affect the oil pressures or leak oil all along the driveway. It's been falling into the cover this whole time. I've taken the cover off so I can check the garage floor from time to time.  I also have not seen my engine temperature gauge ever sit at cold and slowly move up to the right spot, but that might be because every time I saw the car today, it was running. I'll check that again tomorrow. ATM it just sits right in the middle. I may just be paranoid but I don't want an overheating engine while my gauges say everything is fine. 🙈 Other than that, I'm very happy with the car! Feels like it's about time I went back to spending my weekends driving or cutting my arm on stupid sh*t in the engine bay.   PS: I will post a pic later on because I underestimated soooo badly today and it was dark by the time I finished! PPS: I broke the two damn plastic pins that hold the intake funnel section to the front bar. This is the piece made to bring cold air to the airbox. The connection to the airbox is fone, but the two clips just broke off! Should I be worried? Anyone else done that? 
×
×
  • Create New...