A joke for the day

[Wink]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

=====

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[sh@un]

I'll pay joke 1, but not 2 due to the age of it

[madmurf]

Grandmas - gotta love em!!!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

[Kero]

Police business...

[Kero]

Let's dance...

[Kero]

Lebo Weights Program

[Kero]

Next World Cup 2010 South Africa

(PowerPoint Presentation)

WorldCup2010.zip

[madmurf]

This may be a little to close to the truth for some people

My_Cubicle_0001.zip

[Tommyk]

How come this stopped being stickied ?

[Patto-]

How come this stopped being stickied ?

Nigeria - Pitbulls are for pussies

[Patto-]

A Man Walked Into A Bar.

A man walked into a roadside tavern and as he looked over the crowded

tavern, he saw an empty bar stool next to a good looking, smartly dressed

woman with beautiful red hair.

"Hi there good looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman turned, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen fellow,

I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere; your place, my place, it doesn't

matter.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding?" said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

[madmurf]

>Clever stuff, worth a look

>

>Click on the link below. It's pretty amazing I can tell you !!!!!

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> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-wUgnyGv0

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[madmurf]

very fresh greens

[madmurf]

You may not know that many non-living items are actually Male or Female,

> >>for example:

> >>

> >>1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but

> >>you can see right through them.

> >>

> >>2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a

> >>while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the

> >>right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

> >>pushed.

> >>

> >>3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

> >>

> >>4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you

> >>have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.

> >>

> >>5. Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

> >>

> >>6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.

> >>

> >>7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

> >>

> >>8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

> >>bottom.

> >>

> >>9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000

> >>years, but handy to have around.

> >>

> >>10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male, but

> >>consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and

> >>while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

> >>

> >>

>

[madmurf]

THE HALF WIT

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out

to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the

agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has

been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about

90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own

room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

[madmurf]

Candidate for Man of The Year!

[Sl!m]

Who's up for a few quiet ones after work...

[madmurf]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings

>are the only animals that stutter", she says.

>

>

>A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she

>volunteered.

>

>The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked

>the girl to describe the incident.

>

>"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler

>who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

>over the fence into our yard!

>

>"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

>

>"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,

>Fffff'... and before he could say "f**k," the rottweiler ate him!"

>

[madmurf]

A Giant Woodpecker

[madmurf]

Rectum Stretcher:

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> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 Km's over the

>limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on

>the other side lying in wait.

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> He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

>patronising smirk we all know and love, asked. "What's your hurry?"

>

> To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

>

> "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

>

>

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> "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

>

> The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher! And just what does a

>rectum stretcher do?"

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> "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way

>up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I

>work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

>surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

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> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked.

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> "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.."

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> Traffic ticket .. $95.00

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> Court costs ... $45.00

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> Look on Cop's face ... PRICELESS

>