Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

=====

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Grandmas - gotta love em!!!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

A Man Walked Into A Bar.

A man walked into a roadside tavern and as he looked over the crowded

tavern, he saw an empty bar stool next to a good looking, smartly dressed

woman with beautiful red hair.

"Hi there good looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman turned, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen fellow,

I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere; your place, my place, it doesn't

matter.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding?" said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

You may not know that many non-living items are actually Male or Female,

> >>for example:

> >>

> >>1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but

> >>you can see right through them.

> >>

> >>2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a

> >>while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the

> >>right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

> >>pushed.

> >>

> >>3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

> >>

> >>4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you

> >>have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.

> >>

> >>5. Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

> >>

> >>6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.

> >>

> >>7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

> >>

> >>8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

> >>bottom.

> >>

> >>9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000

> >>years, but handy to have around.

> >>

> >>10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male, but

> >>consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and

> >>while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

> >>

> >>

>

THE HALF WIT

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out

to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the

agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has

been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about

90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own

room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings

>are the only animals that stutter", she says.

>

>

>A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she

>volunteered.

>

>The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked

>the girl to describe the incident.

>

>"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler

>who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

>over the fence into our yard!

>

>"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

>

>"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,

>Fffff'... and before he could say "f**k," the rottweiler ate him!"

> :O

Rectum Stretcher:

>

>

>

> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 Km's over the

>limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on

>the other side lying in wait.

>

>

>

> He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

>patronising smirk we all know and love, asked. "What's your hurry?"

>

> To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

>

> "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

>

>

>

> "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

>

> The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher! And just what does a

>rectum stretcher do?"

>

>

>

> "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way

>up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I

>work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

>surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

>

>

>

> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked.

>

>

>

> "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.."

>

>

>

> Traffic ticket .. $95.00

>

> Court costs ... $45.00

>

> Look on Cop's face ... PRICELESS

>

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • So where is this message group so we can organise another meet? Keen to come along and catchup. Might eventually be in a skyline again next year, but the Mustang will have to do for now. Also need to get the WRX back on the road. Stupid f**king money pit that thing is.
    • Stock equivalent turbo replacement is a bit of a nightmare. The old Hitachi ceramic things were pretty good for their time, but they have primitive, vintage aerodynamics. The only thing they have going for them is a light turbine**, and there are plenty of other light turbine options these days, in both materials and CNC manufacturing methods. So, the old stocker makes absolutely no power at all compared to its physical size and its (not very low) boost threshold and response. ** and the ONLY thing that was good about the ceramic turbine was that it was light. In all other respects it is a nightmare. To get a turbo that is anywhere near equivalent in terms of power capacity (ie, to avoid it being "bigger" and needing tuning/fuelling/etc) you have to physically downsize. And that is not a "stockish" replacement. Doesn't just fit where the old one did. At least a frame size down, probably need a new dump, probably need new inlet and outlet piping made on the compressor side, new hose connections as D said above. I say, if you have to suffer that much work, you might as well do the same work to fit an even bigger (than stock) turbo, have more power (and hence have to do injectors, ECU, etc), and love life, instead of suffering with stock power levels. Or, you get a light highflow from someone like Hypergear. A highflow that has not been pushed too far from stock. There are still modification consequences here though. HG's cores are smaller than the massive Hitachi core, so it is shorter, moves the compressor housing backwards and requires mods to the air side piping. Plus new hoses. Looks stock, mostly fits where the stock one did (with the previous caveats mentioned), makes a bit more power but can be run at stock boost levels and not cause too many ECU problems. But, seriously. It's 2024. Like - 25 years since the R33 came out. It's time to put an ECU in it. I Nistuned my car (on RB20 ECU then later again on the Neo ECU) and it was the single best thing possible for minimal money. Dial out the R&R bullshit, fix up the fuelling and timing to make it more efficient for normal driving (cut fuel consumption by >10%). Nistune is not an option for you unless you change the ECU, so you might as well just do a standalone. it will be worth it. And then you can tune it up to the limits of the injectors and AFM, which is pushing 200rwkW and enjoy some actual squirt, instead of the lazy barge-like motion you get from a stock engine, turbo and management.
    • He can't post pics until he's at 10 post count.
    • Welcome James.....will be interesting to see how much fun there is in the project. .....where's the pics?
×
×
  • Create New...