A joke for the day

[Hail]

That took me like 10mins to read them out aloud.........im not good wid asian language....too woggo...

[Kero]

I forget what i use this finger for???

[Kero]

Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so Peter must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there is some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says: "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen drops her skirt and panties and takes a bottle of Perrier water out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged.

"What is that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly", says St. Peter, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind."

[Kero]

Merlin - The real sign.

[Kero]

How to annoy your co-worker..

Post it notes ..

[Kero]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money: between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[Kero]

Classics..

[Kero]

1. Okay, okay, I take it back. Unf@ck you!

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

8. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 25 years.

9. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

12. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

13. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

14. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.

15. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

16. Earth is full. Go home.

17. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

18. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

19. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

20. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

21. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

[hawks]

number 19

[Kero]

Northern Territory Etiquette

GENERAL RULES

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

[Guest outlawskyline]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “ Eat me”.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Majanal]

An oldie but always a goodie!

[Guest outlawskyline]

THE LOVING HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins

to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003

models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last

year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer

$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him

in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs

to?"

[Guest outlawskyline]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"

says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and

brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable

and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around

Dave,and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the

door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the

stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having

none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him

every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real

bitch tonight, Dave."

[Kero]

Do one brave thing a day...........

[Kero]

Cat in the Hat

[Kero]

Plane Journey

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out ,"business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, i don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[Jimbo2000]

Plane Journey

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out ,"business trip or vacation?"

 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

 

He swallowed hard here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, i don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

:bahaha:

[Kero]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,

'I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away'.

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.

'How can you be so sure', she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!' she cried.

'$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!'

The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!'

[Kero]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered quite violently as before.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.

Again, she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."