A joke for the day

[Kero]

The teacher was explaining human anatomy to sex education class. With her pointer, she pointed to the picture of a woman and explained, "The female has two breasts and one vagina."

She then pointed to the picture of a man and explained, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and blurted out, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

"My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "He has a three inch penis that he pees with, and a seven inch penis that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"

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Little Johnny and Mary were playing doctor on the back porch one day when Mary's mother happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to find Little Johnny eating her out, she exclaimed, "You're gonna get a good lickin' when Daddy gets home!"

Mary replied with a grin on her face, "But, Mommy, that's what Little Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

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Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."

"You're just a kid," replied the barmaid. "Do you wanna get me in trouble?"

"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, gimme that Scotch."

[Kero]

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A blonde walks up to a vending machine and puts in some coins. Sure enough, out pops a can of soda. The blonde is amazed, and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the vending machine full of more coins, and the machine keeps spitting out more cans of soda.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, "Do you mind if I have a go?"

The blonde turns and shouts, "Heck no, can't you see I'm on a winning streak!"

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When the surgeon walked in greet his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly, "How long before I can start having sex again?"

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," admitted the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that question after a tonsillectomy."

[Kero]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He hurried to the ****pit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy fumbled for the radio and started calling the flight control tower, "Help! Help!"

"What's the problem?" replied the flight control tower.

"Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

"How do you know you're upside down?" asked the flight control tower.

"Because I just shit my pants and it's running down my back!"

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A doctor was in a bank preparing to endorse a check, so he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

"Well, er, yes," she admitted.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

"No, not really," she responded.

"Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, as long as you're careful not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "You mean I can get pregnant by having anal sex?"

"Of course," replied the doctor, "where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Kero]

Embarassing Moments

[Kero]

Ripley's believe it or not

[Kero]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the

well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . ! The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[benm]

haha

[martydaman]

lol... thats some funny sh*t right there... good work, was that the same donkey from Shrek??

[Kero]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!!!!"

[Kero]

It's a knockout ...

orang-outangs fight during a boxing show at Safari World animal park in Bangkok. Thailand has banned controversial kickboxing fights between endangered orang-outangs following an international outcry

[Kero]

The Sex Fairy

Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. That's why I didn't want to take any chances with this one!

I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau.

The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.

You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.

This is no joke!

[Kero]

A family in Bend, Oregon found this fawn on their front steps a few weeks ago and took this photo. The white spots on the steps are apple blossom petals.

As you may know, deer hide their fawns and go away for awhile. The fawns have no odor yet, and naturally stay absolutely still.

Isn't this an amazing photograph? A great job of natural camouflage! The fawn ! stayed there all morning, and the mama came to get it after 4-5 hours.

Kudos to the people for leaving the fawn alone, knowing Mom would be back.

THE MOM "HID" HER BABY ON THE BROWN STEPS WITH WHITE SPOTS.

[Kero]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would

let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

yelled one final "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse,

put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback........"

[Moanie]

A family in Bend, Oregon found this fawn on their front steps a few weeks ago and took this photo. The white spots on the steps are apple blossom petals.  

As you may know, deer hide their fawns and go away for awhile. The fawns have no odor yet, and naturally stay absolutely still.  

Isn't this an amazing photograph? A great job of natural camouflage! The fawn ! stayed there all morning, and the mama came to get it after 4-5 hours.  

Kudos to the people for leaving the fawn alone, knowing Mom would be back.  

THE MOM "HID" HER BABY ON THE BROWN STEPS WITH WHITE SPOTS.

Awww!!! how cute!!!

[Kero]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

- Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

- Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

- Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

- George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

- Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

- Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

- Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

- Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money

can buy."

- Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

- Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

- Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

- George Burns

[Kero]

This is called the devil is watching

[Kero]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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[Kero]

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.

One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

[Kero]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's

the god damn, mother f**king Manager you c*ck sucking arse wipe." The

waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could

you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get

the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f**king

manager of this b*stard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager,

"and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such

profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"F**k off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f**king piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"F**king deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling sh*t, show

us your p*ssing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and

shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I f*cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most

inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has

ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my

knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The

bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has

ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in

the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic

ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I f*ck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy

ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the

job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to

any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,

sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his

eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t!ts are almost

falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is

riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs

slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter

is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off

to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away

furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the

piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and

starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to

the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and

dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I f*cking wrote it!"

[Kero]

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and

28 inches from her vagina MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZITS In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE ****TAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York.

It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a ****tail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds