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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Excerpts from Medical Records:

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as

dictated by physicians......

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was

very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a

stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she

got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Smith, who felt we should sit on

the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was

feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had

completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,

with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate

directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane

ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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A.D.I.D.A.S Enthusiast

A.D.I.D.A.S

Posted
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A women goes into the labor delivery room, happy that her hard 9 months is over. After a simple, quick and easy birth, the doctor yells out! "It's a boy!" and procedes to throw the baby over to the nurse. He whips out an old rusty knife and chops the umbilical cord. The Nurse feints left, fients right, all the while holding the baby like it is a football.

"What are you doing! That's my baby! What...NO! Stop! Give me my baby!" The woman screams.

The nurse finally makes her move on the doctor, but he is too quick for her. He slaps the baby out of her hands, and it falls with a sickening crunch on the floor. He picks the baby up, runs across the room, reaches the other side, and yells "TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!"

"MY BABY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! MY BABY NOOOOOOO!!!"

The doctor spikes the young helpess child on the floor directly onto it's head. The baby's brains splatter all over the doctor, the nurse, the mother, all over the room.

"My baby! You killed my baby!"

"APRILS FOOLS BITCH YOUR BABY WAS ALREADY DEAD."

this is my ALL TIME FAVOURITE

Sl!m Grand Master

Sl!m

Posted
Posted

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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