A joke for the day

[Ceffo]

With the way petrol prices are going i think they should change the way prices are displayed.

cef.

[Endorean]

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer

lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities thatrange from

$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie

home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and

model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as

well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it

the next day and get a $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the

balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good son of rajab! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least

iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending.

[Endorean]

Famous Cricketing Sledges

1. Trueman and Aussie batsman. In an England v Australia Test during

early 1960's Trueman was fielding close to the gate from the pavilion.

As a new batsman came out he turned to shut the gate, Trueman said

"Don't bother son, you won't be out there long enough."

2. Rod Marsh and Ian Botham. When Botham took guard in a Ashes match,

Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your

wife and my kids?"

3. Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne. As Cullinan was on his way to the

wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to

humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

4. Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan. Because Cullinan is well known for

being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper Parore greeted the South

African, carefully playing the first ball from kiwi Chris Harris, with a

cry of: "Bowled Warnie!"

5. Glenn McGrath and Eddo Brandes. After Brandes played and missed at a

McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why

are you so fat?" "Cos every time I f*** your wife she gives me a

biscuit," Brandes replied.

6. Robin Smith and Merv Hughes. During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to

Smith after he played and missed: "You can't f***ing bat". Smith to

Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine

pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

7. Merv Hughes and Javed Miandad. During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed

called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed

Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing

batsman.

8. Merv Hughes and Viv Richards. During a test match in the West Indies

Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after

deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.

In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed

him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*** off."

9. Ricky Ponting and Shaun Pollock. After going past the outside edge

with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round and

weighs about five ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was

hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "you know what it looks

like, now go find it."

10. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which

was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called

for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...

"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c***!!!"

12. In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played Hansie

Cronje's province. Cronje was at the non strikers end, there was a short

chubby batsman on strike. Ian Healy yelled to Warne, (I think) "Bowl a

Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped" The Aussies and Cronje

were all in hysterics. the batsman's retort: "Nah, Boonie fielding at

short leg will be onto it before I can move."

[Endorean]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . .

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says " Sign here:" she

wrote

"Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On

Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said

"Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport

Left,"

she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she

moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This

Goes

In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[Endorean]

How to speak the language!

Milburn - capital of Victoria

Peck - to fill a suitcase

Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects

cops - for hanging out washing with

Pump - to act as agent for prostitute

Pug - large animal with a curly tail

Nin tin dough - computer game

Munner stroney - soup

Min - male of the species

Mess Kara - eye makeup

McKennock - person who fixes cars

Mere - Mayor

Leather - foam produced from soap

Lift - departed

Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman

Kittle crusps - potato chips

Ken's - Cairns

Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim

Jungle Bills - Christmas carol

Inner me - enemy

Guess - vapour

Fush - marine creatures

Fitter cheney - type of pasta

Ever cardeau - avocado

Fear hear - blonde

Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen

Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym

Duffy cult - not easy

Amejen - visualise

Day old chuck - very young poultry

Bug hut - popular recording

Bun button - been bitten by insect

Beard - a place to sleep

Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers

Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline

Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests

Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden

One Doze - well known computer program

Brudge - structure spanning a stream

Sex - one less than sivven

Tin - one more than nine

Iggs Ecktly - Precisely

Earplane - large flying machine

Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport

Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft

Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft

Cuds - children

Pits - domestic animals

Cuttin - baby cat

Munce - usually served on toast

[CRU17Y]

How about this one People's

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next

to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The

barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on

your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

[CRU17Y]

True Landline story

An elderly lady with a dog, called Bluey called the phone company to say that

her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on

the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the

phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious

to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby

telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's

house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the

telephone did ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone

repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's

ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving

90 volts of signalling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on

the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the

phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on

them.

[CRU17Y]

[Kero]

A German Couple could not get Pregnant

[Guest barbie iz a bitch]

I found this funny

VENTRILOQUIST

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.... because you and your kind continue perpetuate discrimination against, not only londes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells,  

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking  to that little f*#ker sitting on your knee.

thats not funny

[Guest barbie iz a bitch]

ill go die my hair brown.. then i will think its funny

[chaos]

you would actaully be surprised at the amount of blondes i see laugh at blonde jokes

[Guest barbie iz a bitch]

LOL yeah but your not suppose to tell people that!!!

[red900ss]

Subject: The Lone Ranger

Scenario: The immediate versus the big picture-

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set-up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Tonto replies

"Me see millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute and replies

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies playing host to billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately 3:15 AM. Theologically, it is evident the son of rajab is all powerful and as small insignificant beings, we pale in his presence. Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tomorrow with a light easterly breeze in the morning.

What it tell you Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at Tonto in amazement, then says

"Tonto you f*ckwit.......Someone has stolen our tent."

[Ceffo]

A mother told her daughter: 'If someone sexually harass you by touching your

top part, you must shout 'DON'T!' and if he does it touching your low part

you must shout 'STOP!'' Next day, the daughter came back crying home and

told her mother she was sexually harassed. The mother was so angry and asked

her why? 'What happened my baby?' 'It was terrible mother... sob... I was

in the elevator when he came in... and there were two of us, then he touched

my top so I shouted 'DON'T'' the girl cried out. 'That is good', the mother

commented. 'Then he touch my bottom and I shouted again 'STOP!', the girl

said wiping her tears. 'What happened... then did he try to touch you

again?', the concerned mother asked. 'He then touched my top and bottom at

the same time and I shouted at him 'DON'T STOP!''

[Tosh]

         thats not funny        

as if you didn't have a chuckle!

[Kero]

A message to SAU from the middle east

[krzysiu]

hahahahaha thats a good one

[Hail]

hahahahaha thats a good one

i second that

[Kero]

Learn Basic Chinese in 5 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud)

That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?............ Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP............................... Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fik

Small Horse ............................. Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? ............... Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table .... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah