A joke for the day

[Kero]

Toyota Ad

Toyotaad_brokedown.wmv

[Kero]

MICHELIN MAN DENIES PATERNITY SUIT... .

CLAIMS CHILD IS NOT HIS ....

[Wink]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.

It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must.

He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"

He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f**king-believable!"

--------------------------------------------

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him his only bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

--------------------------------------------

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

--------------------------------------------

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

"Douchebag!" the father yells.

A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.

"Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"

His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

--------------------------------------------

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

[Kero]

Italian TV Hostess...

[Kero]

Awesome hillclimb vid

Audi Le Mans car at a hillclimb type event somewhere

http://ausrotary.everestconsulting.com.au/..._castellana.wmv

[Kero]

The Horse I backed in the Cup

dressage.WMV

[Kero]

Acetylene Incident - Why we don’t store acetylene in a closed up vehicle!

• This is an incident in Newcastle. It happened on Monday the 29th of September. A fitter with a works van left an E size Oxygen and Acetylene cylinder on the back seat of a Toyota dual cab over the weekend. The Acetylene cylinder must not have fully closed and a small leak occurred.
  
• Over the weekend the Acetylene had accumulated in the van. On the Monday morning the fitter approached the van and opened the door, a large explosion took place. We believe the ignition could have been caused by either the internal light, the automatic door control or by a mobile phone which was on the front seat of the van. The fellow was also a smoker. He has damage to his ear drums and facial damage. As you can see by the attached photos he was very lucky.
  
• FLAMMABILITY LIMITS (% by volume in air):  Lower: 2.5  Upper: 100 – an extremely wide range!!!!
  
• Use or store only in a well-ventilated area. ( inside of the truck is not well ventilated)
  
• NFPA RATINGS: Health 1; Flammability 4; Reactivity 3;
  

[Patto-]

Female Drivers

Edited January 16, 2006 by shyster

[Patto-]

more female drivers

[madmurf]

:lol:

Question1.zip

[Kero]

Kayaking can be stressful

[Kero]

Permission Slips

Boys_Night_Out_Permission_Slip.pdf

Girls_Night_Out_Permission_Slip.pdf

[Kero]

For fans of a great band

[madmurf]

WTF

[Wink]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor,

"I've never felt better, I have an 18-year old bride who is

pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a

hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry

and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the

creek, he saw a beaver.

He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang," and the

beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old man said, "I'd say somebody else shot the

beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly"

[Kero]

Only in Vietnam (oldies)

[madmurf]

Mother_in_law.zip

[madmurf]

Media Snippets

[Kero]

The fuel fire in England last month

Note the Lines of Hose around the Round-a bout, along the roads and the Pumping from Dams

Buncefield.zip

[madmurf]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate; the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."