A joke for the day

[Kero]

hahahaha

[Wink]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears: hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf that extends the length of the floor, cuddly, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, huggable bears on the top shelf near the ceiling.

The woman is surprised that any guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive. But, aroused to begin with and now impressed by this evidence of a hidden sensitive side, she turns to him, they kiss, and then they rip each other's clothes off and make steaming love.

Lying there in the afterglow, the woman asks, smiling, "How was it?"

The guy rolls over, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Wink]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.

To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is President Bush's airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?!?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

-----

[madmurf]

Funnies and Illusions

stickmen.zip

OpticalIllusions.zip

[madmurf]

A skinny little Irish guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says in a deep voice: "7 feet tall,  350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right  testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to by shaking him and asks, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What  EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 in! ch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'"

[Kero]

Stars...... Before they were famous.

STARS.pdf

[rb30gtr]

A blind man enters a Bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

The woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight-lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares....

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

[Kero]

2 die in Cyclone Larry

[Sl!m]

So, Where the f**king hell are you's

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RGkNHr17OU

[Wink]

Stuff the cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Who wins - Saddam or Bill?

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Kero]

An ideal world for men

[Kero]

THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice

The weekend now is near

We've worked all bloody week for this

Dear God let's get a beer.

Our desks abound in paperwork

Our hands are stained with ink

In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage

Advance to Friday drinks!!

With joyful strains, destroy our brains

Advance to Friday drinks.

Beneath our radiant locals sign

We toil with glass in hand

To be the one to skull the most

Fall down, or lose your pants.

Tequila shots, we'll take the lot

That guy behind us stinks.

Beer goggles on, it's time to run

Go home from Friday drinks.

Spew rumbo stains and vodka trains

I'm done with Friday drinks!!!

[madmurf]

Subject: Thomas the Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old

son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard

the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that

kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added.........! .

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."

[Kero]

Son to father:“Dad, is a Ferrari a red car with a small horse?”

Father:“That’s right, but why do you ask?”

Son:

“I think there’s one trying to pass us on the right...”

(see PowerPoint Presentation)

ferraris_1_.zip

[Kero]

How cute is she.... belly button Jewellery

[sindows]

Pt 1.

How do you get 50,000 ethopians into a phone booth?

You throw a can of bake beans in there....

Da-dum-ch (just say it if you dont understand)

[sindows]

Pt 2.

How do you get them all out?

Drive past with a can opener!

*cough*

[Wink]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an 'r' after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.

Little Johnny thinks hard, and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an, "r" after the first letter."

"That's right," she coaxed.

Then, after a few seconds, Little Johnny's eyes light up and he asks,

"Is it Mrs. Crunt?"

[(oo\__4Door__/oo)]

How do u know that the ground is level....

Get the nearest s**t on all 4's and if she has cum ozing out of her arse and mouth she is level

sorry its a bit rude but i herd it of the tradie today couldnt help it,

[Kero]

Shopping in foreign countries.....