A joke for the day

[Silver-Arrowz]

What did the cyclone say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts. This is going to be one hell of a blowjob.

[Silver-Arrowz]

Why do you never fall in love with a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

[CroatianDlite]

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a

male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and xplained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

[CroatianDlite]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-Jack Handy

[CroatianDlite]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Colin and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Colin leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

Colin is due to be released from hospital in a few weeks.

[Tosh]

this one Courtesy of Chris (RedX)

"I bought my mum pink fluffy slippers and a dildo for her last birthday.

As I gave her the gifts I said to her, If you don't like the slippers you can go f**k yourself"

[R33vit]

this one Courtesy of Chris (RedX)

"I bought my mum pink fluffy slippers and a dildo for her last birthday.

As I gave her the gifts I said to her, If you don't like the slippers you can go f**k yourself"

Oh dear

[Beer Baron]

Here's a good one:

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:-

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he has collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:-

Dear Becky,

I'm sorry, but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile enclosed, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky.

[Jimbo2000]

good one

[Jimbo2000]

I can't believe I just took a shit in my bathing suit at the beach. What the ****? I cant stand up and take it to the ocean, because I am wading in a puddle of feces at this very moment. Any change in my seating position will send my poo spilling down my legs and into view of every sunbather within 30 feet of me. There is no way I can play this off as a fart.

It doesn't help at all that I've been spun out for 3 days. I can hardly see straight! How am I possibly going to explain this to my wife when she comes back from getting chili dogs to ask me what the **** I just did in the presence of my children? She'll make me drop trau in front of everyone again. There it is. The family on the blanket to the right of me just asked if I could smell "that". I gotta go.

[Beer Baron]

I can't believe I just took a shit in my bathing suit at the beach. What the ****? I cant stand up and take it to the ocean, because I am wading in a puddle of feces at this very moment. Any change in my seating position will send my poo spilling down my legs and into view of every sunbather within 30 feet of me. There is no way I can play this off as a fart.

It doesn't help at all that I've been spun out for 3 days. I can hardly see straight! How am I possibly going to explain this to my wife when she comes back from getting chili dogs to ask me what the **** I just did in the presence of my children? She'll make me drop trau in front of everyone again. There it is. The family on the blanket to the right of me just asked if I could smell "that". I gotta go.

ummmm.... okaaaay... :Oops:

Richard

[Endorean]

This was is really bad, it was told to me over the weekend.

---------------

Q: What do you do after you've just raped a deaf woman

A: Break her fingers so she cant tell her mum.

[Tosh]

wrong Jeremy, very wrong

[Jimbo2000]

removed

[Majanal]

Those are disgusting.

[Tosh]

guys can you remove them please

[Kero]

[Kero]

[Kero]

[R33vit]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently

wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was

becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she

took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man

couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your

nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare

condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've

never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."