A joke for the day

[madmurf]

Sweet Justice

[madmurf]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

>animated conversation.

>

>The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is

>galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

>

>

>"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

>once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee

>twice. Then I come one lasta time."

>

>" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In

>this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex

>lives........"

>

>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa

>tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

>

>

>

>

>I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!!

[madmurf]

>AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

>

>THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

>

>THE OLD FARMER SAID, "OH, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO,

>CHUCKY GOES."

>

>"I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE

>THEATER."

>

>THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS

>OVERALLS.

>

>HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT

>DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

>

>THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER

>UNBUTTONED

>HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

>

>"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

>

>"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

>

>"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

>

>"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

>

>"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

>

>"WELL, DON'T WORRY A BOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN

>'EM

>ALL"

>

>"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

>

>

[madmurf]

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5

inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates

built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the

pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools

that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break

on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the

spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)

for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to

match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were

made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel

spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches

is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war

chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's

ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two

war horses.

Now the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big

booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are

solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their

factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred

to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from

the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens

to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that

tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the

railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's

most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years

ago by the width of a horse's ass......

And you thought, being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

[madmurf]

his one is for all of the men out there.....

Power Point Pres

PlayboyBunnies2006.zip

[Michael_1882]

I don't know if this is funny or just plane scary. I honstly don't have a word for it =/

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/bunny_tapdancer.html

[Kero]

Facts of Life

[Kero]

Stop Staring

[Kero]

Fishing is a contact sport:

This is an actual emergency room photo of a fisherman who lost control of his high-speed bass boat in West Virginia. Wardens believe that he was travelling approximately 75 mph at the time of the accident. He was unable to negotiate a curve in the narrow waterway.

Unfortunately for him, upon striking the shoreline and being ejected from the boat, he landed bottom end first on an old fence

post.

You can probably picture what happened next, but the attached picture really says it all.

The good news is that after about 6 months, this man made a full recovery after suffering a shattered hip, broken leg, several broken ribs, internal injuries and soft tissue damage.

Doctors credited his recovery to the fact that the post lodged itself so tightly that there was little or no blood loss.

Now that's got to hurt!!!

[Wink]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a

rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a

stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets

the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .

Dave: 'Scuse me. ... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering

what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Dave: Oh! What's that then?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: Er . mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

Dave: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a

large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to

assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are

quite probably married?

Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with

your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very

often?

Dave: Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about

your sex life!

Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: What's that then?

Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: Nope.

Dave: Well then, you're a wanker.

[madmurf]

Subject: FW: Guts v Balls

We've all heard about men having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is

listed below.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,

being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts

to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping

your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject

[madmurf]

Leap Frog

Excell

frogleap.zip

[Alien]

this is the world's tallest building

[madmurf]

Subject: Fw: THE EX WIFE

>

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you

for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing

to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me

that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last

week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and

nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after

watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are

moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife Millie

-----------------0----------------

Dear Ex-wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was

"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

Anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

From me.

So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was

Born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed, George

Rich As Hell and Free!

[Wink]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time by now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium ... Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[dongypro]

rof l i love these joke

[Kero]

Fire Warden Training

(PowerPoint Presentation)

DK73Foamtestinhangar.zip

[Kero]

Beating The winter Chill

Careful when opening. May offend most!!

(PowerPoint Presentation)

Beating_the_Winter_Chill_1.zip

[Patto-]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg...

Personally, I think it's prosthetic!

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split, "he has been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get, its not easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement has been signed it is believed that Mills-McCartney wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was to blame. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says she'll buy her own Immac for the other leg!

------------------------------------------------------

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney-

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt

And her leg fell in the river

------------------------------------------------------

A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm f***ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney

------------------------------------------------------

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

A The McCartneys

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

[madmurf]

JOKE OF THE DAY

Hey Guys Adam (Abo Bob) in his own moral wisdom is making up his own rules.

See PM below

This is a PM based on a warning I got for having a picture of some topless women on the beach under the Earth Quake Joke

Check out his reply. Basically if he dosnt like the your post under HIS guide lines not SAU he will enforce his powers to be.

What do you guys reckon.

QUOTE (Madmurf)

Bob (Adam)

I have checked out the guidlines and this only applies to

Signature & Avatar Rules

The earth quake post was some topless women which can seen down at most public beaches these days.

Happy to comply Bob just update your posting guide lines and remove my warning.

Cheers

(Adams Reply)

"No nudity, violence or swear words in Signatures or Avatars - this is a family site."

No matter what heading it comes under the intent is pretty clear.