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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

> >

> >The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7. Why? Do you think

> >

> >they look alike?

> >

> >"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

> >

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

So true...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Little bit of reading but well worth it!!

>

>

>

> A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the kitchen with a

>steaming

>

> cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.

>

> What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of

>those lessons

>

> that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you

>about it.

>

> I turned the volume up on my radio in order to listen to a

>Saturday

>

> morning talk show. I heard an older sounding chap with a

>golden voice. You

>

> know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the

>broadcasting business

>

> himself.

>

> He was talking about "a thousand marbles" to someone named

>"Tom."

>

> I was intrigued and sat down to listen to what he had to say.

>

> "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm

>sure

>

> they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from

>home and your

>

> Family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to

>work sixty or

>

> seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed

>your daughter's

>

> dance recital."

>

> He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that

>has

>

> helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

>

> And that's when he began to explain his theory of "a thousand

>

> marbles"

>

> "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The

>average

>

> person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more

>and some live

>

> less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

>

> "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900

>which is

>

> the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their

>entire

>

> lifetime. Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important

>part."

>

> "It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about

>all this

>

> in any detail," he went on, "and by that time I had lived

>through over

>

> twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I

>lived to be

>

> seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to

>enjoy."

>

> "So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they

>had.

>

> I ended up having to visit three toy stores to roundup 1000

>marbles. I took

>

> them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic

>container right here

>

> in my workshop next to the radio. Every Saturday since then, I

>have taken

>

> one marble out and have thrown it away"

>

> "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more

>on the

>

> really important things in life. There is nothing like

>watching your time

>

> here on this earth run out to help get your priorities

>straight."

>

> "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you

>and

>

> take my lovely wife out for breakfast.

>

> This morning, I took the very last marble out of the

>container. I

>

> figure if I make it until next Saturday then God has blessed

>me with a

>

> little extra time to be with my loved ones.

>

> "It was nice to talk to you Tom, I hope you spend more time

>with your

>

> loved ones, and I hope to meet you again someday. Have a good

>morning!"

>

> You could have heard a pin drop when he finished. Even the

>show's

>

> moderator didn't have anything to say for a few moments.

>

> I guess he gave us all a lot to think about.

>

> I had planned to do some work that morning, and then go to the

>gym.

>

> Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss.

>"C'mon honey, I'm

>

> taking you and the kids to breakfast."

>

> "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing

>special,"

>

> I said. "It has just been a long time since we spent a

>Saturday together

>

> with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're

>out? I need to

>

> buy some marbles."

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

The Middle Wife

>

>By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

>

>I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,

>but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade

>classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So

>I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over

>shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet

>turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

>

>And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they

>want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

>

>Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing

>kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow

>stuffed under her sweater.

>

>She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,

>and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him

>as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach,

>and

>Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

>

>She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not

>to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her

>in amazement.

>

>"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,

>oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked

>around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is

>doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

>

>"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't

>have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down

>in

>bed like this."

>

>Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

>

>"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case

>he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like

>psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are

>miming water flowing away. It was too much!

>

>"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, p ush,' and 'breathe,

>breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all

>of a

>sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said

>it

>was from Mom's play-centre!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside

>there."

>

>Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

>

>

>I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's

>show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica

>comes along.

>

Wink Grand Master

Wink

Posted
Posted

Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks.

Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Mel,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, cops in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

-----

Sinful Grand Master

Sinful

Posted
Posted

Two women walk into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle.

One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it."Thats nice, is it?"Sharon said waving her arm under her friends nose."Yeah, Whats it called?" "Veins a moi" "Veins a moi?Whats that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'Come to me'".

Sharon took another sniff ."That doesnt smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friemd again,"Does that smell like come to you?"......

I thought it was funny.... :D Hope I dont get in trouble for posting it :)

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