A joke for the day

[madmurf]

Story from a Canadian courtroom

>

>If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp

>as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney

>during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's

>credibility. . .

>

>Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

>

>A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description

>of the offender, running several blocks away. "

>

>Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

>

>A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

>

>Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

>Do you trust your fellow officers?"

>

>A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

>

>Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room

>where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

>

>A: "Yes sir, we do."

>

>Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

>

>A: "Yes sir, I do."

>

>Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

>

>A: "Yes sir."

>

>Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your

>life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with

>these same officers?"

>

>A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and

>sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

>

>The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

>

>The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best

>Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[madmurf]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

>back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a

>few people who did...

>

>1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

>asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

>turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say

>a word. He knew better.

>

>2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

>unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several

>minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at

>the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at

him

>and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." !

>

>3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

>variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy

>behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just

>looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy

>grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has

>never let me forget.

>

>4. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

>three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on

>him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between

>errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,

>I smelled something! funny, so

of course I checked my seven-month-old

>daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go

>potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I

>kept thinking, "Oh son of rajab, that child has had an accident, and I don't have

>any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have

>an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an

>accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more

>time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down

>his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST

>FARTS!!"

>

>While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly

>pulled up his pants and sat down.

>

>An old couple made me feel

better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd

>ever had!

>

>5. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

>embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before

>she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true

>story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to

>have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's

>that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the

>set, but half the crew did too!

>

>6. While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out

>peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up

>waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a

>message from the Pilot that the tower said

the wind had changed 180 degrees

>and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.

>Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and

>hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight

>to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses and half of the passengers were

>laughing all the way.

>

>

>

>

>

>The woman with 3 year old daughter in tow enters the Commonwealth Bank and

>joins the inevitable queue. The little girl runs off and grabs withdrawal

>and deposit slips and runs back to her mother, then off again, in and out of

>the queue. Despite her mother calling her with as much decorum as she can

>muster the little girl still runs around. Finally, mother grabs the child

>and tells her to be quiet and stay in

the line. Squirming, the little girl

>says loudly, "If you don't let me go, I'll tell Gran what you did with

>Daddy's pee-pee last night".

>

>Everything stopped in the bank. Tellers froze, conversations ceased. The

>mother took the little girl's hand and, without a word, led her from the

>bank. As the sliding doors closed behind them, the bank erupted in raucous

>laughter.

>

[madmurf]

very fresh greens

[madmurf]

THE HALF WIT

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out

to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the

agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has

been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about

90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own

room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

[madmurf]

Chance

Chance.zip

[madmurf]

For the politically incorrect only.....

In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul Mcartney was

asked if he would ever go down on one knee again.

>

>

>

> > > He said "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather!"

[madmurf]

New Map of Iraq

[madmurf]

Bra Codes

POwer Point Pres

codes.zip

[d00dz]

>A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

>

>She rang the doorbell and walked in.

>

>She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally

>

>naked.

>

>Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

>

>"What are you doing?" she asked.

>

>"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

>

>daughter-in-law answered.

>

>"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

>

>"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

>

>"Love dress? But you're naked!"

>

>"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

>

>"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he

>

>instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't

>

>get enough of me."

>

>The mother-in-law left.

>

>When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

>

>dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting

>

>for her husband to arrive.

>

>Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so

>

>provocatively.

>

>"What are you doing?" he asked.

>

>"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

>

>"Needs ironing," he said.. "What's for dinner?"

[Sl!m]

sik

[Wink]

Q: why do elephants wear condoms on their feet?

A: 'cause everything they step on is f**ked.

[madmurf]

Eye Test

[madmurf]

Bill Boards

[madmurf]

Honest Advertisements

[madmurf]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little

package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Sl!m]

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

[SLO-W32]

[SECURITY]

Finally a male blonde joke

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

the first says, "i tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we dont even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car...... and she doesnt even know how to drive!!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "i have to laugh when i think about it", he chuckles. "last week my wife left on a vacation. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesnt even have a penis!"

[Marsss]

this is freaky..

[Kero]

Pig Hunting, Northern Territory Style