A joke for the day

[Kero]

Car of the Year..

[Kero]

Cowboy

[Patto-]

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an

small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building

after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical

punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes

each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his

naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to

painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the

uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his

two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his

breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number

of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.

The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but

then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish.

"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

[Patto-]

Women who represent your league team

Storm - Delta Goodrem. Tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.

St George - Elle MacPherson. Past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.

Souths - Whitney Houston. Has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.

Roosters - Amelie Mauresmo. Last woman on Earth scenario : you still wouldn't.

Parra - Katie Holmes. Has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

Tigers - Britney Spears. At times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.

Bulldogs- Christina Aguilera. Looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.

Warriors - Paris Hilton. Lay's down way too easily.

Canberra - Princess Diana. May be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.

Broncos - Madonna. Also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.

Cronulla - Jenna Jamison. Can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more.

Panthers - Krystal from Big Brother. Has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Cowboys - J-Lo. Quality all over, but especially good down back.

Newcastle - Kylie Minogue. Very decent despite not having much up front.

Titans - The Olsen Twins. Not ready to go yet but shaping quite well.

Manly - Rikki Lake. Everyone used to hate her but now she is met with little more than indiference.

[Kero]

The World divided

[Patto-]

don't mess with grandma

[Wink]

Work Pooguide

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING*

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY*

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE *

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK*

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH*

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME *

Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER*

A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) *

*A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS *

A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can lea st expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR*

Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH*

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

*ASTAIRE *

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

*WATERMELON*

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA OMELET*

A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

*UNCLE TED *

*A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

__________________

[Kero]

Audi A3 Turbo Accident....

Howfastmustyoubegoingtodo.zip

[Kero]

Beer.... Dunno if ya seen this one (Safe to open)

Beer.zip

[Kero]

Office Budget Cuts

[Kero]

Car adverts

[Kero]

All Safe After Collision At 16,000 Feet

This is nothing short of amazing... as everyone is safe after a glider collided with a business jet traveling at 16,000 feet over the Pine Nut Mountains of western Nevada Monday. Akihiro Hirao of Japan was flying his Schleicher ASH 27 glider over the mountains at about 3:10 pm just as a Hawker 800XP was starting its descent into the Carson City airport. The glider struck the jet's nose -- sending both aircraft briefly out of control.

As Hirao attempted to bail out of his stricken glider, which lost a wing in the collision -- the pilot of the NetJets Hawker was dealing with a

shattered instrument panel. Passengers onboard the charted jet from San Diego say she was able to stabilize the jet quickly, after banking sharply immediately after the impact and descending several thousand feet.

Local media reports state Hirao jumped from the glider, and parachuted into the mountains. He was found by Washoe Tribal Police at about 5:45 pm - two-and-a-half hours after the incident began -- walking near the mouth of Lone Pine Canyon. He has no apparent injuries but they will take him to get checked out," said Lyon County Sheriffs Department spokesman Lt. Jeff Page. "He hit a jet at 300 knots and had the presence of mind to bail out He is a very lucky man."

Meanwhile, onboard the Hawker the pilot set up for an emergency landing at Carson City. The pilot circled Washoe Lake several times in order to burn off fuel, and then executed what sounds like a flawless wheels-up landing at the airport. "I've had wheels-down landings that were a lot rougher," said Hawker passenger Steve DiZio. Pieces of the glider were found to be embedded in the Hawker's radome. The unidentified pilot of the charter aircraft suffered a cut between her lip and chin -- but no one else was injured in the ordeal.

[Kero]

Hearing Protection is a must

[Kero]

Ceiling mural in a smoking area

[R3sp3ct]

All Safe After Collision At 16,000 Feet

Dude is that for real? I dont want to sound stupid but that looks real?

[Patto-]

The Dangers of Thinking

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties every now and then - just social thinking.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her Mum's.

I began to think on the job.

I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I would return to the office dizzy and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with my Manager. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as University lecturers, and University lecturers don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the car park with the ABC on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster caught my eye, "Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a Recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Border Security: Australia's Front Line." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed .... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I made the final step, and joined the Liberal Party.

[JaiJai]

Ceiling mural in a smoking area

thats a classic!

[sh@un]

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

This was the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

[N1GTR]

lol

Idiots

[sh@un]

The Inventor

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.

"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor.

"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries!"