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Hey All,

I posted this up before but it got lost when the forums were restored from the backups.

This is my email sig that I've been working on for a couple of weeks.

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If the Tokyo Metropolitan Government ran Christmas...

Standing and singing "Jingle Bells" would be compulsory for everyone. Anyone objecting to singing "Jingle Bells" would have their salary cut, receive an official reprimand, and would not get any presents.

If Sony ran Christmas...

Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an address book, and would allow you to celebrate the season at a touch of a button, with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If K's Denki ran Christmas...

The staff would sell you ornaments for the tree, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If a Japanese construction company ran Christmas...

Several pristine wetlands would be destroyed, and a 12 storey grey tiled Christmas tree would be constructed at taxpayers expense. Overruns would mean that the total cost would be twice the original estimate, but construction would continue as the local politicians were all getting kickbacks. When construction was finally completed, local residents would be unable to use the tree due to an architectual oversight, which led to the tree being built up-side-down.

If a Japanese T-shirt manufacturer ran Christmas...

Everyone would be forced to wear 'festive' t-shirts bearing slogans such as:

* Let's Clitsmas.

* Enjoy Pooh Cake and Present

* Look What Santa Left in My Sock

* Ahhh!, Smell My Nuts Roasting On the Fire.

If Mitsubshi ran Christmas...

It would be O.K. Because sleighs don't have wheels, gearboxes, brakes or use flammable liquids.

If the Japanese music industry ran Christmas...

All Christmas carol would be performed by group of attractive 12 year old female elves. They would wear short skirts, big boots, perform perfectly syncronised dances in time with the music and be heavily promoted throughout Japan. One of their most popular songs would be named "(random kanji characters) Christmas (random kanji characters) blue eyes (random kanji characters)big sausage". They'd remain popular for about a week, until the next troups of dancing elves released their song.

If a Japanese bank ran Christmas...

Santa's grotto would have a 'queue ticket' dispenser mounted outside. Children would be required to take a ticket and wait until their number was called. Each time a child sat on Santas knee and told him what they want for Christmas, it would incur a charge of 110 yen (unless they visited him in the weekend, and it would be 210 yen). The grotto would not be open normal store hours, but would be shut when it was most convenient for the children wishing to visit him. When it shut, a roller door would automatically roll down, trapping children inside.

If NHK ran Christmas...

You would need to pay a "Christmas Fee" several times a year for the privilegde of celebrating Christmas. Christmas inspectors would be sent to your apartment to collect payment. When you tell them that you don't celebrate Christmas, they would demand to know what the decorated tree is in the corner of the room.

If the Right Wingers ran Christmas...

Red and White speaker trucks would roam around town blaring out old Christmas Carols at full volume. People who didn`t celebrate Christmas would be blamed for all of society's ills.

If the Pachinko industry ran Christmas...

Christmas trees would be lit with huge garish neon lights and the Christmas Angel on top of the tree would be replaced with a giant rotating searchlight.

People would give each other crates of ball bearings for Christmas. You would then need to redeem your ball bearings for a gift at a local store.

If my Japanese landlord ran Christmas...

I would need to pay six months Christmas tree tree deposit in advance, plus a pot deposit, plus a gratuity to him for allowing me to put up a Christmas tree. Being a fresh tree, it will invariably drop it's pine needles, and I would have to forefit the deposit due to `wear and tear` on the tree.

If the National Police Agency ran Christmas...

Santa's helpers would decide that an effective way of deciding whether a child had been good or bad, would be that all children with red hair must have been bad unless proved otherwise. They would then back up this argument with falsified statistics showing this alarming trend. Santa would then increase funding to the 'Good or Bad Department' to reward them for their stunning discovery.

If the Sapporo Police ran Christmas:

The elves would blow an entire years' toy construction budget on `entertainment`. The `entertainment` in question would usually consist of all expenses paid "no-pants shabu-shabu" parties for retiring elves in the red-light Snowskino entertainment district.

If Santa ever found out, the elves would be required to repay the money, but no one would ever be held accountable for a few hundred million toyless children that year.

If the Bosozoku ran Christmas...

There wouldn't be one Santa but 12, mob riding erratically through the sky.

Forget hay, moss and lichen, the Santa's would be forced to run the Reindeer on a diet of baked beans and curry (you work it out), and the gentle ringing of sleighbells would be replaced with a "Dukes of Hazard" horn set.

Each Santa would be instructed to violate as many air safety laws as possible, while at the same time buzzing passing 747's.

Children would wake up in the morning (if they'd ever slept through Santas's visit in the first place) to find soneone had pissed on the tree, left a 2x4 plank embedded in the side of the house, and signs that someone had been doing donuts on the roof while destroying the chimney.

If the Japanese cellphone industry ran Christmas...

Foreign christmas trees would not work in Japan. You would need to replace your foreign christmas tree with one that was designed for use ONLY in Japan.

BUT

Not only would it serve as decoration for your apartment, it would also be capable of cooking an entire 12 course Christmas dinner for 8, and doing the dishes afterwards.

IG

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If JR ran Christmas...

Your ornamental christmas tree lights would come on for a precisely a minute at 0428. 0519, 0642, 0812, 0916, 1031, 1111, 1210, 1325, 1410, 1556, 1617, 1704, 1836, 1910, 2034, 2145, 2243, 2318, 2356. When on, they would be accompanied by a cheaply synthesised version of Handel's Messiah.

However, they would stubbornly refuse to operate at all between midnight and four in the morning.

:-P

IG

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