Classic Jokes/funnies

[Cooper]

Those Chuck facts are awesome in pissing myself laughing

[Sambo33]

:lol:

this one is my favourite

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

[Tangles]

some Mr.T facts.......

23 - That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

When Mr. T has nightmares, people around him start dying for no reason.

Mr. T can count past infinity

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Mr.T does not grow a mohawk on purpose. It's actually just his hair trying to give you the finger.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T once pitied a fool so much that the fool melted into a puddle of shame. Mr. T then pitied the fool dry.

Edited November 18, 2005 by bwilkeson

[Sambo33]

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

:lol:

Edited November 18, 2005 by Sambo33

[Nightcrawler]

hahaha - Chuck Norris and Mr. T - 2 of the funniest characters ever born, and 2 of the funniest "FAQ"s ever written

[Tangles]

More Chuck Norris facts in the Wasteland section, some are Damned Funny!

[vange]

got this email today, hahaha its a classic...

BLOW "HOFF" VALVE

HAHA

Edited January 18, 2006 by vange

[REdgtst]

Aeroplane Blonde[n] One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

Anal Boot [n] An anal boot is when you take a jug of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

Angry Dragon [n] Immediately after you blow your load in a girl’s mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she’ll look like an angry dragon.

Armbreaker [n] A particularly energetic wank.

Arse Spider [n] Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.

Audition the Finger Puppets [v] A single-act, one-man show not suitable for children.

Aussie Kiss[n] Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

Australian Death Grip [n] The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

Autograph the Gusset [v] To allow the turtle’s head to sign the inside of your underpants.

Bacon Strips [n] External female genitalia.

Badly Packed Kebab [n] a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'

Beef Box [n] A container into which sausages are put.

Beef Curtain [n] The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon Sandwich).

Beer Coat[n] The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass [n] The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a Booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live,how you got there, and where you've come from (aka Beer Scooter).

Beer Goggles [n] Vision impairment caused by the excessive consumption of beer which deceives the wearer into thinking a chick is better looking than she really is. “You must be wearing beer goggles mate, she’s fugly!”

Beeriod [n] Weekly malady suffered by men after a night on the pop. Symptoms include headache, moodiness and a bloated stomach. "Leave me alone, woman, my beeriod started this morning."

Beer Monkey [n] A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits in your mouth.

Beer Mugger [n] The man you discover has hit you over the head and taken $50 out of your wallet the morning after you "nip out for a couple of pints".

Beer Scooter [n] the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it - ie. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

Benny Hill [n] Rhyming slang, female contraceptive. “Did ya use a dinger?” “Not a problem, she was on the Benny”.

Bilge Tanks [n] "Double gut“ effect caused by too tight a belt.

The Blind Dirt Snake [n] A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which migrates south every morning.

Blocking the Box [v] When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

BOBFOC[n] Acronym, Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bongo Mag [n] Rhythm literature, spangle book.

Breaking the Seal [v] Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Britney Spears [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'- eg. "Give us a couple of Britneys will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's [n] erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').

Budgie’s Tongue [n] Descriptive, the female erective bit!!

Bugner’s Eye [n] Flapless female genitalia, resembling Joe Bugner's closed-up eye in any fight he's ever had.

Bum Goblin [n] A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece!

Bum Gravy [n] This one speaks for itself! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

Bunny Boiler [n] an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction" - eg. "I don't like the look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".

Butterface [n] A woman with a great figure, but the face of a darts players' wife. From the phrase "A good body, but her face...".

BVH [n] Acronym, "Blue Veined Hooligan". A six-inch tall, one-eyed skinhead.

Change at Baker Street [v] During intercourse, to decide to play the b-side. From the only station on the London Underground where it is possible to change from the Pink Line (Hammersmith & City) to the Brown Line (Bakerloo).

Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilising the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye)

Chocolate Starfish [n] The arse. “I asked for a bit of Chocolate Starfish action but she said she didn’t take it up the Council.”

Cider Visor [n] Beer goggles for the younger drinker.

Clapping Fish [n] Female genitalia.

Cleveland Steamer [n] The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from tit f**king. (aka Hawaiian Muscle f**k, Pasadena Mudslide)

Cliterature [n] One handed reading material.

Clown’s Pie [n] A very, very wet fanny. "Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral, Her Majesty bade me descend to her ladygarden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown's pie".

(From "The memoirs of Queen Victoria's Ghyllie" by John Brown)

Cock Lodger [n] A bloke who lives in his bird's house without paying rent.

Cockoholic [n] One who is addicted to cockahol.

Cones are out [euph] ie. Only one lane in use. Ragweek.

Conkers Deep To be in a state of deep penetration.

Consolation Prize [n] When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

Cough Your Filthy Yoghurt [v] Romantic expression for ejaculation.

Council Gritter [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' - eg. "Does she take it up the council?".

Crunchie [n] A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.

Cum Dumpster [n] Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch [n] The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl’s throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favourite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

Dangermouse [n] A tampon.

DDF [n] Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"

Dirty Sanchez [n] While f**king a girl doggy style, insert a finger in her ass and get it all shitty. Then, reach around to her face and give her a shit moustache, a "shitstache" if you will.

Dirty Schultz [n] Same as Dirty Sanchez, except you give yourself the "shitstache".

Disco Fanny [n] The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers.

Ditch Pig [n] Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.

Dizzy Gillespie [v] A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's.

Docker’s Tea Break [n] Descriptive of something very long. "Oh, what a tiny little man", laughed Veruca Salt as she saw the Oompah Loompah. "He may be small", cautioned Mr. Wonka as he turned briskly on his heel, "but he'll have a cock as long as a docker's tea break."

(From 'Charlie and the chocolate sandwich', by Roald Dahl.)

Donald Trump [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate) - eg. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".

Donkey Punch [v] Whilst banging a girl doggy style and moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her arse, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female’s arse, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

Double Basing [v] To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different.

Drink-Link [n] a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze!

Drop Fudge [v] Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit!

Drown Some Kittens [v] To drown a litter of small stools.

Eating Sushi Off A Barber Shop Floor [v] Cunnilingus.

Fanny Wank [v] To use an ugly bird's fanny to save wear and tear on your hand.

Feeding the Chickens [v] The 5 fingered knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump.

Feeding the Pony [v] One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon.

Five Pinter [n] A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.

Fizzy Gravy [n] Rusty water, diarrhoea.

FLAME Acronym, Fanny Like A Mouse’s Ear.

Flaming Amazon [v] This one’s for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you’re screwing some chick, right when you’re about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flogging On[v] Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

The Flying Camel A personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.

Free the Tadpoles [v] To liberate the residents of one’s wank tanks.

f**kshitf**kshitsuckshit The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Fugly [adj] f**king Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"

Fumilingus [v, n] When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

Funbagtastic [adj] Exclamation, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.

Full English Breakfast [n] A very untidy vagina that is frankly too much to face first thing in the morning.

Furry Monkey [n] slang term for vagina.

Game of Smiles [n] This game involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blow jobs underneath the table. Anyone who smiles has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Going for a McShit[v] Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member (see Johnny-no-stars, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.

Going to the Bullpen [v] The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".

Granny's Oysters [n] Elderly female genitalia.

Greyhound [n] a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound (on a racetrack) is close to the hare (hair) - ie. "Blimey look at the greyhound on that bird!"

Hairy Scallops [n] Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.

Half Mongrel [n] a partial erection. When there is movement at the station.

Hand-To-Gland Combat [v]Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a Spam javelin.

Ick Dick [n] A common condition men experience after a long night of plowing some chick who has a nasty box - usually the town barfly. The undeniable stink and film on your johnson is called "Ick Dick".

Jackson Pollock(s) [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles) - eg. "He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Jizziotherapy [n] A three-minute one-handed massage that relieves stiffness for up to half an hour.

Johnny-no-stars [n] a young man of substandard intelligence, ie. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear which show their level of training.

Leave-in Conditioner [n] Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

son of rajab of the Pies [n] Salad dodger, barge arse.

Matching Drapes [n] Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair colour matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?"

Mexican Lipstick [n] Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out.

Millennium Domes[n] The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f**k-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath [n] A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!.

Mumblers [n] used when you spot an attractive girl in tight shorts or similar clothes - ie. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

Mumrar [v] The act of creeping up on your mother and shouting “Rar!”

Mystery Bus[n] The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi [n] The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NORWICH Acronym, Knickers Off Ready When I Come Home

One in the Departure Lounge To need to defecate immediately.

Opera House [n] A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.

Pat Cash [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).

Paying the Rent [n] A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

Pisshead’s Labourer [n] A barman.

Pencil Sharpener [n] A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.

Picasso Arse[n] A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Pie-Liner [n] A Femidom.

PIK [n] Acronym, Pig In Knickers.

POLO Acronym "Panties off, legs open!"

Pumpers Lump [n] The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.

Quim Chin, Muff Mouth [n] A bearded fellow.

Ragman’s Coat [n] untidy and very hairy vagina - eg. "Yeah, she looks quite fit but I bet she's got one like a Ragman’s Coat!"

Reading the Defence [n] The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defence" refers to making all of the proper" game time adjustments" as to not get caught cheating later on at some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defence.

Refusing to Bar Up [v] The unwritten rule, and mission, when a mate is drawn out of the crowd to receive a lap dance, to the joy of his mates. Despite all acts that are performed on him, it is considered taboo for the subject to Bar Up. N.B. Half Mongrels are allowed.

Release a Chocolate Hostage [v] To liberate Richard the Third, to defecate - eg. "I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

Ricockulous [adj] a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'. Good for when you want to add more emphasis.

Ripped out Fireplace [n] A much swept out skin chimney.

Rusty Trombone [n] The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.

Salad Dodger [n] an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

San Diego Surprise [n] The act of bringing a girl home and while f**king her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumoured to work about one third of the time.

Schindler’s List [sl] Rhyming slang for pissed; drunk. “Geez mate I was pretty Schindler’s on Saturday night”.

The Screwnicorn {v, n] When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

Skin Chimney [n] excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.

Slag Wellies [n] Knee-high boots.

Snatch Patch [n] A feminine hygiene product.

The Southern Trespass [n, v] The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rainstorm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

Spam Butterfly [n] A finger assisted close-up pink shot in a bongo mag.

Starfish Trooper [n] An Arsetronaut.

Stroke the Dog through the Letterbox [v] To slide your hand down the front of a lady's knickers.

Swamp Donkey [n] an unattractive woman - eg. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp donkeys sitting in the corner!"

Tart Fuel [n] similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopops regularly drank by young women.

The Teabagging [v] The all time classic manoeuvre of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase "Who's your daddy?" See also The Woody Woodpecker.

Tea Towel Holder [n] the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.

Texas Hot Plate [n] The "receiver" either gets under a glass table or holds a piece of glass over their head while the "giver" defecates from above onto the glass.

Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of f**king Fat Fanny's loose gash.

Times Square Shuttle [n] You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately f**k each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary/possible (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din).

Titanic [n] A Date who goes down first time out.

Tit Pants [n] A Bra.

Todger Dodger[n] A lesbian.

Tongue Punchbag [n] Small man in a boat: See Budgie's Tongue.

Tossing Salad [n] Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.

Tupperware Party [n] When three guys are triple-teaming a chick... one with his penis in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed airtight.

Twinkler [n, v] When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bunghole pucker up.

Two Bagger [n] Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off.

Up on Blocks - having a period (menstruating). ie Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage - eg. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

UTBNB Acronym, Up The Bum, No Babies!

Valsalva [n] The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward.

Wallace and Gromit [n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

Walnut Whip A minor operation that removes the cream but leaves the nuts intact.

Wet as an Otters Pocket Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.

Wigger [n] a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially applied to a white rapper, ie Vanilla Ice.

Winona Ryder[n]Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

Wizard’s Sleeve [n] a large (cavernous) vagina.

The Woody Woodpecker [v, n] When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead. A woman who performs rapid, hands-free horatio. From the movement of the bird's head as she hammers your trunk.

World of Leather (n) The parts of an aged lady. Granny's oysters.

Wyatt Earp [v, n] Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.

X-Piles [n] Unwanted visitors from Uranus

Yummy Mummy [n] 1. A middle-aged woman worthy of a good seeing-to, eg. Helen Mirren. 2. A young mother with a fantastic arse pushing a buggy.

The Zombie Mask [v, n] While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week’s worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

[vange]

hahah that took me an hr 2 read REDgtst lol very nice

[HR-32]

thats awesome Madaz!

its like ive learnt another language!

[boosted22]

couple of jokes and few funny pics for yas.

The Dam

>

> An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

> He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango

> and avocado trees.

> The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also

> had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it

> over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

> He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

> As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

> As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping

> in his dam.

> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

>

> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

>

> The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

> naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

>

> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

>

> Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[boosted22]

As I mature

I've learned that you cannot make

someone love you. All you can do is

stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years

to build up trust, and it only takes

suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by

on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better have a big willy

or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't

compare yourself to others - they are

more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting

long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible

for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of

how hot and steamy a relationship is at

first, the passion fades, and there had better

be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that the people you care most

about in life are taken from you too soon

and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to friends...trust me,

they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe

Something good will happen.

If not...tough shit.

[doommachine]

Alright, quick one.

Why doesn't smoky the bear have any kids?

Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

[vange]

lol see below....

[vange]

lol see below....

Edited January 23, 2006 by vange

[Tangles]

gave me a *little* laugh (I dont laugh much these days )

Subject: Dog & Cat diaries

DOG'S DIARY

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

12 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing with a ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Mum's home! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Dad's home! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite! <<...OLE_Obj...>>

CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, speaks with them regularly and has got to be an informant. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[Whiplash]

sorry to drag up an OLD thread but i got sent this today at work and thought it was clever

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section. I reckon this bloke

should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to

think of this!

Wanted:

A tall well built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?

Call me at.... 8374-5411 "