Funnys!

[race_snooze]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me overthose big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,

sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

[race_snooze]

double post

Edited November 15, 2005 by race_snooze

[race_snooze]

drive through, blue balls and bored trucker

Edited November 15, 2005 by race_snooze

[Frink]

there are 2 guys sitting next to each other on a 747...... the captain comes over the intercom and says to the passengers,

"attn passengers, we just lost one of our engines, due to a technical fault. however, there is no reason to be alarmed, the plane fly's just as good on 3 engines as it does on 4, we will just a little late landing...."

a couple of minutes later, the captain speaks over the PA system again,

"attn passengers, we just lost another engine, but there is no need to worry, the plane fly's just a good on 2 engines as it does on 3. we will be about 30 mins late to our destination...."

then 10 min later, the captain says again,

"attn passengers, we have just lost another engine. but dont not worry, the plane fly's just as good on 1 engine as it does on 2, we will just be about an hr late landing at our destination....."

then one of the passengers turns to the other and says,

"geez, if we loose another one, we'll be up here for hours!!!!"

[Frink]

my second joke...... this is really funny. but you must read ALL of it, from start to finish. or else the ending wont make any sense.......

there is this kid named Johnny. one day he is walking to school, when this middle aged man stops him in the street and says,

"hey buddy. when you get to school, ask your teacher what GREEN BANANA'S means....". little johnny was curious, so he said,

"why cant you just tell me?". the man replied,

"just ask your teacher, she'll know.....". then he walked away. so johnny continued walking to school. when he arrived in class, he asked his teacher,

"miss, what does GREEN BANANA'S mean?". his teacher said,

"EXCUSE ME?".

"what does GREEN BANANA'S mean?". his teacher was furious.

"GO TO THE PRICIPALS OFFICE, NOW!!!", she screamed. so johnny walked up to the principals office, and sat outside until he was called in.

"now johnny, your usually a good student, why did your teacher send you up here?", asked the principal. little johnny replied,

"i just asked my teacher what GREEN BANANA'S means?".

"WHAT!!! GET OUT, YOUR EXPELLED. NOW, GO HOME.....". little johnny was confused and upset. but he walked all the way home. he got home and his dad was there.

"your home early. why is that?", asked his father.

"they expelled me from school". replied johnny.

"why?!?! what for???" his father asked.

"i just asked my teacher what GREEN BANANA'S meant...". this made his father very angry.

"GET OUT! NEVER COME BACK....". poor little johnny. he was having a bad day. so he decided to leave and walk around for a little while.

while he was walking about, a police pulled over and the officer wound down the window asked little johnny,

"why aren't you in school, son?". little johnny replied,

"well, i was expelled from school and my father has just kicked me out of the house...".

"why, what did you do?", asked the police officer.

"i just asked my teacher what GREEN BANANA'S meant?". the officers looked at each other. then one of them got out of the car.

"i think you'd better come with us son.....". next thing you know, little johnny was standing in front of a judge, facing 20 years in jail.

"now, why are you here young man?", asked the judge.

"i dont know. all i did was ask my teacher what GREEN BANANA'S means...".

"YOU DID WHAT??? I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. I SENTENCE YOU TO 20 YEARS IN JAIL....", screamed the judge. so, poor johnny went off to prison. he still had no idea why.

20 years later, he was released. as he was walking home, he saw that man who told him to ask his teacher about GREEN BANANA'S. he stopped him and said,

"OI! i've just had the worst 20 years of my life, because you told me to ask my teacher about GREEN BANANA'S. now, tell what it means...".

"ok ok ok..... i cant tell you now, but come to my house at 2pm tomorrow, i'll tell you then.". johnny asked,

"where do you live?". the old man pointed to the house across the street.

"if the curtains are drawn, im home, so knock on the door 3 times at 2 sec intervals, and i'll answer the door.".

so johnny waited all day until 2pm tomorrow. he walked along the street until he came to the old mans house. he saw that the curtains were drawn, which meant that he was home. so johnny proceeded to cross the road, but as he did, he was hit a car, and was killed before the ambulance arrived.

whats the moral of this story? look before you cross the road......

HAHAHAHAHA!!! you all got sucked in!!! dont bother asking me for that 5 mins of your life back, cause i had to write the bloody thing!!!

Edited November 15, 2005 by Frink

[Terminal]

i don't get it, what does GREEN BANANAS mean? you didn't explain anything!!!!

[SkyGTRline]

That was the joke..

it doesnt mean anything..

somehow, i find that funny...

[race_snooze]

disappointing but funny, as i aslo wanted to know what green bannans was

[Scooby]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot

rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this....................

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Edited November 16, 2005 by Scooby

[Scooby]

A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How

dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your

children!

I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you

leave,at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will

hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless

that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she

was very thin, not well dressed ! and very dirty. She mentioned that she

had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn'teat

because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing,

practically

devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full

of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you

will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the

boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore

again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her

to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with

tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Edited November 16, 2005 by Scooby

[race_snooze]

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS REVISED

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is f**king nuts.

Edited November 16, 2005 by race_snooze

[race_snooze]

an old one

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

[Scooby]

A travelling salesman is driving home across the plains of Texas. He's been away for 5 days and along the way he picks up a bottle of wine to share with his wife when he returns home. Seeing an Indian hitchhiking, he stops to give him a ride. The Indian doesn't say much but eventually looks at the wine package and asks what it is. The salesman replies 'It has a bottle of wine in it, I got it for my wife'. The Indian looks straight ahead ahead and says "Hmmm, good trade'.

[MYSHY32]

You guys might have seen this one.

But thought it was ok <_<

[Scooby]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at

this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet

the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the indof the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those

unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad.

Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one

moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!

That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their

hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland- full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds

condoms;10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and

gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA ---- SIZE : MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie, Oy Oy Oy

[GM_GTR]

A husband, wife and a son walk into an icecream shop. The dad says he'll have a choclate, the wife says she'll have a vanilla. Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fathead?"

The shopkeeper asks, "Why do you hit him in the back of the head and call him fathead?" The husband takes a deep breath and replies, "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck - and you see that nice big ruck sitting there, that's my truck. The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house. And, let me tell you , the third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy - and I had that once, then fathead here came along."

:lol: :lol:

[djhatton]

ahahahaaa nice

[race_snooze]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving

together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his

apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet

cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly

medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the

top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,

especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to

him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off

and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying

there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[GTR32]

THAT I like...and I hope she was truly thankful for what she received.

Edited November 26, 2005 by GTR32

[GM_GTR]

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

:lol: