Funnys!

[LTSJayce]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. Two vultures board an aeroplane; each is carrying two dead Raccoons The

stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: You can't have your kayak

and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other

says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his

birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal "

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a

small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from

the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went

back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the

rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in

town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their

store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did

so, thereby proving that:

Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,

which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad

breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super

calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!

[LTSJayce]

How tough are Aussie men?

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South ifrica and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins..

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"

Hansie from South Ifrica who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"

Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis

[NathR32]

Whoa Jayce, nice collection of jokes there

[LTSJayce]

Thanks! I was bored...

[LTSJayce]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

He replies: "Good enough."

[leech_]

damn 1000 thats one dirty whore :lol:

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

He replies: "Good enough."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[race_snooze]

luv your work Jayce.

[GM_GTR]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

He replies: "Good enough."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

so thats what they mean when they say peckerhead..lol

[race_snooze]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them areDaddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden" she said.

[race_snooze]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[race_snooze]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in 20 cent pieces"

[leech_]

bahaha the last two there are gold that last one had a very good twist

[Gus-]

haha nice ones snooze

[Gus-]

why are all the the numbers scared of 7

because 7 8 9

[SKYLVIA]

...<_<

New Zealenders are like sperm...

athousand come over but only one works...

[SKYLVIA]

lol...

[leech_]

lol beau $5 says you wont walk around cronulla showing that picture to people

[SKYLVIA]

lol 5$ ill need more than that, how about life insurance?

[race_snooze]

how about reconstrucive surgey

[SKYLVIA]

that too