Funnys!

[race_snooze]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephants' foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day ...

One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. The elephant gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.

Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him... ................

>>

Probably not the same elephant then.

[leech_]

This was posted up on these forums in another part. I thought it was funny as

http://www.bitprophet.com/video/view.php?v...23258a86d97f49b

[LTSJayce]

Likewise:p**sed myself laughing! Good one,Snoozy!

[race_snooze]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while

they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed

there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and

pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good

news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you

were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so

sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?

[race_snooze]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."

[SKYLVIA]

lol

[leech_]

I thought this was sort of funny

http://www.carsales.com.au/pls/carsales/...rch_distance=25

also this was pretty cool

http://my.break.com/Content/ViewContentPub...eak.com%2f97627

[Terminal]

"Rubber tyres, you don't get this often" - stupidest comment ever

"It's so fast i even beat myself at the lights"

"this car WILL DO the qtr mile"

what a loser

[race_snooze]

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

"A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out

of life is four little animals".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be,

sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a

tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[LTSJayce]

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

"A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out

of life is four little animals".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be,

sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a

tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[race_snooze]

Subject: Old west phrases

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[GTR32GUS]

Big Willie and minichello going hard in London...great ambassadors for our country!!!

[race_snooze]

^^^^who

[race_snooze]

Life in a Mental Hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's

driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replies,"Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the

nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and

she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into

another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed

masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

[race_snooze]

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful

blond woman smiling and waving at him.

So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of

one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been

unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I

had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your

girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my butt?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."

[LTSJayce]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.

Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.

[race_snooze]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

>

> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

>

> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

>

> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

>

> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

>

> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

>

> "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

>

> Moral of this story...

> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

>

> If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

>

> I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!

>

> Notice the size of this print?

[LTSJayce]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."

[LTSJayce]

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'F*ck!', the dog ate him!"

[race_snooze]

Ferrari F1 Team Fired

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Gosnells and Armadale in WA.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Gosnells and Armadale area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the crew's first practice session, the Gosnells and Armadale pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of sp**d and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.