Funnys!

[tridentt150v]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a Sydney courtroom

> drama this week when he challenged a court ruling over who

> should have custody of him.

>

> The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and

> the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping

> with the child custody law and regulations requiring that

> family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

>

> The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt

> beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to

> live with her.

>

> When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents,

> the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering

> the remainder of the immediate family and learning that

> domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them,

> the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to

> propose who should have custody of him.

>

> After two recesses to check legal references and confer with

> child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody

> to the South Sydney Rabbitohs, whom the boy firmly believes are not

> capable of beating anyone

[race_snooze]

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with two broad minded persons and a Queer

[race_snooze]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum Cleaner?

The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[race_snooze]

>>A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk

>>around the

>>block?"

>>Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."

>>What does that mean?" asked the child.

>>Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

>>The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle

>>for

>>a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on

>>heat and

>>to come to you."

>>Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

>>He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's

>>backside

>>with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but

>>keep

>>Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

>>The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog

>>on the

>>leash.

>>Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

>>

>>YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

>>The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the

>>block,

>>so another dog is pushing her home."

[race_snooze]

for the girls

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[LTSJayce]

> >>>>> On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a

couple

> >>>>>of

> >>>>> days off

> >>>>> to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the

golden

> >>>>> sands when

> >>>>> there was an enormous commotion.

> >>>>>

> >>>>> They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene

the

> >>>>> Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a

NSW

> >>>>> jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws

of a

> >>>>>20

> >>>>> foot shark!

> >>>>>

> >>>>> At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing

> >>>>>Maroon

> >>>>> tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and

fired

> >>>>>a

> >>>>> harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other

two

> >>>>> reached out

> >>>>> and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs,

beat

> >>>>>the

> >>>>> shark to death.

> >>>>>

> >>>>> They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the

speedboat

> >>>>>along

> >>>>> with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when

they

> >>>>>heard

> >>>>> frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling

them

> >>>>> to the

> >>>>> beach.

> >>>>>

> >>>>> On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the

rescue

and

> >>>>>said,

> >>>>> "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard

that

> >>>>>the

> >>>>> people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now

> >>>>> I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal

harmony

> >>>>>which

> >>>>> could serve as a model for other nations."

> >>>>>

> >>>>> She knighted them and drove off.

> >>>>> As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was

that?!"

> >>>>>

> >>>>> "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the

Commonwealth

> >>>>>and

> >>>>> knows

> >>>>> everything about our country."

> >>>>>

> >>>>> "Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f*** all about

shark

> >>>>> fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get

another

> >>>>>one?"

> >>>>>

[LTSJayce]

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire

engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as

your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying

at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also

travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous

situation?

.

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Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

[leech_]

lol i like the last one jayce

[LTSJayce]

lol i like the last one jayce

[LTSJayce]

Rules To Consider

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

[SKYLVIA]

^^ haha awesome.

[race_snooze]

PURE GOLD !!!!!!

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible; I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's f**kin' perfect".

[race_snooze]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[race_snooze]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they went home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing " said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

[low200]

^^^BAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

winner!

[leech_]

nice shuano

[race_snooze]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

" ....... £ 124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed £ 124,237.64 POUNDS What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

http://www.break.com/index/cubicle_wars_2006.html

[DJ_On_Ice]

Oh that one is such an oldie but a goldie.

Given the recent trend of Chuck Norrie jokes! I thought I might pop on a few of my favourite ones (I know they are all very sad and lame):

1. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
   
2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
   
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
   
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
   
5. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
   
6. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
   
7. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
   
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
   
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
   
10. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
    
11. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
    
12. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
    
13. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
    

[LTSJayce]

Thought I would tell you a nice little story today. As many of you know we have a dog called Jessie .

Yesterday, I stopped at the local supermarket to purchase a large bag of Purina and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Silly question to ask someone like me. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time but that I'd lost 15 kilo’s before Iawakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, Since thefood is nutritionally complete it meets all daily needs so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked me if I'd almost died because I'd been poisoned. I toldher no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and was hit by a car.

[Sinista32]

Dont you hate that !

To follow up on that one....

Two guys are walking down the street sharing insights. The smarter of the two sees a dog lying down and licking his balls. The less intelligent of the two says to his friend, "Don't you wish you could do that?"

The second guy replies, "Don't you think he would bite me?"

Edited August 4, 2006 by Sinista32