Funnys!

[Terminal]

Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my

friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

daiquiri, a glass of wine at the weekend. You're even around in the

holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in

the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want

to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your

influence has led me to some unwise consequences:

Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I

question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends

when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the

day, let alone all hours of the night!

Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest I eat a

kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a hotdog with cheese, onion &

mustard (washed down with another drink & topped off with a Kit Kat

after a few sweet chilli & sour cream Red Rock chips)? I'm an eclectic

eater, but I think you went too far this time.

Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do

more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home

by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, & the black &

blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond

me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the

front door key into the lock.

Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT TO STOP. This is getting ridiculous.

I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in

order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My

entire day is shot! I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken

(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to

sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,

the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily

activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like

to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

stories, the provocation for much laughter, & the needed companion when

I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask you carefully review my

grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer

no later than Thursday 3p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions

& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

Specificity

British constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are down right impossible to say when drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have s e x.

Nope, no more beer for me thanks.

No hot dog for me thank you.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.

Oh, I couldn't, no-one wants to hear me sing.

[leech_]

Thats gold term... love it

[race_snooze]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles...

... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says....

"Blow Job Revenge"

[race_snooze]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:2029

>

>

>

> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

>

> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United Statescrops and livestock.

>

> Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

>

> Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

>

> Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syriaand Lebanon).

>

> Iranstill closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

>

> Francepleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

>

> Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

>

> George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

>

> Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

>

> 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

>

> Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

>

> Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter

> speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut

>

> Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

>

> Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

>

> Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

>

> New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

>

> Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

>

> IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

>

> Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

>

> Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile.

[race_snooze]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married ...

(Remember that the story is being told by a WOMAN)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the

hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3

a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such

a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with

him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I

got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo

clock." When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock

cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times,

cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, Cuckooed twice

more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[race_snooze]

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/garrett-T04e-double...1QQcmdZViewItem

read the first couple of lines .lol

[tridentt150v]

Do you think he should have written "this time"????

[race_snooze]

thats what it kind of sounds like, "this time guys its not stolen."

[SKYLVIA]

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck Knocking him to the floor.

The big,burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie Gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the Floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes Back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind Him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender,"When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#*kin' crowbar from Bunnings."

[tridentt150v]

Amanda Vanstone was being driven around the countryside in

> > her limo by her driver.

> >

> >

> >

> > Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in

> >

> > time, the limo hits the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver

> >

> > goes to see if the cow is alright.

> >

> >

> >

> > " Is it alright? " asks Amanda from the comfort of the back

> >

> > seat.The driver prodded the cow with his foot, and shook his

> >

> > head............"

> >

> >

> >

> > No ma'am, it's dead."

> >

> >

> >

> > " Well you were driving, not me, so you go and tell the

> >

> > farmer what happened! " So the driver goes off to the nearby

> >

> > farm.

> >

> >

> >

> > A couple of hours later the driver came back holding a

> >

> > bottle of Champagne, with his clothes scruffy and all messed

> >

> > up..........................

> >

> >

> >

> > " Oh my God, what happened to you ? " , Amanda exclaimed as

> >

> > she saw the driver.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Well ma'am, the farmer gave me this bottle of Champagne,

> >

> > the farmer's wife gave me a kiss, and their daughter had sex

> >

> > with me "

> >

> >

> >

> > " What the hell did you say ? "

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Well ma'am, I just said..........." I'm Amanda Vanstone's

> >

> > driver, and I just killed the cow."

[race_snooze]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his

apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he

sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his

Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the

hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in

gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for

the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they

finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several

minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn

pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and

placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate

relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the

kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

[race_snooze]

> ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and AFLstands for Australian

> Football League

>

>

> Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?

>

>

>

> This is good !!!!

>

> 36 - have been accused of spousal abuse

>

> 7 - have been arrested for fraud

>

> 19 - have been accused of writing bad checks

>

> 117 - have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

>

> 3 - have done time for assault

>

> 71, repeat 71 - cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

>

> 14 - have been arrested on drug-related charges

>

> 8 - have been arrested for shoplifting

>

> 21 - currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

>

> 84 - have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

>

>

>

> Can

> you guess which organization this is?

>

>

> Give

> up yet? . . . Scroll down,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Neither,

> it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

>

>

> The

> same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

>

> You gotta pass this one on!

[Terminal]

19 - have been accused of writing bad checks

Spelt: Cheques. we're not in America here. i'm concerned about the literacy of the children, think of the children!!

[tridentt150v]

Spelt: Cheques. we're not in America here. i'm concerned about the literacy of the children, think of the children!!

Too many ppl get arrested for thinking of the children these days!!!! Don't go there..........

[SKYLVIA]

Spelt: Cheques. we're not in America here. i'm concerned about the literacy of the children, think of the children!!

we have spelling exceptions for shaun,

EDIT: Speaking of which, im not really sure how its spelt? is it Sean? Shaun? Shawn? I always thought it was shaun...

Edited August 30, 2006 by SKYLVIA

[race_snooze]

Beau you are right for once, good stuff

[SKYLVIA]

:PBJ: :PBJ:

[race_snooze]

ITALIAN MOTHER

> > >>>>>>Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

> > >>>>>>Anthony lives

> > >>>>>>with a female roommate, Maria.

> > >>>>>>During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how

> > >>>>>>pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of

> > >>>>>>the relationship between the two, and this made her more

> > >>>>>>curious.

> > >>>>>>Over the course of the evening, while watching the two

> > >>>>>>interact, she started to wonder if there was more between

> > >>>>>>Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom's

> > >>>>>>thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be

> > >>>>>>thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just

> > >>>>>>roommates."

> > >>>>>>About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since

> > >>>>>>your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the

> > >>>>>>silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

> > >>>>>>Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he

> > >>>>>>sends his Mom an email:

> > >>>>>>Dearest Mama,

> > >>>>>>I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and

> > >>>>>>I'm not saying that you didn't take it, I'm just saying that

> > >>>>>>it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

> > >>>>>> Love,

> > >>>>>> Anthony

> > >>>>>> Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from

> > >>>>>> his

Mama:

> > >>>>>>Figlio mio,

> > >>>>>>I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not

> > >>>>>>saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains

> > >>>>>>that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found

> > >>>>>>the sugar bowl by now.

> > >>>>>>Love, Mama

> > >>>>>>MORAL: Never lie to your Mother

[race_snooze]

Cattle Dog

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

"Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

"Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

[race_snooze]

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......

And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther

away..........Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can

You see Melbourne...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it

died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She

Says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act

Together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then

Today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river ands shouts

back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said

that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee

and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere

she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question

was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear

it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two

new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde

responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like

That?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're

Watch dogs!"