Funnys!

[race_snooze]

> Where Do Redheads Come From?

>

> After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

>

> "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

>

> "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

>

> "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

>

> "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

>

> The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

>

> "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

[race_snooze]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife. You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[SKYLVIA]

motorcycle_walking_dog.wmv

well its not written, but still funny...

[LTSJayce]

Likewise:

[steves180]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its talons, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you.

[leech_]

haha steve nice

[steves180]

lol yeah that one is gold.

[steves180]

Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer

Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[R32_Matt]

f***en gold

[steves180]

Howard and the Queen

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen and said: "Ma'am, as I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that I should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."

Howard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied: "Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor.

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[SKYLVIA]

New Carlton Draught add

http://www.flashbeer.com.au/

[LTSJayce]

New Carlton Draught add

http://www.flashbeer.com.au/

Excellent! Even as you're about to download your playing speed,it's funny(hint-look at the bracketed advice...)

[race_snooze]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before

him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as

a

representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: If you can

catch me, you can have me. Without a second thought, he takes off after

her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing he finally catches her and has

his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost

10lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20

pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that

reads: If you catch me you can have me. Well, he's out the door after her

like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to

catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and

wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his

delight, on the

fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another

20lb. As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50

pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This

is our most rigorous program."

Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this

huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink

running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...

[SKYLVIA]

i wouldnt be telling this guy wishlists are for wankers...

[leech_]

it's not really a funny more of a wasteland but i couldnt find it so i can go in here

http://www.jalopnik.com/cars/clips/just-fo...ular-203320.php

[race_snooze]

A Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own *&^%^&* blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[R3sp3ct]

[leech_]

hahah nice

[race_snooze]

>TUMMY TROUBLE!!

> > >

> > >A LITTLE BOY WALKS INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM TO SEE HIS MUM ON TOP OF HIS

>DAD

> > >BOUNCING UP AND DOWN. THE PARENTS STOP AND HIS MUM QUICKLY DISMOUNTS,

> > >PULLING THE COVERS AROUND HER.

> > >

> > >"WHAT WERE YOU AND DADDY DOING?" THE BOY ASKED HIS MUM "WELL, YOUR

>DADDY

> > >HAS A BIG TUMMY AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GET ON TOP OF IT TO HELP

>FLATTEN

> > >IT" SHE EXPLAINS.

> > >

> > >"YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME" SAYS THE BOY. WHEN YOU GO SHOPPING THE LADY

>NEXT

> > >DOOR GETS ON HER KNEES AND BLOWS IT RIGHT BACK UP"

>

>

>--

>THANKS VERY MUCH

[race_snooze]

No more applications will be taken for the positions in GUAM so don't ask...

enjoy

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is

prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only

see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with

a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and

deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the

first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world

that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit

lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical

fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first

time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and

her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one

exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in

places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking

little bottles of?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)