Funnys!

[R3sp3ct]

oh man talk about bright up the day!!

[R3sp3ct]

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a

drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we

do is drink lager, whiskey, vodka, tequila, cider, Guinness, wine ...

you name it! We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're

dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no

biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,

Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever! If you go bankrupt...it doesn't

matter, you're dead anyhow.

Guy: Cool!

Satan: What about Drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big

bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You

can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough.......

[R3sp3ct]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa,

look at the size of that f *cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but

that's what this fish is called - it's a F *cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the

fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f *cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f *cker

and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother

superior.

"Could you cook this f *cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f *cker, " says the

bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "wonderful,

I'll cook that f *cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f *cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f *cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f *cker!" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on

his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, Pours

himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c *nts are alright."

[JaiJai]

hahahahha

that last one was gold, i forgot about this post-killer

[low200]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDENT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay

flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a

good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing

down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has

asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big

scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this

well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't

moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over

those big brute engines but I asked you to raise

your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on

the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,

I am called a Princess and I take orders from no

one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,

without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my

country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch."

[race_snooze]

> At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain

> letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.

> Simply send this e-mail to 9 of yourFriends

>

>

> INSTRUCTIONS.

> Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some

> ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of

> your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you

> will receive 823,542 women through the post.

> Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

> 0.5 Miss Worlds

> 2.5 Models

> 463 Wild nymphos

> 3,234 Good-looking nymphos

> 20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms

> 40,198 Bi-sexual women.

> In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,

> and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all,

> your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come

> back at you.

>

> DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.

> One bloke for example who sent a letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his

> friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he

> sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the

> accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the

> international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his

> old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had

> not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke

> that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is

> lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452

> more packages.

>

> YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to achieve

> a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy

> conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No

> obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like

> marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today

> to 9 of your best friends.

>

> P.S. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum

> cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

>

> P.P.S. - This chain letter can also be copied to women you know so

> that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure they may soon

> undertake.

>

[race_snooze]

Foreplay

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages!"

[leech_]

ohhhhhhhhhhhh wrong lol

[JaiJai]

ohhhhhhhhhhhh wrong lol

you said it.....funny though this is awsome love to shoot these in email version amoung friends

[R3sp3ct]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to

shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.....

[GTR32GUS]

pacman

[R3sp3ct]

Alot of you might have read this but if you haven't check it out.....Hilarious!!!

http://www.skylinesaustralia.com/forums/in...showtopic=33101

[race_snooze]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a

man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in

the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

And my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks .... But Chocolate SINGS!!!

[race_snooze]

Audio language warning.

[race_snooze]

Here's some facts - some useful, some not - that you might find interesting...

01) In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have the 'rule of thumb' .

02) Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden' ...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

03) The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

04) Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

05) Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

06) Coca-Cola was originally green.

07) It is impossible to lick your elbow.

08) The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61000

09) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

10) The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

11) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in History: Spades - King David / Hearts - Charlemagne / Clubs - Alexander The Great / Diamonds - Julius Caesar

12) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

13) If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

14) Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A' ? A. One thousand

15) Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

16) Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

17) In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'Goodnight, sleep tight.'

18) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

19) In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

20) Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

21) Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm . Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

So there you go, I bet you learnt something today.

BUT FINALLY...

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[race_snooze]

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop !

writing

out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior Citizen a

**** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's

important

at my age ..........

[race_snooze]

well it looks completely like I own this tread. lol

[Terminal]

"Knock knock"

"who's there?"

"interupting cow"

"interupting c..."

"MOOOOOOOOOO"

"....."

"Wow what a great audience"

[R3sp3ct]

well it looks completely like I own this tread. lol

Lol i reckon but keep 'em comin'

[race_snooze]

>> >A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some

>>rectum

>> > deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the

>>woman

>>they

>> > don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

>> >

>> > Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been

>>buying

>>the

>> > stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some

>>more.

>> >

>> > "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

>> >

>> > "But I always buy it here," says the blonde

>> >

>> > "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the

>>pharmacist.

>> >

>> > "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

>> >

>> > She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist

>>who

>>looks

>> > at

>> > it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm

>>deodorant"

>> >

>> > Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out

>>loud

>>from

>> > the

>> > container.........

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> > ............... (Wait for it).

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> > "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."