Funnys!

[race_snooze]

> A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One Wet

> and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she

> heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab

> your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't

> jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us

> in

> here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun,

> so

> the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of

> bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

>

> As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he

> had

> run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started

> running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his

> clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After

> a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with

> some curiosity, jogged closer.

>

> "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

>

> "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

>

> Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes

> with you under your arm?"

>

> Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed

> right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

>

> Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you

> always wear a condom when you run? "

>

> "Nope.........just when it's raining".

[race_snooze]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are

bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the

glorious

winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James

Elliot

did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel

and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting

machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his

insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of

its

men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a

finger.

The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car

during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a

woman

had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting

from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his

incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered

everyone

waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the

mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very

excitable

and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3

days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious

head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received

the

injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how

close

he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,

the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,

which

the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and

fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash

he

got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime

committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided

that

he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab

some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his

head

at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be

thief

on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was

made

of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the

woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in

the

car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the

car

and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,

officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and

demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't

open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered

onion

rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,

frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked

on

a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police

arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home

near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to

trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's

sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press

charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering humankind, please share these with your

friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals

by

chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be

glad

they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[race_snooze]

AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a The land of goat sphincter rings kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia .. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia .. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia .. do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australian ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and

cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia .. do we use answering machines to screen calls And then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia .. are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree While the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

...and finally,

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN SEND THIS ON!

[race_snooze]

FINALLY A MALE BLONDE JOKE -

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALLING, HIS 4-YEAR OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON. THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

[LTSJayce]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".

[leech_]

who said Vans can't be fast around a track

http://www.jalopnik.com/cars/custom-carsho...pe-2-219098.php

[race_snooze]

lol what a van, sounded good too

[race_snooze]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering

me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations...

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me

that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car........

[race_snooze]

I'm sure chili lovers will appreciate this one!

>

>

>Chilli Cook Off

>

>The Narrator said:

>If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no

>hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as

>relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

>

>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

>the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

>

>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this

>is.

>They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes

>around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San

>Antonio

>City Park.

>

>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was

>visiting from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: "Recently, I was

>honoured

>to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

>The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

>happened

>to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to

>the

>Coors Light Truck, when the call came in.

>I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the

>chili

>wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have

>free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

>

>Chili #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....

>Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild Judge #3

>(Frank)-Holy

>crap, what the hell is this stuff?

>You could remove dried paint from your

>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's

>the

>worst one. These Texans are crazy.

>

>Chili #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.....

>Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

>seriously.

>Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

>I'm

>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that

>wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more

>beer

>when they saw the look on my face.

>

>Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.....

>Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chili. Great kick.

>Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

>like

>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

>me

>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced

>from

>all the beer.

>

>Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....

>Judge #1 Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing Judge

>#2

>Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other

>mild

>foods, not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

>to

>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

>Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

>This

>300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear

>waste

>I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac????

>

>Chili #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....

>Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

>adding

>considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.

>Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

>I

>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me

>needed

>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

>chili had given me brain damage.

>Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it

>from

>the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

>It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop

>screaming. Screw them.

>

>Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....

>Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

>spices and peppers.

>Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!

>Superb

>Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous,

>sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted,and I'm worried it

>will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me

>except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my

>butt

>with a snow cone.

>

>Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.....

>Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

>worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he

>is

>cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

>sounds

>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,

>which

>slid unnoticed out of my mouth..

>My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the

>autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop

>breathing

>it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I

>need

>air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

>

>Chili #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.....

>Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.

>Not t bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

>Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili.

>Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

>Judge

>#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on

>top

>of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.

>Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili????/

>Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!

[race_snooze]

Repost I think but its gold either way

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the

course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks

if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her

$200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is

short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after

showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again

for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,

orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that

if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash

out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing.........."she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what

Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What

Number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........",

she screams, "but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you."

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN.

[race_snooze]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down here!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so." "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[leech_]

ewwwww gross

[LTSJayce]

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

[Terminal]

Oh jokes, i get jokes......

[race_snooze]

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

[race_snooze]

A Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said

"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[LTSJayce]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap

every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Astaroth]

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting

from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his

incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered

everyone

waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the

mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very

excitable

and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3

days.

That's gold!

Little Jane was at school when she gets her first period. The teacher doesn't want to get involved so she sends her home for her mother to deal with it.

Little Johnny's skipping school when he sees her walking home crying. He says 'Little Jane, why are you crying?' to which she responds, 'Because I'm bleeding little Johnny!' Little Johnny says 'Alright, give me a look.' Little Jane lifts up her skirt and shows little Johnny.

Little Johnny says 'Jesus christ, no wonder your bleeding! Your c0ck's been cut off!!'

[race_snooze]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as

he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my

bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm

St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have

so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to

send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We

can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but

knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent

back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around

pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this

strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled

over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first

day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside

like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster,

"don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies

Dave."Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops

out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and

his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the

first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was

overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best

thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh*t the bed!!

[tridentt150v]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential public issues, however I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work.

I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, due to my quick reflexes, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that!

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you.

Specially at Bunnings.