Funnys!

[low200]

^^ got that one in an email a few days back.

i pissed myself

[tridentt150v]

^^ got that one in an email a few days back.

i pissed myself

Same here!!

[Baconer]

haha, best joke ever snooze

[GTR32GUS]

Grant.mp3

if u don`t like the word F$&K don`t open

[SKYLVIA]

Women, KNOW YOUR LIMITS!

women.wmv

[tridentt150v]

Grant.mp3

if u don`t like the word F$&K don`t open

Loved it.............classic!!

[Jonneh Bravo]

>>> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices

>>> a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> 10 MILES

>>>

>>> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on

>>> without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which

>>> reads:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> 5 MILES

>>>

>>> Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and

>>> drives past a third sign saying:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> NEXT RIGHT

>>>

>>> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On

>>> the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small

>>> sign next to the door reading:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>>

>>> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a

>>> nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

>>> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested

>>> in possibly doing business...."

>>> "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding

>>> passages and is soon quite disoriented.

>>> The nun stops in front of a closed door and tells the man, "Please

>>> knock on this door."

>>>

>>> He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup

>>> answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

>>> cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the

>>> hallway."

>>>

>>> He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips

>>> through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he

>>> finds himself back in the parking lot facing another

>>> sign:

>>>

>>> GO IN PEACE.

>>> YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.

>>> FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[low200]

Sky and Gus, i have not laughed so hard possibly ever

[race_snooze]

Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[low200]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has

hit Lebanon.

Two million Lebanese have died and over a million are injured. The

country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to

start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock........

United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million

replacement Lebanese.

God bless our Aussie generosity.

[LTSJayce]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential public issues, however I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work.

I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, due to my quick reflexes, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that!

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you.

Specially at Bunnings.

Excellent!

[R33_ACT]

Making De Love

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my

girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she

floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished

making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and

zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12

inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick

on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the bloody roof.

Edited February 2, 2007 by zooee

[race_snooze]

While walking through the Boulder , Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Un derstandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[race_snooze]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS.

This one is for everyone who...

a) had kids

b) has kids

c) is going to have kids

d) knows a kid

e) was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers", pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[race_snooze]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children

what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,

fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, plumber etc, but Billy was being

uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

Billy answered. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes

off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is

really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let

them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little

Billy aside to ask him if what he said was really true.

"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for England but I was just too

embarrassed to say."

[GTR32GUS]

http://www.atomware.com.au/evo/downloads/PoliceComplaint.pdf

[low200]

^^^oldy but a goldie.

[race_snooze]

> Subject: Woman and a Frog

>

>

> A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

> The frog

>

> said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three

>

> wishes."

>

>

>

> The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

> to

>

> mention that there was a condition to the wishes. Whatever you wish

> for, your husband will get times ten!"

>

>

>

> The woman said, "That's okay."

>

>

>

> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the

>

> world.

>

> The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make

> your

>

> husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

>

> flock to".

>

>

>

> The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

>

> woman in the world and he will have eyes only for me."

>

> So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

>

>

>

> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

>

> The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the

> world.

>

> And he will be ten times richer than you."

>

> The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's

> his is

>

> mine."

>

> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

>

>

>

>

>

> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd

> like a mild heart attack."

>

>

>

>

>

> Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

>

>

>

>

>

> Attention female readers:

>

> This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling

> good.

>

>

>

>

>

> Male readers: Please scroll down.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

>

>

>

> Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

> smart.

>

>

>

> Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

>

>

>

>

>

> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; Women never listen,

> do

>

> they?

[race_snooze]

Differences in child discipline 1960 vs. 2006

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

******************************************************

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money because Jeffrey has a disability.

******************************************************

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

******************************************************

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1960 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her Grade 12 year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - School Counsellor calls Planned Parenthood. Mary is driven to the next province and gets an abortion without her parents' consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

******************************************************

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Halloween, puts them in a bottle, blows up a red ant hill.

1960- Ants die.

2006 - Fire Department and RCMP called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Provincial Government investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list.

******************************************************

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him

1960 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.

[leech_]

lol snooze i like it... so true although i reckon you could almost compare alot of them to even the 1980's/early 90's