Funnys!

[race_snooze]

lol yep pity we cant go back there

[race_snooze]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards

and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they

might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let

their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell happened to your clothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up

in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you

are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are

laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can

sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall

asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,

we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of

mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine

invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends

over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a

can!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can

logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well ya see, Nam, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This

natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general

speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular

killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain

can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake

of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks

the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular

consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain

a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter

after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering when you are not

[race_snooze]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

[datto260Z]

If Nismo is Nissan Motorsports, then what would that make Honda Motorsports?

[R32_Matt]

HOMO

[Baconer]

haha... i thought it was Hismo before you posted...

I get jokes

[MIVEC]

haha... i thought it was Hismo before you posted...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

You're a funny man! ^_^

[R3sp3ct]

[SL33KY]

Hey guys, check your 'line manuals for this one! the first time I saw it I was ROFLMAO, at least I can understand their pictures without having to learn Japanese!

[low200]

i love how the japs have funny cartoons explaining stuff. On my HD clutch box it had a clutch disc running away from greasy hands and crying. i LOLd.

[race_snooze]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

>>1) This is a picture of an octopus.

>>It has eight testicles.

(Kelly age 6)

>>2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

>>(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an

>>Island. If you don't have sea all round

>>you, you are incontinent.

( Wayne age 7)

>>4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big

>>teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's

>>not my friend no more.

(Kylie age 6)

>>5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on

>>the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

>>6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots,

>>and comes back with crabs.

(Millie age 6)

>>7) When ships had sails, they used to use the

>>trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes,

>>when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would

>>whistle to make the wind come. My brother

>>said they would have been better off eating

>>beans.

(William age 7)

>>8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I

>>like their shiny tails. And how on earth do

>>mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?

(Helen age 6)

>>9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby

>>brother is always screaming and being sick,

>>my Dad keeps shouting at my Mo m, and my big

>>sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think

>>what to write.

(Amy age 6)

>>10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.

>>Electric eels can give you a shock. They have

>>to live in caves under the sea where I think

>>they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

>>11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very

>>cold, and it makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

>>

>>12) Divers have to be safe when they go under

>>the water. Two divers can't go down alone,

>>so they have to go down on each other.

>>(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She

>>fell off when she was going very fast. She

>>says she won't do it again because water

>>fired right up her fat ass.

(Jule age 7)

[LTSJayce]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a

favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it

through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have

anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your

waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[LTSJayce]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand,

I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[LTSJayce]

Barry Dawson - Code name the cougar.

When Barry Dawson goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Barry Dawsoned.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.

Barry Dawson invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Barry Dawson does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Barry Dawson hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.

Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson can speak Braille.

Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.

Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out

of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Barry Dawson sleeps with a night light. Not because Barry Dawson is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Barry Dawson divides by zero.

Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never f***s up.

When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Barry Dawson sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Barry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.

Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Barry Dawson once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "*****ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of

speech.

The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

[Baconer]

Hey guys, check your 'line manuals for this one! the first time I saw it I was ROFLMAO, at least I can understand their pictures without having to learn Japanese!

haha in the same fashion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFVoLz88hiU

those crazy Japanese, though i did learn some new things from watching it

[Terminal]

Barry Dawson - Code name the cougar.

When Barry Dawson goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Barry Dawsoned.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.

Barry Dawson invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Barry Dawson does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Barry Dawson hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.

Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson can speak Braille.

Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.

Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out

of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Barry Dawson sleeps with a night light. Not because Barry Dawson is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Barry Dawson divides by zero.

Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never f***s up.

When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Barry Dawson sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Barry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.

Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Barry Dawson once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "*****ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of

speech.

The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Sounds awfully familiar to one Chuck Norris to me....

[SupaFly Skyline]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The

Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The

Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The

Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last

one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[LTSJayce]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the

river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied,”Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."

[race_snooze]

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN' T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE the sphincter of the universe FOR DINNER AND HE

WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP

AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK,. SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF the sphincter of the universe GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

[race_snooze]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed

an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had

spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, purple, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the

old

man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically

asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your

life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had

Sex with a peacock...just wondering if you were my

son."